Year: 1987
Rated: PG-13
Run Time: 97 minutes
Production Company: Concorde Films
Director: Bert Dragin
Starring: Charles Stratton, Harold Pruet, Adam Carl, Stuart Rogers, Mr. Rogers' black child slave, Chuck Connors (Yup, he's dead)
T & A: Hell fucking no
Pass: The Virgin

"Howdy Doody. No Titty, No Booty."

Look at the title of this movie. SUMMER CAMP NIGHTMARE. You see a video like this at the store and automatically, visions of busting huge titties, sweet curved asses, bloody axes and Bob Sagget dance in your heads. Woe...wait, if at any time you ever see a vision of Bob Sagget dancing in your head, you are one fucked up little Mexican.

Well, as I was saying, you see nudity and gore when thinking of Summer Camp Nightmare. And that, bitch, is the viewer's first mistake. We want to see titty. Instead, we get to see a 12 year old little fucking dork in tight red, riding shorts. Fucking YAY! We want to see a bitch's ass. Instead, we get to see some low hung 18 year old jock in tight, fucking SEE THROUGH blue jeans. We want to see Rosie O'Donnel using that one cellulite machine on her ass, and instead...wait, uhh, scratch that.

So you wanna know the plot?

A group of teens (guys and gals) go to a camp for the Summer. They intend to have some good fun making smores, staying up late and having sex with the various horses roaming about the land. Only, their head counselor is a dickhead. He makes them go to bed early, he takes the marshmallows and he locks the horses in the barn. So what do these rebellious little bastards do? Take that son of a bitch and lock him in the barn! Then they run wild all over camp grounds. Eventually, people are killed, raped, beaten and made fun of by Tim Whitehead.

Sounds good, right? Yes. In writing it does. But really, people, it sucks cock. I know, how could the producers screw up an unbeatable plot like that? *Sigh* I guess the producer was a mongloid who was fed Quaker Oatmeal in his anus as a child. It was as if a big cock walked up to this film and the movie gladly sucked it dry. What's wrong with this film?

For one thing, the guys and the girls sleep at different camps. They think people of the other sex have cooties. So, that pretty much annihilates any chance of titty/ass.

The kids are all fucking lame ass homosexual dicksucking cock-feeders. The kids go to camp and sing about staying up late and playing mean jokes on the girls. Now, normally, this would seem cool, but the jokes they have in store for those beautiful blooming babes have nothing to do with taking their panties or lifting their shirts from behind. No, the jokes are along the lines of stealing their hair ribbons or hiding their shoes behind the couch.

ONE FUCKING PERSON DIES, and it's not even that brutal. 'Nuff said.

A little kid gets molested by a fat old man. Offended at all? What's that, you have a boner? SICK MAN!

During the rape scene, not only is there no nudity, but the guy fucks her for about 2 seconds and pulls out, looking all tired. What in the SHIT?

The main bad guy doesn't die, but he goes to jail. GAY.

Okay, well, dicks, if those aren't reasons enough to hate this homosexually charged boner, how about the FACT that the main counselor, played by Chuck Connors, is without a DOUBT the UGLIEST MOTHERFUCKING PERSON TO EVER, EVER, EVER LIVE. And I don't want to hear any shit about that time when you were little and you walked in on your Stepdad and Mom having anal sex on top of your X-MEN inflatable chair. This guy is ten times uglier than that. His jaw looks like a TABLE. Not only that, his face is as intense as it would be if he excreted someone else's shit, or was forced to lick the inside of Roseanne's asshole right after she finished spraying out a week's worth of cranberry juice mixed with cold chicken.

Now that you have more reasons to hate this movie than your lame ass can count, why don't you go out and rent it like I know your fellatio giving self will do. Just don't say I didn't warn you. If you try to say that I didn't warn you, I swear to fucking GOD...I'll complain.


Our Rating System

CORNDWELLER: "Well, if you're reading this, you likely skipped the above review for a short little summary of my opinions. Since you're a lazy bastard, I'll say this...SUMMER CAMP NIGHTMARE is definately a nice ride...if you are attracted to people of the same gender. Other than that, this movie is almost as gay as that new cum gloss for your lips brought to you by Clairol. This movie is lame and has ugly people in it. In other words, skip it."