Year: 1989
Rated: R
Run Time: 103 smurfy minutes
Production Company: Paramount Pictures
Director: Mary Lambert and Raiden
Starring: Dale Midqueef, Denise (Bill) Crosby, Fred Gwynne, Miko Hughes (Wes Craven's New Nightmare), Brad Greenquist, Eric Bischoff as "The Guy who's cool," That annoying little tramp who plays Ellie as "Ellie"
T & A: Verified by the Motion Picture Association of America, Canada, Mexico and other neighboring countries as "No"
River: Phoenix

"Sometimes Dead Is Better"

True, I reviewed this on another site. True, that site sucks. True, Christine Clarke is a whore. So if you're wondering why I re-reviewed this gem, it's not because I'm an egomaniacal son of a bitch who wants more recognition. No, it's because I'm an egomaniacal son of a bitch that wants more recognition and I also want to spread the word on PET SEMATARY.

You have a boner, dont you.

Pet Sematary doesnt contain nudity (shit, after you see the females in this movie, you'll be happy), however it does show a shot down the shirt of a girl with spinal menejitus. Pet Sematary doesnt involve any teens going around fucking in the middle of the woods and then getting their general private regions slashed off. Pet Sematary doesnt involve Linnea Quigley. It doesnt even show Donald Pleasance. Not ONCE.

So, why the perfect rating? Hmmm....

Because Pet Sematary is THE scariest movie. It doesnt rely on nudity, or horny teenagers, or masked men. PET SEMATARY came into the horror film elementry playground and stuck a scalpel in the ass of the stereotypes. I suppose I should give you the plot.

The Creeds just moved into a quiet little (fucking) place pretty much away from the big city. There is Louis (Elvis Presley), the father/doctor; Rachel(Ugly Woman), the wife; Ellie (future whore), the...charming...little daughter; and of course, the loveable little Gage (The Pampers Kid), da son. The Creeds live in a nice big house. The only neighbor is Judd Crandle (Herman Munster). What else could you want out of life? How about a derranged little path that leads to a place where a bunch of stinky old animals lie dead, and another place beyond the first place, which we horror fans have come to know collectively as "the second place", where the dead dont stay dead. And another addition, there happens to be a road pretty much damned by Jesus and certified as pro-Satanic Revolution dedicated to the murder of children, which we horror fans have come to know as "the really bad road." What's so bad about it? How about the fact that I once saw Ricky Martin and Fred Durst getting it on right in the middle of that evil road while jamming to tunes of N'Sync. And oh yeah, trucks hiss by every 5 minutes.

So anyways, all is pretty much normal until the family cat, Winston Churchill, gets ran over in that really bad road. Not wanting to break his daughter's heart, Louis and Judd take the kitty to the....yep, you guessed it, PET SEMATARY!!! Actually, you guessed wrong, because they take it to the local Ancient Mic Mac Indian Buriel Ground next to Walmart. And, the kitty cat comes back to life, except the little feline isnt quite the same as it was before it was hit by an Orinco. No, this is one evil, porn loving, cherry busting, cigar smoking cat. And you best back the fuck off before it gives you a stone cold stunner.

But for the Creeds, things get much worse. The little Gage homie runs into the road one day and gets SMASHED by one of those trucks from hell. Not wanting to lose his son and thinking of the buriel ground which brought back to life his cat, Louis thinks he can bring Gage back, too, and maybe, just maybe...get home in time for "Full House."

Yeah, I know you faggots with low attention spans are like, "Where's the gore? Where's the titty?" Like I said, Junior, there IS no titty.

But gore, that's another thing. A nice and handsome young man named Victor Pascow, the only ZomBiE who has posed nude for Playgirl, walks around the entire film with his smile in tact, his charm in view, and his brain hanging out the side of his head. His lines are absolutely histarical, and he's a very cheerful zombie. In fact, he's even available for children's birthday parties. Children of the CORN, that is.

You want shock? Well that value is up, I tell ya, because if the pampers kid walking around spouting obsceneties and slashing his family up with a scalpel isnt "shocking enough for you," then maybe the pampers kid eating out Hermna Munster's Adam's Apple and swallowing it will do. If THAT isnt shocking enough for you, then you need to get your ass back in your cell, Mr. Manson. If you ever wondered what a real movie with the idea of "Baby Ate a Whore" ("reviewed" in the slave pit by a truly disturbed young man named Pimpanzee) would be like, your best bet is PET SEMATARY.

All jokes aside, the final 20 minutes of this film will literally pull out your testicles, juggle them, and bounce them out of place. Oh yeah, it will shock you, too. I for one had to change diapers after this movie, and it wasnt just because I forgot to tinkle before we went on the big trip. I dont care how many fucking horror movies you have seen, NOTHING can prepare you for the horror you will go through in the climax of this film. Guys, watch this with your girlfriends (like you have one), because by the end they'll be passed out for a good 6 hours due to shock, and then you know what you can do with them...take advantage of them by drawing smiley faces all over their foreheads. HAHAHAHAHAHA...bitch.

Folks, you have homicidal two year olds, old people spouting out mystical one liners, a dude who picks at his own exposed brain, a naked girl who has spinal menejitus, a lady hanging herself, and even STEPHEN KING drops by for some fun. What more could you ask for? Titty? Shut up, who asked you. (Note: if you are Cameron Diaz, I'm sorry. It was inconsiderate of me to express myself in such an incriminating and absurdly hostile manner. Now suck it.)

Well, rapping up this mega-tron full length shitty excuse for a review, PET SEMATARY is the scariest movie I have ever seen. You really can't go wrong with this film. If you can watch this whole film in the dark on a stormy light, ALONE, I'd probably say you were kinda brave if I knew about it. This movie rocks, even without the benefit of nudity, and it just goes to prove that old saying, "I'd like to see you in black, because it would make me feel like your husband's dead."


Our Rating System

CORNDWELLER: "Bitch, this movie rocks about as much as The Doors playing at the Hollywood Bowl. Okay, so not that much, but hell, I gave it 5 stars, what more do you want? Okay, it rocks as much as Blue Oyster Cult playing 'Veteran of Psychic Wars' among lasers and zombies. This flick is scary, shocking, demented, and has Stephen King in it. It's pretty damn perfect. And if it was a girl, I'm sure Z-MAN would fuck it. Then again, if it was a guy, you would slurp on it's warm load. Right after it fucked you in the dick hole with a red hot safety pin."