<AUGUST: 1999



"Point. Click. Suck. Dick."



NOTC's August Back-To-School Special features cum-snorting retard bush-hogs from France and a three-pack of mechanical pencils for $1.99. We've also got a few news stories reduced for quick sale... but once school started: the fucking rumor mill dried up. Still, prior to August 20th, we've got a few nuggets of fecal joy worth reading: particularly on new FRIDAY THE 13TH and HALLOWEEN sequels. Now dig in, hotch!







RESIDENT EVIL?

August 20th, 1999


You know, it's been a while since we've blatantly stolen some news from our French Connection, the indomitable Kabuki Bitch Fist ARC VILE: part-time cyberpimp over at the excellent GOREZONE factory warehouse. Sure, we've stolen our fair share of shoddy european novelty gifts from his ass over the years (like that "gag fetus" from Spain... or that tentacled Swedish war dildo named THE OCTOPUS 5) but it's been a while since we've done him the incredible disservice of stealing from him. Well, listen to what this uppity bastard has to say about RESIDENT EVIL. As you remember, NOTC wrote off Romero's involvement with the project a long time ago... maybe ARC VILE has sniffed something that we haven't? Read on, intrepid filth:

"RESIDENT EVIL : Only a few weeks after George Romero seemed to indicate the film adaption of this game was six feet under, it seems there's still life in the old girl yet. RE Online has some interesting gossip regarding the project's future and it seems things are moving ahead for a Summer 2001 release. Romero's script was trashed as apparently it not only differed quite a bit from the game storywise, but the creatures were purely zombies and the tyrant - no other mutants. Romero still seems to be involved however, though only as director. The task of writing a new script has been handed to Andrew Kevin Walker (SEVEN, SLEEPY HOLLOW) who the article claims has finished a screenplay which uses all the monsters in the game (including a new one) and has a story much more like the game. No stars have yet become involved in the project but the earlier rumoured Bruce Payne now seems out of the running. Bill Pullman & Dolph Lundgren (talk about differing choices) are two names being 'eyed' for roles though any solid casting is still a LONG way away.."

Maybe this means something to all you google-eyed shiteaters out there, but I wouldn't know "the tyrant" from a dick on a walrus. At one time this movie seemed to hold some promise despite it's video game heritage... but at this rate face it, the RE movie is destined to suck sausage out of a retarded panda's asshole. Anyone who disagrees can kindly enter UP, UP, DOWN, DOWN, LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT, RIGHT, B, A, START at my title screen and FUCK OFF.


JASON ATE MY BALLS

August 20th, 1999


American fitness guru Jason Voorhees, who has been on a non-stop killing spree since 1980 shows little signs of slowing down. Sure, there was that embarassing FIRDAY THE 13th: THE SERIES thing... and well, an appearance on NITRO where he got DDT'd through a table by Scott Steiner... but through it all, he's been a walking, stalking, 250 pound bad ass. So what's next for Comrade Voorhees? Well, according to Crystal Lake Entertainment (the production company behind the entire Friday the 13th movie line-up) has gone on record saying that a TENTH installment of the infamous series is in the works: one that has absolutely nothing to do with Freddy Kruger. The tentative "start-of-shooting" date is slated for February of 2000. The prospective cast is unknown as of yet, but word round the NOTC campfire is that James Isaac is set to direct the pic, first time Hollywood hack Todd Farmer is set to write the script, and old-skool demon pimp Sean S. Cunningham (who directed the original F13) is going to be executive producer. Word around the campfire also states (hey bitch, it's a big campfire) that the new film will most likely take place somewhere far from Crystal Lake: like your mama's house.... or France. Also, a lot of the freak concepts introduced in JASON GOES TO HELL, like "body-hopping" and ancient demonic prophecies will be ignored in this installment. NOTC would like to thank Fridaythe13th.com for giving us the hook up on this story. We'd also like to thank the cast of Good Burger for... well... being the cast of Good Burger.


FISHMASTER 2: EVIL NEVER DIES

August 18th, 1999


Well maybe it's time that it fucking DID. Did any of you sin-stained mechanical assholes out there know that WISHMASTER 2: EVIL NEVER DIES released straight to video yesterday? Goddamn. And hear we were still thinking that it might appear on the big screen someday in the distant, irradiated future. It came as atotal shock that this hulking cock-master of a horror flick would dare shamble onto video store shelves everywhere without notifying us firsthand. Although we haven't laid eyes on the pubic gnome just yet: you can rest assured that it'll feature the old genie from the original up to some more slapstick hilarity... but this time he'll be without any semblance of a respectable cast. In fact, the big names attached to WISHMASTER 2 are Andrew Divoff, Paul Johansen, and Holly Fields. Now I went to high school with Holly Fields...or at least *a* Holly Fields... and yes, she did get naked in the back of a jacked-up pickup truck. And man, lemme tell you something: that left titty was CROOKED. So crooked in fact, that her baby breast feeds and gets strawberry quik. Anyway, WISHMASTER 2 is out on shelves now... and word round the campfire is that it sucks some mean cock (just like Holly, by golly)... so take that for what it's worth and rent it if you dare.


Live Broadcastration

August 18th, 1999


THE LAST BROADCAST. Ever hear of it? Fuck no, you're deaf. But if you had command over your sonic sensibilities like a normal person, you might have heard of this low-caliber, heat seeking ass bandit. It's been getting some attention because of some startling similarities it shares with one of this summer's mega-buck cockbusters: THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT. THE LAST BROADCAST chronicles the fateful journey of a small group of filmmakers (journalists) as they travel out to a remote spot in the woods (the New Jersey Pine Barrens) to investigate the mystery behind an old local legend (The Jersey Devil). While out in the woods "on location", all manner of spooky shit befalls the crew... and THE LAST BROADCAST is their only remaining legacy. Unsurprisingly, the similarities between the two films has raised more than a few eyebrows in Hollywood. Will THE LAST BROADAST manage to raise your eyebrow? I dunno... but that fart the cat cut when you stepped on it's paw sure did- and it just smelled like Mariner's Catch. In any case, THE LAST BROADCAST will appear on video store shelves this August 24th- so look for it. It might be worth checking out, especially if you're the same kind of asshole who says Quentin Tarantino stole Reservoir Dogs from some cheap-ass new-school HK Action Flick CITY ON FIRE.


Everybody's Dead

August 18th, 1999


Or at least, everyone will wish they were after they smell that gap.... or see this upcoming movie. Apparently, Brian Lynch and his angry mob of yahooligan asshole safari masters at ARTISAN ENTERTAINMENT have forged an agreement to make his horror/<> c-c-comedy picture EVERYBODY'S DEAD a reality. The premise? A wild frat party that takes a turn into dark humor when it is besieged by an army of the living dead. Ahhhh... such room for potential... but it's that goddamn "horror/comedy" tag that clues us all into the fact that this one will wind up sucking the energon out of Starscream's ass backstage at the Decepticon (or is that the WCW) Power Plant. IDLE HANDS, LAKE PLACID, and the infamous TOOT TOOT ALL HANDS ON DICK: THE LEGENDARY JOURNEYS all tried (unsuccessfully) to blend these two elements... and look where they are now: Canada.


H2K

August 12th, 1999


A while back NOTC stone cold stunned your ass with rumors of a possible HALLOWEEN 8. Well, thanks to our biomechanical anal interrogator droids, we managed to rape a confession out of some fat-fingered studio executives. Case and point: producer Paul Freeman. As the terror droids ran a train on his corpulent showbiz ass in the bathroom at Denny's he managed to choke out a startling confession.

According to Capt. Freeman, a team of writers are currently working on a script for the 8th installment of the HALLOWEEN series. It's tentatively titled HALLOWEEN H2K: EVIL NEVER DIES- and a prospective release date of Fall 2000 has been announced. Practically nothing is known about the story at this point: other than it will be set in Haddonfield and most likely will be filmed in Salt Lake City Utah (where previous sequels were filmed). It is unknown whether or not MICHAEL MYERS himself will be making an appearance in this installment... especially considering he had his fucking head lopped off at the end of H20. NOTC will keep you posted.


The Straight Shit on HANNIBAL

August 6th, 1999


For many moons people have seen fit to talk much shit about the long anticipated sequel to SILENCE OF THE LAMBS. Well, now that HANNIBAL's transition to the big screen is a few steps closer to reality- the festering anal cysts here at NOTC have the bottom line on this project as it currently stands.

The fact that RIDLEY SCOTT will direct HANNIBAL is apparently set in stone. However, SIR JODIE FOSTER and more importantly SIR ANTHONY HOPKINS have not been formally signed on to the project. Scott reports "positive meetings" with the two stars from the original... but they have refused to sign until they get the chance to review the screenplay adapted by DAVID MAMET. JAMES WOODS has expressed considerable interest in working under Ridley Scott, and his involvement in the project as Lecter's carnivorous pig-breeding nemesis has been widely speculated. However, Woods has no tie to HANNIBAL at this time. Another point of interest is the in-depths conversations Ridley Scott and producer DINO DeLAURENTITIS has been having with SARAH-MICHELLE GELLER about a possible role in the film. when exactly HANNIBAL will make it to the big screen is anybody's guess... but a late 2000 release date seems most likely.



BLAIR WITCH: EPISODE ONE

August 5th, 1999


Trust us... we're just as sick of BLAIR WITCH news as you are. This shit is getting out of fucking hand quick. To prove our point- check out this story that we stole from the haunted anus of THE CABINET OF DR. CASEY, but edited for recreational purposes:

"Blair Witch Project creators Daniel Myrick and Retardo Sanchez will meet with Artisan Entertainment on Monday [Nitro] August 2nd to discus[s] their next project, according to the Hollywood Reporter. The [Ambiguously Gay] duo has four plots outlined, two of which are prequels: one about the Blair Witch legend and another, which is alluded to in The Blair Witch Project, about a [crunchy breakfast] serial killer who murdered seven [-teen thousand] children during the 1940s. The filmmakers and Artisan are shooting for a summer 2000 release."

It is unknown if JAR JAR BINKS will appear in the prequel. Oh jesus. And you actually thought this movie could retain any of its dignity? Hell, it's too profitable for Hollywood not to screw with. What a fucking scam. Sure, I'll be lined up at TOYS 'R' US at midnight to buy the collectible BLAIR WITCH action figures... but man, I'll be hating every moment of it.


You Run! You Slide!

August 4th, 1999


You hit the bump, & take a dive! It's CROCODILE MILE (from WHAM-O!), and NOTC is holding it personally responsible for the sudden explosion of killer-croc movies. First, there was ALLIGATOR 3: ALLIGATROPOLIS. Of course, it starred a marauding alligator... but we're stupid and couldn't tell the different between the two species. Then, there was that time we all got drunk and watched THE CROCODILE HUNTER. Then there was LAKE PLACID, which gave 3 out of the 4 reviewers who saw it crippling cases of full-blown oral herpes. Nevermind the fact that the popcorn we were eating had been pissed in. And now- after all that shit... comes FLAT DOG. Yes, FLAT DOG. It's a film from old world horror goremeister TOBE HOOPER (TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE, EATEN ALIVE, BLACK ANAL BONDAGE SLUTS VOLUME IX) that deals with a bunch of kids on spring break who manage to destroy a bunch of crocodile eggs- only to have the mother come after them. The film will feature a cast of complete unknowns and will be produced by Frank Demartini. FLAT DOG is slated to pop up in theaters sometime early in 2000- but by then we'll all be too busy struggling to survive in the post-apocalyptic wasteland of 21st century America to notice. Now give me than can of irradiated beans and franks before I bash your skull with this wrench, you sick fuck!


MUM's the Word

August 3rd, 1999


Actually, "SHIT's" the word. The bad, 4-letter word. Though it's hardly our vein of "horror", this summer's cgi action-adventure-horror-midget porn shitfest THE MUMMY raked in over $150 miiiilllion dollars to date. Well, the studio execs have smelled blood... and nothing on earth is gonna stop them (or FIREBALL) from shoving a sequel up your ass. In fact, Stephen Sommers has already signed a deal with Universal to make the big-budgeted sequel to THE MUMMY that will release in the summer of 2001.


TBWPDVD

August 2nd, 1999


Word round the campfire is that ARTISAN ENTERTAINMENT (in cooperation with MY FAT BLACK DICK) is preparing to release a special DVD version of THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT by Halloween of this year. The DVD will include an assload of of extras, including: approximately 4-6 hours(!) of extra never-before-seen footage, no fewer than 3 alternate endings, a handful of deleted scenes, and even the original sci-fi channel documentary. Whether or not the DVD will include footage of Heather Donahue smoking a cuban cigar with her anus while playing Dr. Mario is unknown.








DOC OCK WOULD LIKE TO SHANK




ATTENTION CITIZENS OF EARTH:

Although we take measures to ensure the stories we post here on NotC are as accurate as possible, it is important that you understand the movie business (the horror film business, in particular) is unpredictable as hell- and what may apparently be set in stone one day may completely fall through the next. So don't blame us if you tell all your friends something you read on the NotC Rumor Mill and they laugh at you because it isn't exactly true. Night of the Creeps or its Staff Memebers can not be held accountable for your ass if it gets kicked as a result of Doctor Octagon's Rumor Mill Page. In addition, aforementioned Staff Members can not be held accountable for the Olympic Park Bombing, leaving the toilet seat up, or leaving the cake out in the rain. Night of the Creeps is, in no way, associated with the Artist Formerly Known as Prince or Rodan. We are, however, associated with Mecha-King Ghidorah and we reserve the exclusive right to open up a can of mecha-whoop ass on you if you don't get on the phone right now and call your mama. Power to the Nation and the Booty Space Station. All rights reserved. Patent Pending.