Year: 1989?
Run Time: 90 glorious minutes
Production Company: Golden Harvest
Director: Lam Nan Kai
Starring: Bin Shimada, Yukari Oshima, a whole bunch of people that get their asses stomped
T & A: Just one creepy, soggy ass
The Only Good "G" : Is an ORGY

"I have hit you in your death spot.. soon you will die"

Our tale begins ten million years ago, in the world primeval. The sky rained fire, the oceans were full of big-titted mermaids, weird shit ran around naked and hungry, and Mae Young and the Fabulous Moolah danced without their pants. But then one miraculous day, the blackened skies opened up, and Pandar the Goat God descended from the heavens. He parted the seas, converted the heathens, delivered the first ever smackdown and gave it to your ancestors raw and savage. He also bestowed upon our pimple-covered asses the testicular glory that is 'The Story of Ricky."

Flash forward to today, and we find playing "Magic the Gathering" and beating off to the Backstreet Boys. You sad, sad fuck. Good thing Pandar can't see you, or he would smack you so hard the Pope would shit nachos. However, I can see you, and daaammmnn, dogg, you lame. Your girlfriend would say the same, but she's busy gobbling cock for money. And hey, I just happen to have some change.

So let's have some "you" time. You want to stop being picked on? You're sick of getting towel-whipped in the locker room? You want to get rid of those festering boils on your scrotum? Then sit your ass down, and watch what Pandar was wrought on our soggy asses. Behold, rancid cock roadies of the Monsters of Rock, the glory of "The Story of Ricky." Now watch it, before your Furby accuses you of shitting in the urinals again.

(INFORMATION: Most of you bitches out there will say that "The Story of Ricky" is not a horror movie, but a Kung-Fu movie. But most of you bitches would also say that seal clubbing is a terrible act. I would have to disagree with you on both cases, and then I'd smack your bitch up and take your clitberry pop-tarts.)

Our tale begins in the near future, where prisons are corporation owned. Inmates, aside from the daily anal blasting and corn nog meals (now a staple food in little Cambodia), also get to build cheap shit for the Man. Led by a corrupt Warden and his retarded son, this place sucks more ass then backstage at the Village People. So enter our hero: Ricky. He's a bad fucker, let me tell you. Skilled in the deadly art of Whoopass and possessing more strength than a gorilla hopped up on smack, Ricky kicks ass all throughout the prison. He's strong, he's fast. He even has a handful of once-fired bullets lodged in his chest, that he keeps there as "souvenirs." He's so dreamy.

Since the entire movie is pretty much people getting torn apart, I'll speak of the highlights. Ricky punches right through some fat guy's stomach, causing his guts to pour out like a goddamn waterfall. When fighting some guy named Taizan, Ricky punches the guy's flying fist and splatters it! Ricky also hits some guy so hard his eye pops out, only to have some crows eat it. He even throws the one-eyed, hook handed fatass of an Assistant Warden down a flight of stairs. He's faster than bullets, stronger than fuck and totally in-your-face.

This movie is definitely kick-ass, but there is one scene that stands out. Like when the alien busts out of that guy's chest or Paul Reuben busted into your sister's ass, this is something you need a good, clear mental picture of. The scene I'm speaking of is the legendary X-Ray Punch. Already noted in detail elsewhere on this site, this is regarding a scene where Ricky fights some guy in the courtyard. Somehow the guy winds up upside down in midair, and Ricky delivers this punch of legend. As his iron punch hits the guy's meat helmet, the screen flashes to an x-ray, where we see the guy's skull get crushed. I had no idea that was coming, so I launched beer out of my nose and pissed myself when I saw it. It's over so quickly, but the memory still lasts a lifetime.

In the end, you realize that you've just witnessed one of the greatest things ever to come out of the Movie Industry. You'll never watch another Kung-Fu movie the same way, or even watch TV the same way. So beat up the retard down the block, take his milk money, and go out and buy this damn movie. Nobody wants your excuses, your lies or your fucking venereal diseases. Now go watch this piece of history, before I send a pack of Gypsies to your house to take your pants.

-Ranky the Dwarf

Our Rating System

RANKY THE DWARF: "Except for the lack of naked chicks, this movie has everything you need. Lots of blood, flying body parts and a glass eye full of mints. Now represent, motherfucker!"

Crith Fong: "More fun than tea-bagging the homeless on Thanksgiving!!!"

Dirty Sanchez: "When I saw the electric monkey monkey death fist to the skull, I left Rank master Flash's mom as cream filled as a twinky. The only problem is the complete lack of titty. So just keep a few ho's around to keep you busy during the slow parts. But don't worry, you'll need to replace the rewind button before this shit storm is over."

Ode to a shotgun shit:
You mom gave me head,
your anus is (black and) blue,
if you watch the story of Riki
you'll drop an elephant sized shit, too.