Year: 1997
Rated: R
Run Time: 101 minutes
Production Company: Vestron
Director: Jill Gillespie
Starring: Jennifer Love-Hewitt, Aphrodite A, Aphrodite B, Sarah Michelle Geller, Iron Buddha Fist
Sam Is Gay : Eat A Dick, Splice!

"If you're going to bury the truth, make sure it stays buried."

You know, a long time ago I was assigned to do an elementary school project on New Brunswick through pictures. So, I designed a doodle character named Terry Tourist and had him being killed and dismembered through various locales throughout New Brunswick. In some scenes he would be carrying his head around, still talking. In others he had tubes stuck to his arms, sucking out his blood and bones while he stood in front of some laughing Maritimes fisher men. Why I am I telling you all of this?

Because it would be cool if Hollywood would turn out movies like that instead of this shit.

I failed the project because my teacher was an uncreative bitch, but I'm sure in Hollywood that film would make a million dollars. Instead, they took the money that could have been put to better use doing cool stuff like that and put it towards a stinking pile of eagle feces known as I Know What You Did Last Summer.

I Know What You Did Last Summer, or POOP as it will further be called in this review because I don't feel like writing that over and over again, was based on a stupid kids book by some dumb kids writer from a long time ago. The 70s, if I remember correctly. I read it long ago, probably shortly after chronicling the adventures of Terry Tourist. I could compare it to the kind of drivel published by folks like Christopher Pike and R.L. Stine. Relatively short, uninvolving books that can scare special education students. The equivalent of a slasher movie in a book, but minus the gore. Dang.

The basic plot of POOP involves Jennifer Love Hewitt. Lousy singer, lousy actress. Goes out with Carson Daly of MTV's TRL, obviously a former Special Ed student herself. Jennifer, along with Sarah Michelle Gellar, who plays TV's Buffy The Vampire Slayer, and Freddie Prinze Junior, a dumbass who is known by the world because of his father who as on Chico and The Man and his blandly good looks. Also along for the ride is some no-name guy. These cool teens are our heroes, thrust into an adventure beyond their control.

Commiting a double felony by 1. Driving Drunk and 2. Listening to The Offspring, these nimrods hit some guy and throw his ass off the road, where they think he's dead. They dispose of the body and go on their seperate ways.

A year later, some guy with a hook and a fisherman's uniform starts killing these cool dudes along with their friends and family (according to their MCI calling plan) in some cases. They set off on a fact finding mission to discover what's going on, stop the killer, and unclog their pores with Neutrogena lotion. What happens next?

Well, they all die except Jennifer Love Hewitt (DUH) and Freddie Dumbass Junior. They resume a relationship that went on hiatus after they thought they killed that guy and Jenny goes to college. At the end of the movie is a blatant and ridiculous setup for the sequel, I Still Know This Shit Sucks, Any Summer.

So, what's wrong with this film? Dorky, weak characters, poor acting performances, and with one exception dumb, quick kills. The exception is a nimrod who gets a hook slammed straight into his chin and gets dragged around. Me like. That's why this got two stars from me. Sam, my cat, didn't like it, he kept telling me we should have rented H.P Lovecraft's Necronomicon. Well, the next day we did rent it, AND IT SUCKED!!! What the hell was that, an octopus? BWAH! As bad as this is, that was way worse. Dumb cat. Oh well.

Hey this is Sam. Yo, let me set you all straight. This sucks like a Hoover vacuum cleaner, or to make a metaphor closer to home, it sucks like your mom. All the chicken and tuna in the world can't make this any better. After this movie was over I smacked Splice seven times for making me sit through this, don't make the same mistake. Now if you'll excuse me, I got some Black Flag guitar tabs to transcribe. Get me outta this chair.

Well, there you have it. This sucks.


Our Rating System

Splice: "I feel like a sucker with a lump [or is that a cock?] in my throat."

Sam the Cat: "Everybody Pringles, yeah, Show Me The Pringles, once you pop the fun don't stop, oh yeah. "