Within The Rock
Year: 1996
Rated: R
Run Time: 90 minutes
Production Company: A-PIX ENTERTAINMENT
Director: Gary J. Tunnicliffe
Starring: Brian Krause, Xander Berkeley, Dale Dyer, Barbara Cold Cock
T & A: Tits Unknown
Pubic: Enemy



"Rock Around The Cock!"






A-Pix films. When they're not releasing stupid crap with hologram covers (Uncle Sam, Jack Frost) or stupid movies about dorky people peole going crazy (Ice Cream Man, Killer Nerd) or coming out with just plain old shit (Jack-O, Hollywood's New Blood) they're coming out with pathetic rip off films like Within The Rock. It's an alien rip off. Now, let me give you some background information.

I was sick. My best friend's mom worked at a video store, so he decided to bring me over something to watch in between throwing up and sneezing buckets of snot. Instead of getting me something quality, like, say, Ernest Eats Some Sauerkraut, he brought me the direct to video crap that is Within The Rock. It turns out he wasn't really my friend. I was shocked at a couple of things about this shit fest. The first being absolute surprise at the fact there's still a market for Alien rip offs after all these years. The second being the total stupidity of the plot. The third being the queer, one dimensional characters. Where to begin?

I remember back in the 80s when everything was ripping off that goddamn line "In Space, No One Can Hear You Scream" and rewriting it to say things like "400 miles under the ocean, no one can hear you scream" or "When there's ten pounds of shit in your mouth, no one can hear you scream". However, I thought all that crap ended about the time Leviathan was released. Oh, I was wrong. DEAD WRONG.

The plot, or lack thereof, is that a team of nimrod scientist astronaut soldiers (an odd crossbreed) lands on a comet heading for the earth, in order to lay DY-NO-MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITE on it in order to blow it up. While mining around they find a fossilized monster from another world. For some reason just opening the comet-cave the thing was in wakes it up. While everyone says, "Wow neat, new life forms. Yawn, I'm tired, bedtime!" and goes to sleep, the monster, who we'll call Jerry (although the movie does not), emits many weird noises and then awakes from it's sleep.

Jerry is very ugly. He's also very tough, and very hungry. Now, they say in the movie that Jerry eats carrion, but that's odd because he actually kills his victims himself. Someone should inform A-Pix that the creature isn't eating carrion unless it killed it himself. Jerry's just a hungry bastard, plain and simple. So he sets about killing the bad people who awoke him. He does this by slapping the shit out of them and biting. Either that or the people are so stupid they do it themselves.

A single cool scene involves a butch girl attempting to kill Jerry with a drill gun thing. Jerry knocks her hand, sending the drill through her own helmet and head. Ha ha, stupid.

The characters in this are stupid. Nerdy guy, hero guy, greedy guy, nice girl, butch girl, generics. A couple of them die nice deaths. A couple survive, and we're angry. They all suck. Where's Bruce Campbell when you need him? Bruce would make mincemeat out of Jerry before you can say "Come Get Some!"

But alas, I digress.

In the end poor Jerry gets all blown up, some of the stupid one dimensional characters make it home, and you wonder why you have no friends. In the middle you see a single halfway decent kills, a bunch of crappy ones, a bunch of lousy one liners, and further evidence A-Pix is run by Satan with a board of directors including Beelzebub, Lucifer, and Kathy Lee Gifford. Shudder.

Renting this is definetly a bad idea. Even if a friend rents this for you and brings it over, he's just trying to kill you to get your GI Joe Action Floating Hovercraft. You can't blame him for that. If I were a real member of NOTC I'd condemn this to the Shit List but I'm not, I'm just a lowly slave. AND IT'S TIME TO GET BACK TO WORK!

-SPLICE

Our Rating System


SPLICE: "You can find it in your direct-to-video section, next to Femalien 2: The Search For Kara. If that fails, you can find it in your garbage can, next to some banana peels and a dead Ghoulie."


SAM THE CAT: "Speaking of Ghoulies, why couldn't your gay ass friend bring over Ghoulies 3? I hear they're at University in that one. COOL!"






BACK TO WORK, SLAVE