Bordello of Blood
Year: 1996
Rated: R
Run Time: 90 minutes
Production Company: Universal
Director: Gilbert Sandler
Starring: Dennis Miller, Angie Everheart, Erika Eleniak, Corey Feldman, Chris Sarandon
T & A: Constant
Kill 'em: All

"Don't Eat Your Heart Out, That's My Job"

Now, i know this movie totally eats shit but the frequent tit shots and rapid use of the word "fuck" make it almost watchable.....almost. I mean, it sounds good on paper: Dennis Miller tracks down vampire bitches who take refuge in a whorehouse masquerading as a funeral parlor. What's more is its got everybody's favorite teenage wasteland, Corey Feldman, in the role of a vampire badass. Let the review commence....

So, Corey has a family dispute with his Baywatch-prize-piece-of-ass sister and leaves the fort to get pissed drunk. Not a bad idea considering he's in a Tales from the Crypt movie. While in the bar, he's told by a bug eyed biker with parkinsons (not unlike Z-Man) that he can at least get some sweet tail in the process. When he gets to the mausoleum/bordello, he hops into a casket and let the fuck fest begin! I know he's Corey Feldman and all but, if some creepy old man told you to climb into a casket for some ass, would you do it?.......ok, bad example.

After a few days, his sister hires private dancer Dennis Miller to find the missing Corey. Dennis Miller can't act worth a shit, so he just plays his sarcastic, usual asshole self in this one. Soon, Dennis prys a little too much in the hemoglobin hungry hooker business and beings to piss off the Grand-woo-haa of vampire whores, Lillith, and eventually and predicably comes down to the final show-down.

This movie is just a fucking kick in the jingle bells. It looks good up front but, you know what they say, they fuck you at the drive-thru.

-The 150 Pound Sucka Mutha: YES!!! COREY FELDMAN LIVES ON!!!

Our Rating System

CTA: "I'm just a Dennis Miller fan, so it wasn't too painful to watch. They just took this whole thing too nonchalantly like, "ok, lets get the vampires now." Also, there was a lot of bullshit with this TV Evanglist, so fuck it, go rent Demon Night."