Night Beast
Year: 1983
Rated: R
Run Time: 90 minutes
Production Company: Cinema Enterprises
Director: Donald M. Dohler
Starring: Greg Dohler, Dick Dyszel, Anne Frith, Tom Girffith
T & A: No thank you, mam
You Want It: All Night Long

"Nothing Can Save You Now"

Man oh man, I couldn't have come up with a better tagline for this ball of earwax than the one above. That's right, nothing can save you now. You've gone and put your fate on a thin line. You're the one who fucked up your life and now you've got to suffer for your actions. You just couldn't resist the temptation to insert NIGHT BEAST into your VCR and now nothing can prevent your brain from metamorphosing into a bubbling pool of pus.

This has got to be one of the biggest pieces of raw sewage in the entire horror genre. It closely resembles low budget roadkill, infested with bad actors instead of maggots. With the money they had, the makers of this cheese had the choice of either making a horror/sci-fi blockbuster or getting a burger and fries. They opted to make NIGHT BEAST. They should have gone to Burger King.

And what about this horrid "night beast"? Well, to put it quite bluntly the savage alien creature looks like a cross between something out of Buck Rogers and The Muppet Show. Add on Beverly Hillbillies facial features as the night beast also appears to have overlapping teeth which are of different lengths. All of that plus a Michael Jackson style silver space suit and an obviously rubber head, and you've got a monster about as menacing as a Q-tip.

Fans of toilet scum horror may recognize director Don Dohler as the genius behind other sour milk favorites such as THE ALIEN FACTOR (1978), FIEND (1983), and DEADLY NEIGHBOR (1991). Dohler must think all of his friends are great performers since he has most of the cast members from NIGHT BEAST starring in all of his other movies as well. Not only that but he gets the most out of them, having them double as associate producers, costume designers, and production assistants too! Obviously today's directors didn't learn from Don's money saving techniques.

Right from the opening credits you can sense that we're in for a bumpy ride when a shot of outer space has stars that look suspiciously like Christmas tree ornaments hanging from the ceiling of a dark room. An unknown spacecraft is hurdling uncontrollably towards the earth and crashes in the small town of Perry Hill in a blaze of cheap fireworks. From the hunk of scrap metal emerges an underpaid piece of monkey crap in a sorry excuse for an alien costume. Almost immediately the local idiots flock to the crash site and the fun begins as the night beast unleashes his bloody reign of terror. Brandishing a laser gun it begins zapping local hunters left and right with special effects that would compare to some of the best Atari video games out there. Soon the local sheriff, Jack Cinder, evacuates the town realizing that they're up against something that could wipe out all of Perry Hill (mind you a light windstorm could probably wipe out Perry Hill).

A chosen few remain in the town to wage war with the crappy looking reptile-like abomination. The unlucky morons include Sheriff Jack Cinder and his fellow officer (and sex toy) Lisa, Jack's good buddy and wanna-be cop Jamie Lambert, medical examiners Steven Price and Ruth Sherman, drunken mayor Burt Wicker and his slut Mary Jane, and scumbag rebel Drago. Will these unbelievably terrible actors survive the blood lust of the viscious beast? Will you survive if you watch this unknown litter box trash flick? Can your brain survive the ineptness of it all?

Not everything is negative about NIGHT BEAST. In fact the highlight of this movie is the graphically nauseating gore effects. In the eyes of GORELORD any cheap movie can be redeemed by good old fashioned gore and this one delivers in the extreme. Intestines are ripped out, faces are torn off, arms are severed, bodies are mutilated, and heads are twisted off all throughout the entire running time.

Don't get me wrong. I hope you didn't think I was bashing this movie because I wasn't, I absolutely loved it. As a matter of fact, fans of bad horror should take this review as a recommendation. And for those of you who don't take this as a recommendation and think this movie sounds like shit, I suggest you get some therapy. Mainstream crap has obviously poisoned your minds.


Our Rating System

GORELORD: "Expect to see previews for Night Beast 2 on television very soon. I'm almost sure of it."