"Too Many Puppies"



Got Some News, Rumors, Or Scoops For Doctor Octagon?


A ton of news bombarded our heathen asses here at NOTC during the month of April, particularly about the upcoming FREDDY VS. JASON project. Lots of spoilers... many of them disappointing... surfaced in the cosmic punchbowl about this (and other) long awaited sequels. So read 'em and weep- bitch.






3 Times The Scream, 1/3 The Titty

April 29th, 1999


Seeing as how your fat ass never gets outside to exercise, it's probably a safe bet that you were inside watching ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT the other day when NEVE CAMPBELL descended from her pretentious anal throne and granted the polyeurothane super sluts behind the desk an interview. Well, as fate would have it- the subject of SCREAM 3 (and her involvement) came up. Well, check out what the hotch had to say... and I (mis)quote:

"Yes there is going to be a SCR3AM, but I will probably only do about 3 weeks for it. We're not real sure were else the character can go, I mean she has been through so much already."

Oooooh damn! So what does this mean for the loyal slaves of the thrill kill cult? Well, for one- Neve's character will have a very limited on screen presence. Perhaps if we're lucky, she'll fucking die. Or maybe (just maybe) she'll get naked, do a Sexual Tae Bo workout, and THEN get killed. Of course, we all know better than that. The nootch will remain fully clothed... and probably not even get the fucking axe that her character has been begging for since the mid 90s. Oh well, at least the film is on schedule to crop up in theaters by Christmastime.... so we won't have to wait very long until this latest (and quite possibly last) installment of the SCREAM franchise arrives.

For more juicy-goosey atom bomb skank pussy news on the highly secretive SCREAM 3 project... check out some of our other SCR3AM related stories from earlier this month: DOCTOR'S ORDERS.




RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD 4?

April 22nd, 1999


Well, Brian Yuzna sure seems to be a busy bee motherfucker these days. In our last installment... we revealed that OOKLA THE MOK was not your baby's daddy, and that the secret treasure map was hidden in the kinkajou's ass. But if you read between the lines- you would have noticed that psychophonic jizzmonster 2.0 Brian Yuzna has signed a lucrative deal with Julio Fernandez's Iberian Hit Squad FILMAX to make a shit load of horror flicks. In addition to BEYOND RE-ANIMATOR, and a possible DAGON project.... Yuzna has agreed to work on a giant spider assault movie (ARACHNID) and.... yes, yet another sequel to RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD. This actually seems to be a fairly reputable rumor- seeing as how it lept from the twisted aluminum anus of DARK SIDE magazine. Of course, there's no word on the production tables just yet.... so don't get your panties in a wadula. Just keep this slippery shit in mind the next time you beat off on your beanbag.


BEYOND RE-ANIMATOR!!!

April 20th, 1999


Those of you who don't view Stuart Gordon's splatterfest RE-ANIMATOR as one of the true classics of the modern horror era deserve to have your skulls crushed in a hydraulic press and your nuts bitten off by puff adders. It's a true gem as far as we're concerned.... and when we heard that director STUART GORDON (Re-Animator, From Beyond, Castle Freak) will be teaming up with director Brian Yuzna (The Dentist, Return of the Living Dead 3, Bride of Re-Animator) to make a third installment of the Re-Animator series- all of us here at NOTC practically bust a nut. It seems that these two titans of modern scuz horror have signed a contract with the Spanish Film company FILMAX (run by Julio Fernandez) to do a series of horror films. BEYOND RE-ANIMATOR happens to be one of them. Another collaborative effort may very well be another Lovecraftian flick: this time based on the short story DAGON (a cult of killer fish men who interbreed with human women- YUH!!!). Production of these films is still in the distant future... but perhaps we'll be rewarded with a release sometime next year of BEYOND RE-ANIMATOR! Be sure to check back with NOTC for further developments!


SCREAM 3 DIGS

April 20th, 1999


For those of you pud-pulling mutants out there who just can't wait to see SCREAM 3 this winter (and be disappointed by a complete lack of titty con carne for a third and final time), you might be interested in the following tidbit of info. Then again, you might be more interested to know that Rice-A-Roni is the San Fransisco Treat. But anyways, according to the Webmistress at THE SITE OF SCREAM: the third installment of the SCREAM series will be both a "sequel" and a "prequel" of sorts. Much like the stylings of something like THE GODFATHER II, the film will deal with Sidney Prescott being tormented in the present day by an unknown killer while flashbacks periodically take us back to the time exactly one year before the incidents in the first SCREAM occured (the last days before Sidney's mother was murdered). So what does this tell us? Besides the fact that Neve Campbell's titties have nipples the size of hubcaps? Well, according to Webmistress Megan:

"This tells me that the prequel aspect will be used to tie into the current killer. I believe that there are events and details not yet revealed to us, which will then explain who and why the killer is in the last installment, thereby wrapping up the entire story."

Kung-Fu Genius? Or simply a puff of smoke up the ass? Who's to tell? The SCREAM series has been notorious for spawning all kinds of misinformation on purpose, and then leaking it to the public so nobody knows what the hell to expect on opening night. This might just be the latest battle in the war to make all of us here at NOTC look like a bunch of fucking morons (MISSION SUCCESSFUL: GOT AMMUNITION & JEEPS), so be careful...


Elm Street Boxed Set

April 20th, 1999


OOKLA DE LA MOK, our special booty bass operative in Kosovo, broadcast the following news report to all NATO forces in the region right before calling in an air strike against a drunken refugee in a monster truck. Read it and weep:

New Line is planning to release a DVD boxed set of all seven of the Nightmare on Elm Street films in early September, which is when the ultimate psycho killer grudge match flick, Freddy vs. Jason, is expected to hit theaters (damn, and here I am still waiting for an Alien vs. Predator...). Only the original Nightmare will be available on DVD separately (apart from the boxed set) until next year, when they're all expected to be released.

With that said, I'm sure Jason's people (who meet with my people all the time) are gonna get off their ass and start churning out the rest of the Friday's. I've never partaken in the Nightmare series but New Line makes the best DVD's by far so these should rock.


FREDDY VS. JASON SPOILERS!!!

April 17th, 1999


Yes, HARRY KNOWLES is fat as fuck. Yes, his left breast is bigger than you are. And yes, his daily caloric intake is only slightly lower than that of the Pittsburg Steelers. But we've got to hand it to Harry and his entire wack bunch at AINT-IT-COOL-NEWS: every now and then they come up with some pretty cool shit. The following "alternate opinion" on the FREDDY VS. JASON script is chock full of some really prime information on the flick... and yes, contains some pretty heavy spoilers. There seems like there's some decidedly kick ass material to be found in FREDDY VS. JASON... as well as a few things that might piss off some hardcore fans (like JASON actually speaking?!?!?!?!). So if you want to be surprised when you squeeze your fat ass into those plush theater seats: turn back now. But for those of you godless heathens out there who want to piss on your own parades, go right ahead. It might help to rememberthat the following opinion is from some anonymous assbat, and not from one of your friendly neighborhood NOTC Meat Drones. Just don't say we didn't warn you:

"A pretty teenage girl is attacked by Dominic Necros, a copycat killer mimicking Freddy Krueger. Needless to say, people die in the attack, Lizzie survives, but it traumatized by the incident. She starts having nightmares about the "real" Freddy. Throughout her waking hours, she can only find comfort through her boyfriend, Jason (no, not that one). So, during her nightmares, she materializes that comfort in the form of another monster to protect her, Jason (yes, that one). Keep in mind, that's just her dream. The real Jason does show up later on, in the "real world." Lizzie's friends end up taking her away from her troubles (news crews, bloodstained house, etc.) and they end up going to a lake, the logic being that she runs to Camp Crystal Lake in her dream for safety, so she'll fell safer staying at a lake. Well, that's where I'll leave it. Just know that all the coolest stuff, including the climactic fight between the two horror superstars takes place there.

While the script was a mammoth step in the right direction, it is nowhere near perfect. I tried to find out the exact status of this pic, but I just ended up with conflicting answers. Some places say it's not shooting yet. Some say it is. Internet Movie Database says it is currently in production, but has summaries of previous drafts of the script and people cast in the Alice character and the pretty cool guy who hunted Jason in Jason Goes to Hell. In a way, I hope it's not shooting yet because there are some serious problems that I wish they would first recognize, then fix.

One: it has a pretty weak opening. Neither one of the title characters appear in the pre-title scene. I don't know about you guys out there, but if they're gonna bother to do a pre-title scene, then I know I want a bad-ass appearance by either Freddy or Jason (preferably both!).

Another problem I had (one that I share with Joad) was the copycat killer Dominic Necros. Joad said he "represented" Freddy... well not really. He's more like a henchman. You know, like Renfield was to Dracula, this guy is to Freddy. Dracula couldn't stand daylight, so he got Renfield to do his daytime dastardly deed. Freddy can't exist in the awake world, so he has Necros. See the connection? The problem I had with Necros was that he's in the script a lot more than Freddy is. The only possible way the filmmakers could pull him off, to make me and all the Freddy fans around the world happy, would be to cast Robert Englund sans make-up in the part, even though Necros is described in the script as being a young guy. Who knows, maybe they can make him work, but c'mon! People don't go to see a movie called Freddy Vs. Jason to see a guy named Dominic Necros! They're there for Freddy and/or Jason!

I think my main problem with the script is the setting: thereal world. I very strongly believe it should take place in the same world that the Freddy and Jason movies took place in: the movie world. The movie world where a conversation would be: "I had a dream that Freddy Krueger was trying to kill me!" "That couldn't happen, Freddy is just an urban legend!" "What about those murders up in Springwood?" Instead, the conversation is more like: "I had a dream that Freddy Krueger was trying to kill me." "That guy from Friday the 13th? No, wait, that was Jason. Freddy was from A Nightmare on Elm Street!" What made Bride of Chucky better than average was that the sequel did take place in the same world that all the other Chucky movies took place in. The way it is now in the Freddy Vs. Jason script, it's about two fictional characters in the real world, instead of two mythical characters in a fictional world.

All right. The last negative comment I have about the script is the slight tinkering with both Freddy and Jason's back stories. I'm not gonna go into the details because it is a climactic point in the story and I don't want to be the one to spoil it. Rest assured that it's not nearly as bad as in the previous script where they made Jason an Elm Street kid. Just because it's not as bad as that, doesn't mean it's a good thing. I think it's gonna piss off a lot of fans. Strike that, I know they are gonna piss people off especially because they almost make Jason a good guy, not just in this film, but in all the Friday's!!! Not only that, but Jason FUCKING TALKS!!!! They give Jason a line! What!!?!?!?!?!?!?!? Granted, I'm extremely curious as to what he's gonna sound like (an evil James Earl Jones or a baritone Juliette Lewis in The Other Sister mode), but giving Jason a line is like dry-humping a life-sized statue of the Virgin Mary, then going and pissing all over the Vatican while shitting into the pope's big hat, then wiping you ass with pages from the bible. In other words, blasphemy.

Now on to the good parts of the script. 90% of the stuff between Jason and Freddy is just fucking awesome. There is the possibility of at least three or four classic scenes during their battle. I had some awesome images of this fight in my head as I was reading. I just wish they would spread that kind of stuff out very thickly over the entire script. Again, it is called Freddy Vs. Jason, not 6 teens Vs. Beer and Drugs (the teens lose).

Another awesome moment is the decapitation of one of the main characters. Jason proves he's one of the biggest bad-asses of all time with this scene. I won't say anymore about this scene, but if the filmmakers (and special effect people)! come even close to pulling this scene off, it'll be worth paying full price just to see this scene. Out of the whole script, this was the only scene to have a touch of Evil Dead to it. Shut up! I said I'd shut up! I must say no more!"




THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT

April 17th, 1999


Ever hear of THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT? Well bitch, you should have... because on JULY 30th, 1999 this flick is gonna blow up in your fucking face. Why not head on over to their homepage at WWW.BLAIRWITCH.COM and view the carnage for yourself? Trust us, you'll be glad you did. And no, we're not giving you a clickable link: you'll have to type that shit in yourself like we used to in the good old days... AND LIKE IT.


A-PIX ALERT! A-PIX ALERT!

April 17th, 1999


Just so you horse fuckers out there know... the spawn ofthe demon seed over at A-PIX ENTERTAINMENT (the "people" responsible for JACK FROST, ICE CREAM MAN, UNCLE SAM, and THE FEAR) have managed to sink their grubby little claws into yet another horror project. This time, it's ISLAND OF THE DEAD: a tale of a wealthy land developer who wishes to build a luxury resort on a small island off the coast of New England. However, the LIVING DEAD in residence there have something to say to his candy ass... most likely something like: "Unnnnnnnnhhhhhhh! Unnnnnnhhhhhh!!". Anyway- this $3 million dollar cocksmoker will be filming on Hart Island (just off the coast of NYC) in the coming weeks, and will most likely show up straight to video before the end of the year... unless of course, someone takes the law into their own hands and stops this abomination unto Zod. Hooooo!


Aussie Slasher CUT Under Way

April 13th, 1999


Kimble Rendall, the telekinetic ass-scrub mastermind behind such classics as (Oh Who The Fuck Knows?) is going to unleash his latest film titled "CUT" upon audiences later this year. The slasher flick, touted as an "Austrailian version of SCREAM" (and that's the studio's own words, not mine- fucker) is going to be star Molly Ringwald, Jessica Napier, Kyle Minogue, Stephen curry, and an official Genghis Khan latex anus. The film is reportedly under way in the land down under as we speak... but no release dates have been given for U.S. or Australian theaters.


LAST SUMMER I SCREAMED BECAUSE FRIDAY THE 13th
OH.... TO HELL WITH THIS SHIT

April 9th, 1999


For some time now, sinister rumors have been wafting up from the stygian cunt crypt of Hollywood concerning a big time horror movie spoof in the works. By now everyone knows that Keenan Ivory Wayans (of the Hanna-Barbarians) has won the rights to produce his flick LAST SUMMER I SCREAMED BECAUSE FRIDAY THE 13TH FELL ON HALLOWEEN. However, did you know that this flick will be releasing into theaters on October 15th? Probably not. Did you know that I'M GONNA GIT YOU SUCKA gives OOKLA THE MOK a boner? Probably so. In any case, no talent for this project is known... but you can bet that Keenan will enlist the aid of several members of his obscenely huge family to act in this picture. As for our Creep opinion of this flick... the jury is still out. If handled in the same vein as I'M GONNA GIT YOU SUCKA, it could be funny as hell. However, the instant they tag a PG-13 rating on to it, it can suck our sweaty sumo cocks. Guess we'll have to wait and see, huh bitch? HUH?!?!


SIT ON IT: KOMODO UNFLUSHED

April 9th, 1999


From out of nowhere comes another giant reptile rampage movie. This time it's torn from the latex anus of director Michael Lantari and it focuses on the unpleasant dietary habits of three gigantic Komodo Dragons! The production of this flick was exceedingly low-key, and its shooting schedule in Australia has already wrapped. According to our source: this shit is in the can and ready to hit theaters in the next few months. Any casting info for KOMODO is unknown at this point (?) which leads us to wonder if this project is legitimate or just some smoke blown up our crusty manchu asses. In any event: keep a look out on NOTC for further developments!


JASON VS. FREDDY SCRIPT SIGHTING

April 8th, 1999


Any of you puggly motherfuckers out thee heard of the cholesteroid ass bomb HARRY KNOWLES? Yes, he's the double stuff pimplord behind AIN'T IT COOL NEWS. Yes, he's also fatter than fuck (remember the morbidly obese teacher in THE FACULTY that lugged those water cooler bottles? That's him.) but he's privy to some mad Hollywood rumors. Which brings us to this nugget of joy. Old Jabba Jr. managed to get a copy of the script for FREDDY VS. JASON into one of his meaty fists and (2 stuffed crust pizzas and a dozen breadsticks later) read the entire thing in a single sitting. What follows is a typical Harry-length article on his reaction to the script. We tried our best to edit out most of the superfluous crap about his childhood memories of life in the herd and fat farm follies so you can get the most out of this write-up... but it's tough work cleaning up after that fat bastard. So take a look at the article below, and be prepared for some middle-class spoilers here and there. It's really pretty bad ass... and debunks 75% of the rumors you've heard about this project before!

"Hey all you readers out there, I've got some good friggin' news for once about FREDDY VS. JASON... I've just finished reading the current draft of the script, sent in from my spy on the front line of New Line.... Codename Harry Caul. Mr Caul likes to listen in on things and wanted to hear what I thought of this draft of FREDDY VS. JASON.... Well... I'm gonna tell him... The current writers are Jonathan Aibel and Glenn Berger... and folks... They did a really great job with a script that could have sucked as bad as the previous drafts I've seen. God, I remember the one that ended with the Boxing match between Jason and Freddy... Ugh... Ok... You folks remember NEW NIGHTMARE? Wes Craven's last take on the Freddy world? Sure you do. Well... In a way this sort of takes a wink and a nod from there. This isn't set in the universe of Elm Street or Camp Crystal Lake. This film is set in OUR universe. I'm gonna give you just a teensy bitsy overview of the plotline, just so you can follow my train of thought on this flick... The film begins with two teenagers in the mood for love, one's been drinking a bit too much... a gal named Lizzy. Her boyfriend Jason puts her down to sleep, kisses her on the forehead... thinks about ravishing her... but then goes away. For me, this is where the film made it's first wonderful turn. Lizzy is asleep, she wakes up, there's a killer, yadda yadda... terror... screams... she survives what follows. Now the killer happens to be a serial killer that dresses up like Freddy Krueger. Now Lizzy has nightmares involving the "real" Freddy Krueger... but strangely they always end up at Camp Crystal Lake, and always have Jason Vorhees (notice the same first name as her boyfriend) as her savior just in the nick of time. Anyway, 'm not gonna get into going real far into the plot, which is actually very very fun, because... well it ought to unroll on screen... but I am going to go into why I liked it so much. First off.... after digesting this script for... ohhhh the 40 minutes or so after Iıve read it, I've come to the conclusion that it might actually be the best film involving either character. Aibel & Berger (the screenwriters remember?) have constructed a deliciously convoluted series of dreams within dreams or more aptly put nightmares within nightmares... so much so that by the end of the script... when what happens happens... Iım not entirely sure if this isn't all the product of Lizzy's first dream when her boyfriend put her down. There is no "WAKE UP" though, so I don't know if by the end of the film we are in a dream or reality and I like that a helluva lot. Lizzy has a whole buncha friends, and if New Line and director Rob Bottin get a cast of great teens to fill this film with, they'll have a fantastic fun filled film frothing upon our screens."



GEORGE ROMERO TO TAG WITH THE WACHOWSKI BROS.

April 7th, 1999


Strange news from the depths of TRIMARK today. It seems that Kabuki Bitch Whorelord GEORGE ROMERO will be joining forces with the creative minds behind the excellent sci-fi assbuster MATRIX (LARRY & ANDY WACHOWSKI) to direct a new horror flick entitled CARNIVORE. The plot of CARNIVORE centers around a strange boarding house in which rich individuals disappear under strange circumstances. The story will focus on a penniless occupant of the house who notices that the food being served "tastes a bit strange".

Production of CARNIVORE is set for August 1999, and is leading a lot of people to believe that Romero's mega-project RESIDENT EVIL (which he is both writing and directing) might be postponed for longer than anticipated! Now put that in your pipe and smoke it, asshole!




DOC OCK WOULD LIKE TO SHANK




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