Cemetary Man
Year: 1995
Rated: R (glorious R)
Run Time: 100 minutes
Production Company: Audifilm-urania Films
Director: Michele Soavi (The Church)
Starring: Rupert Everett, Anna Falchi, Fat Retarded Dwarf
T & A: Two Large Shakers
Feed My Face: Fist My Butt

"Remember: It's Not Rape If It's DEAD"

Ever notice that it's harder and harder to find fun these days? Since they closed down the Sex Cauldron and little Joey's accident caused the pool to be drained, you find yourself sitting around and staring at that New Kids poster all day. You got no food or beer, and all your money's been spent on medication for those scabies you got from Mary Jane Rottencrotch. Another wasted day for a wasted fuck. But not today. Instead of the latest issue of "Popular Sodomite" (recommended by Bob Hope, no less), you've got the classic horror wonder known as "Cemetery Man" in your fat sausage fingers. So make like a tree and go fuck yourself with a squirrel, but before you do so, enjoy the film.

The movie begins in a lame-looking graveyard, similar to the one in "Beetlejuice." But before you wonder if this film's as cheap as your mother around Christmas, you're treated to a zombie having their head blasted with a bullet. That's right, bitch. Within minutes of the beginning credits a zombie gets whacked. And this isn't one of those lame ass off screen killings, either. Just like granny's underwear, you see it all.

From there, you find out what's happening. At this particular cemetery, there's a little problem. It seems whenever someone is buried there, they come back a week later, hungry for human flesh. So what's stopping these legions of undead from eating everyone? The gay guy from "My Best Friend's Wedding." You heard me. Rupert Everett puts down his tights and Hugh Grant doll and becomes zombie slayer and cemetery caretaker extraordinaire Francesco Dellamorte. He simply waits around for the dead to return, then pops a cap in their head, killing them again. Helping him with possibly the coolest job in the world (next to hot oil boy at Penthouse Incorporated) is Gnaghi, a fat mute dwarf. Like there's any other worth a shit.

But soon in the film (in between the time you got popcorn and cleaned the cat shit off your Excalibur dildo), you find that things are about to change. One day, Francesco is digging a grave when he sees this hot chick (check shorts for response) all dressed in black leaving flowers on a grave. After a few failed pick-ups, Pimp Daddy Dellamorte gets in her pants. And like the aforemented zombie shooting scene, this one bowls you over also. The next thing you know, they're fucking on top of the girl's husband's grave! You don't get any real warning. BOO! THEY'RE FUCKING! If only daytime television was like that.

But while you stare in awe at her tits a shakin', you realize the grave isn't silent. It seems hubby had total rights to that hot sweet tang, and he's not happy with what's going on. So he bursts out of the grave and bites her. Francesco ices the dead fucker with a shovel to the head, but it seems it's too late for Jiggles. So she's brought to the basement and put on a slab, so seven days later she can get the old pork stick once more.

Sound entertaining? You bet it is. As the movie goes on, you're treated to boy scout shootings, nun bashings, killing rampages, headless lovers and a storyline that keeps on getting stranger and stranger. In between the bloody explosions of flesh, you notice some really bizarre things happening with Francesco. It seems that the Angel of Death himself isn't too happy with the zombies, or "his dead" being killed. So he tells the brave little caretaker to "just shoot the living in the head, that way they don't come back." And you know what? He does. Little Rupert Everett drives his shitbox of a car around town, shooting at everyone who made fun of him. I nearly cried with joy.

In the end, I can say I really enjoyed this one. While it did lessen up on the gore near the end, I still felt validated afterwards, like when I wipe twice at Chucky Cheeses. You just don't see gore like this these days, and usually Hollywood fucks it up. But this one delivers it, and delivers it often. Quick, prompt and to the face, just the way your sister likes it.


Our Rating System

RANKY THE DWARF: "I gotta hand it to this director. To see a nun get shot in the face, a dwarf kiss a severed head and a set of tits shaking all in one movie is truly a great thing. This one had it all. I salute you, half-inflated demon lord!"

DIRTY SANCHEZ: "If jizz was gold I would be a millionaire after seeing "Cemetery Man" The last scene alone made me shoot a Superman style shotgun load straight through Inflatable Ingrid's back. This shit's pure gold. If you like violence against nuns and head-splitting shovel action your brain will pop like the boil I lanced off your mom's ass last night."