NOTC Coughs Up Some Chunky Bile All Over...




It doesn't happen too often around NOTC, especially given the recent trends in horror movies. But once in a great while we stumble upon a movie that just doesn't seem fit with NIGHT OF THE CREEPS post-apocalyptic blend of space funk 'n' spices. A movie that just seems totally out of place when deposited upon our vomit-spackled Flick List. It's like seeing Denise Richards shovel panda shit at the end of the parade, or the idea of your sex partner having a blood alcohol content under 6.5: it just seems fundamentally wrong. Over the years, a handful of horror films have crossed our sin-stained screens here at NOTC that are simply too good to deserve the attention of scoundrels like us. Stanley Kubrick's THE SHINING, PSYCHO, the original EXORCIST, and JACOB'S LADDER all make it into this elite group (albeit the latter made it in by the wrinkled skin of its nutsack). They transcend the classification of "B" horror that exemplifies all the shit on our Flick List and therefore our precious ratings criteria have little meaning when reviewing them. Placing these genre classics alongside unwiped assholes such as JACK FROST, KILLER NERD, or BLUE MONKEY is heresey. These select few are truly in a class all by themselves.

And now we can add THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT to this pantheon of classic horror films. After seeing the film last night, we can all say with confidence that it'll take the torpid shit-beast that is contemporary studio horror and turn it on its fucking ear. It will no doubt change the face of horror releases for quite some time, much like SCREAM drastically altered the course of the genre in the early 1990s. However, BLAIR WITCH is a much more ominous omen of things to come for the horror genre (a damn good thing): a harbinger of some honestly frightening and thought-provoking horror films that stress story over cheap effects. It's a revolutionary film to say the least, and it's a triumph that something as eccentric as BLAIR WITCH ever found its way into theaters considering the horror genre has essentially had its asshole raped by Tranzor Z over the last few years. It truly gives all indie horror filmmakers hope. Now they too can be shamelessly exploited by the power hungry turd cabals of Hollywood. God Bless America. Now pass me my fucking royalty check, hoss.

There's no real way that NIGHT OF THE CREEPS can do a review of THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT with any amount of dignity, so we won't even fucking bother. It defies the horror movie logic that we've carefully constructed here at NOTC by giving us no gore, no titty, and no kills- and still managing to whip a healthy dose of kinkajou ass with a belt in Jesus' name, Amen. It's the kind of movie that you'll talk about for hours afterwards if your crew is worth half a shit. It's the kind of movie that will crawl inside your head and just sit there for hours (or days) at a time until you shit it out of your skull with hard liquor, a glue-sniffing binge, or by playing Parappa the Rapper for 3 hours straight while stoned out of your mind. It's definitely not a movie for everybody: those who like it will most definitely love it... and those who don't will really loathe it. It's more of an acquired taste, like pussy.

Now aside from the fact that you need to get up off your pathetic fat ass and see it, that's all that you really need to know about this fucking movie. Still, there area handful of you retarded bastards out there who just can't get enough of our sassy french lovin' and must ask the following questions. For those of you out there who get more 1-Ups than pussy these days.... we've got the answers to some of your questions below. Enjoy it at your own risk, trailer trash of the NOTC horde, for spoilers lurk beyond this point:


"So does THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT live up to the media hype it's been getting?"

"O.K. whatever. IS IT SCARY, you bastard?"

"The whole 'Blair Witch' thing: is it legit? I mean, is it real?"

"So where can I see this damn flick before its mainstream release on July 30th?"