DECEMBER 1999



"LONG HAIRED FREAKY PEOPLE NEED NOT APPLY"



Hey, you fat tub of shit. You got a problem? I do. It's a word problem... as in, which word do I have to use to get you the fuck out of my face. What's the matter? Steroids make you deaf? No matter. A dropkick to the penis followed by a lightning fast Abobo headclap means the same thing in any language: including sign language. Speaking of sign language (what a strange thing to say) I have a sign above my bed that says SLIPPERY WHEN WET. You see, it's a waterbed... and well, uh... it's like.... wet. Anyway, your moms thought it was pretty funny last night when she saw it... then I pulled up my pants and hit that crusty old bitch in the sternum with an elbowsmash. Anyway, here are your goddamn rumors for December 1999. I hope you fucking choke.





WHICH WITCH BITCH 2 & 3

December 11th, 1999


Monster truck props once again go out to the one-man Russian Concussion ARC-VILE (and all this time you thought it was Zangief) and his travelling circus of dwarven anal rape known as THE GOREZONE (www.horror.net/gorezone). This week- Comrade EuroTrash has uncovered some sobering information on the upcoming BLAIR WITCH movies. It seems that the ghetto overlords of the Blair Witch Projects Daniel Myrick and Eduardo Sanchez have been reduced for quick sale by their masters at ARTISAN. The two creators will be serving merely as Executive Producers of the upcoming sequel to the BLAIR WITCH PROJECT (due out next year in time for Halloween). ARTISAN ENTERTAINMENT is currently holding a fucked-up "Blair Witch Contest" amongst a stable of writers. The basis gist of it is, the best script of the bunch gets made ASAP in order to cash in on the Blair Witch craze. Anyway... here's ARC's book report:

"Given recent word of Artisan's screenwriting competition for BLAIR WITCH PROJECT 2, it sure sounds like the film's co-directors, Daniel Myrick and Eduardo Sanchez, won't be involved other than in a consulting status. Still, according to Variety, they appear to be open to the idea of coming back for a third film. While talking to the trade, Myrick revealed, 'There's definitely going to be a sequel, and we have a first-look deal with Artisan, who have prequel and sequel rights. We're slated to do the third BLAIR WITCH film if there is a third.'"



SHADOW OF THE VAMPIRE

December 11th, 1999


Here's a small news nugget for all you godless Prussian dick hogs out there regarding John Malkovich's new SHADOW OF THE VAMPIRE flick: Though teasers for this "behind the scenes" look at the (nintendo) old-skool 1922 production of NOSFERATU have been floating around theaters for about a month now (and filming wrapped over six months ago)- LION'S GATE FILMS has recently announced that it will not be released until JUNE 2000.

In a related story: last week on RAW I kicked Chyna so fucking hard that she got pregnant. She's expecting a FILA sometime next Fall.


FINAL DESTINATION

December 8th, 1999


Last week, I bitch smacked Yoshimitsu for eating the last Pepperoni Pizza Hot Pocket. He sobbed in anguish (for the mighty bitchsmack I delivered unto him made a dent in his facial plate) and ran out of my life- forever. I never did learn of his FINAL DESTINATION. Then I heard that New Line Cinema was making a horror flick titled FINAL DESTINATION. I had a hunch that their was a connection between this project and the disappearance of my mechanical space ninja. It turned out that I was wrong. Yoshimitsu has nothing to do with FINAL DESTINATION. But Green Abobo does, and after I visited the film set, we kicked it old school at T.G.I.Friday's over some tater skins.

Here's what Green Abobo told me in between headclaps:

Eight seemingly random passengers are forced to disembark from a commercial airliner shortly before takeoff for a variety of reasons. One of the passengers has the disturbing premonition that the plane she just got off was destined to go down in a ball of flame. Another passenger has a premonition that she's going to get kicked in the tit by Wolfman when she tells him that she accidentally taped over his WRESTLEMANIA XIII tape. Imagine their collective horror when the plane actually does crash in a horrifying accident- killing everyone aboard! Although shocked by their brush with death, the eight survivors are content to chalk up their safety to nothing more than blind luck... that is, until they start dying one-by-one under mysterious circumstances. As the body count rises and the asses drop: the passengers are faced with the grim realization that some sinister force may be at work here.

Hmmmm.... the whole thing smells a bit fishy to me: just like Lisa Loeb's bicycle seat. Although they've avoided the term, I sense the phrase "psychological thriller" is going to appear somewhere on the trailer for this stinkfisting dirt-fucker. Still, with a tagline like "DEATH IS COMING" (which, incidentally would make a killer title for a zombie porno), it may not be all that bad. Supposedly this Syrian Buttfest is already in the can: waiting to be released sometime in the next few months. It's a low-key production, with a virtually unknown cast, so keep your eyes open for it...


ALTERNATE ENDINGS FOR FREDDY VS. JASON

December 8th, 1999


Goddamn if I'm not getting sick of reporting on Hutu asslicking action regarding FREDDY VS. JASON. I think I'll report on MARVEL VS. CAPCOM instead. NEWSFLASH: last week I got my ass kicked by a six year old Korean kid at Pizza Hut. I was Mega Man and War Machine. He was Spider Man and Hulk. He thought getting a double perfect on me was pretty funny.... that is, until I did a quick f,d, d/f + HP and threw him into the salad bar and hit him with a personal pan suplex. Yeah, whose laughing now... bitch?

But just to be civil- I drop this science on your ass. ROBERT ENGLUND was doing his talkshow circuit thing. Somehow, he wound up on the Roseanne Barr show talking about how they will be shooting three different final reels for FREDDY VS. JASON: one where FREDDY wins, one where JASON wins, and one where the BUTLER did it. Still no concrete release date for F Vs. J, but I hear G Vs. E is on USA at 9pm Eastern.


URBANE LEGENDS

December 8th, 1999


With filming for this bubonic shitfest slated to wrap next week in and around Toronto: I thought I might just refresh everybody's scent with a quick review of URBAN LEGENDS' details.

The film will be the first directorial effort of longtime music composer John Ottman. As you'd imagine: that means absolute jack shit.... unless you bought the soundtrack to THE CABLE GUY, in which case- you'll be thrilled.

The cast has exactly one name which I recognize.... and it's from that "very special episode" of BLOSSOM where she gets gangraped by muppets down in FRAGGLE ROCK. The main cast is as follows: Joey Lawrence, Jenny Morrison, Anthony Anderson, Hart Bochner, Jessica Cauffiel, Matt Davis, Loretta Devine, Marco Hofschneider, Eva Mendez, Anson Mount, and Leland Tilden.

The flick takes place at a different university from the original film and features an entirely new cast of characters. It focuses on a struggling film student (Jenny Morrison) who is trying to do a video documentary on Urban Legends. However, in a strange twist of fate... her cast and crew members begin to die one by one- in ways resembling the very legends they're documenting! Then some space Nazis come and tear down the orphanage. Joey Lawrence is one of the Urban Legends featured prominently, as is the rumor that some hot chick in the film will get naked and box the Noxema girl's titties.

With a large victim base and utterly retarded premise- you'd think this one would stand a chance as a good slasher flick, but leave it up to the biscuit-headed ass pirates up at COLUMBIA PICTURES to start throwing around the phrase "psychological thriller" in the press releases. Goddammit... what other type of movie but a horror flick could have these degrading genre changes in MID FUCKING SERIES?!?!?! Well... I don't know. Maybe genre changes aren't all bad. Personally, I'd like to see something like BABE go from a whimsical children's tale to something like hardcore barnyard porn- but that'll never happen. And no, I'll never see SIMON SEZ 2 go from an action movie to a..... well, fuck it: I'll probably never see SIMON SEZ 2.

Anyway, be on the lookout for URBAN LEGENDS sometime early in 2000... that is, if you haven't been hunted down by the nomadic bands of hungry radioactive mutants that will stalk America's post-apocalyptic wasteland.


ZERO G SPOT

December 1st, 1999


Hey, it's December 1st... and you know what that means? That's right: it's cold as fuck out there. Actually, fuck usually isn't all that cold- I'd say around 98.6 degrees. But when you're dealing with cold-blooded reptillian shitholes like DOCTOR OCTAGON and his wack primary shapeshifting bunch: it can get icy quick. And speaking of icy, we've got a story that will put icicles on your nuts. It's a glimpse into the upcoming FRIDAY THE 13th flick- and needless to say: it caught us all as a total (insert FUCKING here) shock.

Here's the dilly: yo-yo ball is what you call it. Actually, DEEP SPACE is what you call it. In space, no one can hear you scream.... or cum... or play your SCORPIONS album with the stereo turned all the way up. And wouldn't you know it, but DEEP SPACE is reportedly the setting for the upcoming Jason film. That's right, you heard it here third: WWW.FRIDAYTHE 13TH.COM reports that the tenth istallment of the venereal series FRIDAY THE 13th will take place.... ON A SPACE STATION 500 YEARS INTO THE FUTURE.

Sometimes truth is stranger than friction. I would say this is one of those instances, but the rumors I heard about FRIDAY X involved an orangutan with a razor blade clit and a POKEMON trading card scene. Word round the campfire is that the script is funny as shit. Shit was unavailable for comment.


BLADE BLOODHUNT

December 1st, 1999


Leader of the French Resistance and part-time Kabuki bitchsmack ARC-VILE has once again put us to shame with his unorthodox 5 Element Fist. While sampling the finest muppet buttpussy the Children's Television Workshop had to offer- A.R.C. did a little research on the upcoming sequel to BLADE. Now, subjected for your pure chewing satisfaction, comes this fat hillbilly shitfuck with a ton of science fo ya. Enjiggity-joy it now.

"BLADE BLOODHUNT: I decided after sinking my teeth into some turkey, I'd sink my teeth into this and see what it's all about. Now, mind you, I love vampire flicks, and seeing BLADE was somewhat better than I had originally anticipated. Great action flick. Love the martial arts stuff especially, and it was interesting to see Kris Kristofferson in this kind of movie. But, hey for two hours I bought into it, and had a good time with it."

"So now, it brings me to its inevitable sequel. The sequel basically picks up about a year after the first flick, and Blade is still out and about hunting vampires. But where he said in the first film, "there's some things out there tonight worse than vampires..." this time it ain't him. It's a much bigger threat, a creature called Nomak, a genetic mis-hap that carries a lethal virus, which overtakes it's host almost immediately. This causes the victim to turn into something more powerful and vicious than your average vampire. A near indestructible killing machine known as a Reaper, which spreads the infection to others."

"This threat, to both the vampires and humans, leads Blade to team up with a group of vampires soldiers called "the Bloodpack". It is their mission to find and destroy Nomak before the virus is spread beyond anyone's control, before assimilating the human and vampire population entirely."

"Now what makes this sequel interesting is that it takes the threat up to a whole other level. It's not just Blade fighting off another gang of vampires, but having Blade take up arms with the enemy. There's a lot of friction between Blade and the gang, and ultimately once the threat is vanquished, each realize all bets are off and for Blade it's back to the hunt. His temporary alliance does not change his opinion of the vampires which he has dedicated his life to hunting down."

"Blade's character is also expanded somewhat within the context of the story by broadening his relationship with the vampires, and their underworld. He's also given the opportunity to get a little somethin', somethin' (if you know what I mean)."

"The individuals that form "the Bloodpack" have their own characters and personalities. Similar to the marines in ALIENS or the band of vampire hunters in Don Jackoby's "Vampire$" script. Unfortunately, most don't last beyond their first encounter with a brood of Reapers in the city's underground sewers."

"Which leads into the action. There are some really fantastic sequences (like the one mentioned above), but what I did find that seemed to be lacking, were the martial arts sequences which were so plentiful and fun in the first. It's not until the finale, that Blade really goes into a heavy martial arts fighting sequence. The action is mostly given towards an opening foot/motorcycle/car chase sequence, then a bit of gunplay, and finally, saving the best for last, Blade and his sword doing what they do best. Which isn't to say that the action sequences aren't fine, they are. Just my personal observation."

"With regards to the plot and characters, the script is written very much in the context of a comic book. Which, for this series, makes for a fine addition. Credit BLADE writer David S. Goyer, for coming back onboard for it's sequel, and keeping with the fun and over-stylized violence which made the first film so much fun."

"Technical Information: BLADE BLOODHUNT: Written By: David S. Goyer, Based on the Marvel Comics character, Draft date: 20-Apr-99 ?, Side note: Longtime music video director, Paul (Marilyn Manson's "The Dope Show") Hunter is currently rumored to helm."



DOC OCK WOULD LIKE TO SHANK




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