Year: 199X
Run Time: 9 minutes
Production Company: Re Productions
Director: Labia Grenada
Starring: Zorro, Robot Zorro, King Arthur, and James Earl Jones as the voice of the Magic Taco
T & A: Mr.
Tell Us What To Do :Fuck You

"Sudden Infant Death!"

"Baby Ate A Whore" is not a movie: but it should be. Here's why.

The idea of babies eating whores is an ancient one, dating back to 15th century France. Even back then, that shit was scary, yo. In olden days, many a whore would stand cowering in the darkness, awaiting the dawn that would deliver them from the horror of hungry baby attacks. It was bedlam then, and it would be the same way today: if only BABY ATE A WHORE would be made.

Think about it. A baby. Looks normal enough... but at night it goes a creepin. It's in hunt of skanky whore meat: something most American males can sympathize with. The whores of Planet Earth are terrified by the vicious baby attacks. They will try to deduce a formula or theorem or something in their whore-labs... but they just wind up rubbing petroleum jelly all over each other and have a big orgy instead. MEANWHILE... baby will eat many whores. Then a virus will be uploaded into the alien mothership and shit will explode. The end.

Or is it? We could have a sequel. We'd call it BABY ATE A WHORE 2: BABY GOT BACK. The tagline would be: "I Want My Babyback Babyback Babyback Babyback". It would star that kid from THE SIXTH SENSE as "BABY", and Calista Flockheart as "ATE A WHORE". Alanis Morrisette could play God in it if she wanted to. In the sequel... we could have Jar Jar Binks get eaten. Technically, he's a space whore (I saw him tear up some ewok butt pussy on Endor)... and if we kill him on screen we'll make $200 million dollars off that alone. Then we'll all come over to my house and smoke endo while I kick your ass in Marvel vs. Capcom.

Of course, soundtracks are very important. That's why this movie would have music.

Think about it. B.A.A.W. would have it all: a perfect blend of herbs 'n' spices, naked whores, cannibal babies getting they snack on, and a secret birthday wish. It would be a lot like THE SANTA CLAUSE, just with more tits, guns, and fucking.... and less Santa Claus.

In conclusion, BABY ATE A WHORE gets a perfect score in my book. TEN SKULLS OUT OF FIVE!


Our Rating System

Pimpanzee: "Having trouble getting your fuck on? Then dial 1-800-U-PO-PIMP. My fine ho's be a dime a minute. Silly rabbit, at that rock-bottom price: tricks are for kids! "