Jason Goes To Hell
Year: 1996
Rated: R/NR/PBR
Run Time: 91 minutes
Production Company: Turner Home Entertainment
Director: Alan Marcus
Starring: John D. Lemay, Kari Keegan, Steven Williams, and Kane Hodder as "Jason"
T & A: i muchas tetas!
Mr. Dream: 007 373 5963

"He'll See You In Hell!"

Jason "The Body" Voorhees, returns in his 9th (7th if you wanna get technical, dicklips) shit-kicking tour de . Howdy, Cow-pokers, CTA here reviewing the Turner Classic Movie, "Jason Goes To Hell." A lot of fans are up in arms about this flick, but CTA hear ya. And CTA don't care. "Final" Friday is an awesome gorefest that thrust Jason's bloody machete into the gizzard of the 1990's. And now, the plot....

We begin with a busty brunette taking a ride to Crystal Lake looking for a peaceful, quiet weekend getaway surrounded by nature. Now, I know what you're saying, "But CTA, doesn't she know that dying at Crystal Lake is like trying to score with my sister? Its far too easy and always bloody." Well, evidently so, Jizzpie, because she leads Jason into a field where A FUCKING SWAT TEAMS BLOWS HIS SHIZNIT THE FUCK UP! They gather Jay-bird's burning accessories and take them to a lab where Niggerace proceeds to eat his big, black heart............i don't know either.

Jason's (school) spirit takes the coroner's body as a host and sets out to find his remaining blood-relatives, once again proving that the surly hellpimp is indeed a Michael Myers knockoff. Jason goes around giving people the French kiss of death, as his "Hellbaby" enters the body of another, keeping our heroes on their toes. Jay-Jay spends the movie chasing his niece, her estranged boyfriend, and their baby getting radically f–ked on his sojourn (the diner scene is legendary).

Eventually, as always, it all comes to a good head as the boyfriend, Steve, and The Hippie Ripper have a one-on-one showdown where Jason is sent to The Hell of Acid Spitting Aborted Fetuses (the Chinese have many hells). And of course a surprise ending nobody, and CTA means nobody, will ever forget.


Our Rating System

CTA: "I never could understand why people hated this movie, Jason looks better than he ever has, the effects were incredible, and the sweet-teet was plentiful. There's a scene where a form of Jason squeezes a girl's head like a pimple until the top of her head exploded like Pete's dick!"

The 150 Pound Mexican Whooping Llama: "I'm not quite sure where the 'Hellbaby' idea came from or where its going but I didn't let that ruin the movie. This shit was gory as hell and the tent scene made my dick go from zero to 80 in six seconds."