From the confines of his sin-stained mechanical womb, Hitler's Brain has agreed to host the infamous NIGHT OF THE CREEPS' F.A.Q. Of course, this is after we threatened to push his jar off the counter and breakdance on his cerebrum... but nonetheless: he is our mind slave now. Nevermind that the gutless fiend doesn't have a mouth anymore... and even if he did, he couldn't speak English worth a damn. Not only do we utilize him as an attractive paperweight around NOTC Headquarters and put funny hats on his jar on holidays... but we also tease him about building him a new exoskeleton out of LEGO and making him fight armies of little spacemen for our amusement. But all that's beside the point now. You've fallen into his evil clutches here in the souless depths of the NOTC poop pit known as THE CREEP FAQ. Contained within subterranean lair of food, folks, and fun is an Alabammer Assload of questions about the insidious goings-on here at NIGHT OF THE CREEPS. Always wondered just who in the fuck we really are? Ever wonder what the hell we do all day besides play Bomberman Solid and wipe our asses on your cat? Ever wonder when we're going ot grow up and get REAL JOBS? Well, tough shit. You ain't gonna find out any of that crap here on this FAQ. However, if you're an intrepid little idiot and read the whole damn thing... you might just learn a little about yourself....and each other. Hell, you'd better have more fun than THE OAKRIDGE BOYS at DISCOVERY ZONE- or I'll club this baby seal!





"Did Somebody Say McDonald's?"

"Yes."




"So where in the hell are all the 'classic' horror flicks like the "NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREETs", "HALLOWEENs", Or "EVIL DEADs" on your page? I thought you retards were supposed to be authorities on horror!"

"Actually, we're the authorities on TV/VCR repair. Still, if we had a dollar for every time some little snot-nosed faggot sent us this same question in through our mailbox... we could go over to Piggly Wiggly, buy a fat ass box of CRUNCH 'N' MUNCH, and still have enough money left over to buy a pack of Jesus Trading Pogs at La Tienda Mexicana. A lot of people seem to think that we haven't heard of (let alone seen) such classics like Sam Raimi's excellent EVIL DEAD trilogy, BAD TASTE or DEAD ALIVE, or all of the HALLOWEEN movies just because they don't show up on our FLICK LIST. The truth is, these movies are excellent classics that have been seen by just about everyone in the horror community- including all of us. We could easily sit down and do full length reviews for every single EVIL DEAD & FRIDAY THE 13th movie in existence... but come on- if you haven't heard of these flicks by now you've either been living in Aquaman's Underwater Butt Nest for the last 10 years or need to quit your sexy job. The fact is, there are probably a thousand other sites that have full length reviews of these venerable classics, and we just don't feel that these films require monster entries on our Flick List. Instead, we feel that these films deserve special attention on our HALL OF FAME section, where an individual Creep will pay homage to a particular franchise or classic film in grand style."




"Speaking of THE HALL OF FAME... for the last three months, the only entries into the HALL OF FAME have been a handful of films. What's up with that shit? Where are the rest of the flicks that deserve recognition, like 'DUNSTON CHECKS IN'?"

"Now before you go getting your K-Mart Val-U panties in a wad, hear us out. We plan on adding quite a few more entries into our HALL OF FAME, but over time. As we stated earlier- the tributes in the HALL OF FAME are done by individual staff members here at NOTC. Motivating certain NOTC members to write up a big essay on "The Legacy of Michael Meyers" can be a difficult task in itself... especially when you consider that most of them are too lazy to get off the couch to take a shit. However, as time constraints allow, we plan on inducting the NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET franchise, the HALLOWEEN franchise, the EVIL DEAD trilogy, BAD TASTE, DEAD ALIVE, and quite possibly LUCIO FULCI's ZOMBIE into our HALL OF FAME. Just be patient, you heartless bastards!"




"My mommy says that watching too many horror movies is bad for me. Is she crazy?"

"No Bobby, just ignorant. Why, all of us here at NIGHT OF THE CREEPS have seen untold hundreds of hours of horror films since early childhood... AND LOOK HOW WELL WE TURNED OUT."




"I've been thinking about buying some of those PRINGLES potato chips that I see advertised on TV for quite some time now. However, I hear that once you pop- you can't stop. What Ever Shall I Do?"

"Besides sitting on the muzzle of a loaded 12 gauge and pulling the trigger with your toe, perhaps you should consider purchasing a box of GOLDEN GRAHAMS. Once you realize how they cram all that graham (and remove all cereal from your rectum), you'll be ready both mentally and physically to tackle something like those PRINGLES."




"What the fuck is up with CHICKENHEAD?"

"Fajita. Gordita. A freshly peppered Pita. A psycho slut with sickle-cell. I think her name's Conchita."




"You guys are funny as shit, and I want to contribute to the NOTC Bowel Movement. Can I review some horror flicks for you guys on the site? I've seen my fair share of horror flicks, you know.... and I'm a dope bad, iron-clad, Nintendo Entertainment Style POWER PAD. "

"Let's get one thing straight, buster. PLEASE don't nag our asses every day about writing reviews for us here at NIGHT OF THE CREEPS. As much as we are flattered by the overwhelming fan support we get here at NOTC- our review crew is a very tight knit family. We were all raised by the same Tribe of Bionic Voodoo Gynecologists as infants when our plane crashed in the heart of the Dark Continent back in 1977. As a result, while on parole we all get together and watch these horror flicks as a team. We're an angry mob over here at NOTC HQ, and we attack our bad movies with the same mentality. Horror flicks (bad ones anyway) just don't carry the same kind of feel when you watch them by yourself in your dorm room while beating off or in the broom closet as they would if you had your personal army of rancid hillbilly nightgaunts assembled at your side. Because of this- we don't accept reviews or comments/ratings from people detached from the group. I know, we're assholes. But we're family."




"What's the difference between a 69 and driving in the fog?"

"When you're driving in the fog, you can't see the asshole in front of you."




"Is that dope enough?"

"Indeed."




"Well, fuck you apes. I want to do SOMETHING for the web site. Is there anything that I can do besides writing reviews?"

"HELL YES! Just because we're a bunch of assholes doesn't exactly mean that we're a...bunch of....ummm, assholes. We love to get help from our sickest fans whenever we can! So what can you do to help the NOTC cause, and get your shit posted on the page while you're at it? Why not try to dig up some good horror rumors or horror news for DOCTOR OCTAGON in the RUMOR MILL? He's always on the look out for fresh victims...er, ASSISSTANTS in his underground brain farm. We'll even accept steady contributors to the cause that way. Or why not recommend some flicks for us to post on our FLICK LIST? If you recommend one and it rocks serious ass with the NOTC Review Square Dance Review Squad- we'll give you the mad props you deserve on our page! However, if it sucks Donkey Kong Dick, don't expect JACK SHIT from us... except for maybe a black eye."




"When is Bastille Day?"

"July 14th."




"Willis?"

"Willis what?"

"Willis dick fit in your mouth, byatch?"




"What in the hell is up with QUE SALA DE ESE CULO? What does that shit mean anyway?"

"For those of us not fluent in monkey talk... 'Que Sala De Ese Culo' means 'What's Coming Out Of That Ass' in Spanish. So what is the ESE CULO section all about? It's NOTC's attempt at exploiting our only Hispanic member to the fullest extent possible under existing laws. We used to have him working in the NOTC textile sweatshop manufacturing the McKIDS line of children's clothing for our Vitrigon Overlords at WAL-MART. However, after THE MAN got involved, we had to let him write a weekly/monthly/seasonal column about Gorilla Asses, Aztecs, Mexican Wrestlers, and other tough issues. See? We've got that dope bad ethnic zest now... like TOP RAMEN that got dropped in the litter box."




"Do Zombies have super streng?"

"No, but they do have a THAC0 of 15."




"Hello, my name is GODEN. I won your goddamned NIGHT OF THE CREEPS contest: KING FOR A DAY, JACKASS 4 LIFE back in JUNE 1998. Where in the fuck is my prize?"

"Excuse Me, Do We Know You?"




"Hello, my name is GLAMOR THE LATEX ANUS. I won your goddamned NIGHT OF THE CREEPS contest: NO PAIN, NO PAIN (which was a stupid fucking title by the way) back in OCTOBER 1998 . So where in the fuck is my prize?"

"Excuse Me, But I Don't Get Paid (or Laid) Enough To Take Shit From An Anus... and furthe... HAHAHAHAHAHA!"




"Hello, my name is PAN. That's right, PAN. You know, GREEK GOD PAN? One half goat, the other half man?"

"Oh Pan! You're so dreamy! Crunchy, Creamy! WE LOVE PAN!"




"The other day while I was having sex with my inflatable love doll, she shouted "El Santo" instead of "Timmy". DAMN YOU BASTARDS!!!"

"Timmy... that wasn't exactly a question. Just for that we're going to send the whole Night of the Creeps team (including OOKLA THE MOK) to your house to shit on your front porch."




"Speaking of porches, I heard a nasty rumor that NOTC Staff Member OOKLA THE MOK is too sexy for his hat. What you think about that?"

"Just like everything you hold faith in these days, that is completely false. OOKLA is NOT too sexy for his hat. He is, however, too sexy for his Digital Pet, the Level 3 Boss in GRADIUS, and SAVING THROW vs. M.A.N.T.I.S."




"Dear NINTENDO POWER: I am having a tough time in my favorite NES game "THE ADVENTURES OF LOLO 3". No matter how hard I try, I just can't seem to find that RAINBOW BRIDGE! Is there an easier way to locate the Egg and the Magic Key?"

"Why Yes There Is! All you need to do is enter ALL 2's for your password. After the first two levels, the egg and magic key are waiting for you. The Rainbow Bridge awaits!"




"Sometimes I feel like a nut. Sometimes I don't. Is there something wrong with me, or is this common for people my age to experience?"

"The last time I felt like a nut, a squirrel tried to place me in his cheek pouch."




"Slither? Slop?"

"Slugs On Top."




"Why does Brother Phil only appear on 3 or 4 of your countless number of fantastic reviews?"

"Because, Franky, we don't value his opinion. Brother Phil is what we like to call a charity case. He has no friends and spends most of his time perfecting his rocket jumping skills in Quake 6. However, recently Brother Phil got a job at NASA as the Monkey Shit Cleaner and is moving up in the world. So much, in fact, that he now feels that he's better than us. He walks around the house in his suit and tie thinking he's a big man because he has an ID badge. Too bad the ID badge only allows him entrance to the SAILOR MOON FAN CLUB-HOUSE."




"What do you do when you see a crocodile?"

"Well, don't tell anyone that you got this from me, but.... YOU RUN, YOU SLIDE, YOU HIT THE BUMP AND TAKE A DIVE."




"You know, I was at Carvel yesterday and I heard a nasty rumor that MR. PAUL ate some KRAFT SHELLS & CHEESE at the same time he was sitting on the can taking a shit. Now this ain't no damn question... but bitch: that's nasty."

"DAAAAAAMN!"




"You guys are so cool, I want to meet you in person and show you my collection of Mega Man Trading Cards! Where do you live?"

"Somewhere in the 2nd Level of Kid Icarus. If you do enough research you just might find us... at which point we'll kill you and trade your Mega Man Cards for a bag full of "FIRE" sauce from Taco Bell."




"Z-Z-Z-Zips on a chimp?"

"NO WAY!"




"I often hear voices in my head telling me to do things that I otherwise wouldn't do. Should I listen to them?"

"If they tell you to send me money WESTERN UNION, paint my fence, call Satan 1-800-COLLECT (and save him up to 44%), or attach wheels to your hands and feet and roll baby roll... I say listen to them. However, in the event that they tell you "IRON HELPS US PLAY" or "LET'S FORM VOLTRON" I recommend that you consult your Periodic Table of Elements. Ask for BORON."




"Paper or Plastic?"

"Ummm... GOOD BURGER."




"How do you guys decide what horror movies to rent in the video store?"

"A legitimate question from an illegitimate child. We utilize a very scientific process when selecting films for our nefarious BAD MOVIE FESTS. First, we get feed BROTHER PHIL a steaming platter of Pork Brains in Milk Gravy. Then, we leave him unattended on the Merry-Go-Round in front of K-MART while we all get Slush Puppies and Fiddle Faddle within. After an hour or so, we take him into the video store and chase him up and down the aisles making high-pitched bunny grunts. After the merry chase has ended, we just select the videos that have the most vomit on them."




"Let's just say... for the sake of argument... that I was a gay bee. Would you still love me?"

"Now, is that a capital B or a lowercase b?"




"Were any of you ever dropped on your heads as children?"

"Yes. EL SANTO was dropped on his head as a child at WRESTLEMANIA III by MR. T and ROWDY RODDY PIPER when he tried to throw powder into MR. T's eyes and cost him the match. The vicious headdropping resulted when both T and PIPER picked him up and nailed him with the DOOMSDAY DEVICE from the top rope. EL SANTO used to be Spelling Bee Champion... but after that fateful day... his powers of spelling just haven't been the same. We tried electroshock therapy and punishing him by locking him in "THE GRAMMAR BOX" whenever he mispells his own name- but so far, nothing has worked. NOTC pack mule and unofficial "Agent to the Stars" CARROTS THE WONDER MULE was also unceremoniously dropped on her head when she tried to steal that sugar cube from ICE T at the Fair."




"True or False?"

"False"




"Yo Ice man, I'm working on this term paper for college. What's the first amendment?"

"Freedom of Speech: that's some muthafuckin' bullshit. You say the wrong thing, they'll lock yo' ass up quick. The FCC said profanity no air play, well they can suck my dick while I take a shit all day. You think I give a fuck about some silly bitch named Gore? Yo PMRC --Here we go.

War!

Yo Tipp, what's the matter? You ain't gettin no dick? You bitchin' 'bout Rock -n- Roll, that censorship is dumb bitch. The constitution says we all got the right to speak. Say what we want Tipp, your argument is weak. Censor records, tv, schoolbooks too, and who decides what's right to hear? YOU? Hey PMRC you stupid fucking assholes the sticker on the record is what makes it sell gold. Can't you see, you alcoholic idiots? The more you try to supress us the larger we get.

Freedom of Speech
Just watch what you say
Freedom of Speech
Yeah boy... just watch what you say

You have the right to remain silent.

Fuck that right. I want the right to talk. I want the right to speak. I want the right to walk, where I wanna, yell and I'm gonna, tell and rebel every time I'm on a- mircophone on the stage cold illin'. The knowledge I drop will be heard by millions. We ain't the problems, we ain't the villians: it's the suckas that deprive the truth from our children. You can't hide the fact, Jack: there's violence on the streets everyday any fool can recognize that. You try to lie and lie and say america is some muthafuckin apple pie. Yo, you gotta be high to believe that you gunna change the world by a sticker on a record sleeve. 'Cuz once you take away my right to speak everybody in the world's up shit creek.

Freedom of Speech
Just watch what you say
Freedom of Speech
You better watch what you say

Let me tell you about down south, where a muthafucka might as well not even have a mouth. Columbus Georgia said they'd lock me up if I got on the stage in my show and said "FUCK". So I thought for a minute and said 'no', I wasn't even going to do a damn show. Cuz for me to change my words from my rhymes is never gonna happen cause there's no sell-out from mine. But I vowed to get those muthafuckers one day: they even arrested Bobby Brown and Cool J. Yo, they got theirs comin' cause I'm mad and I'm gunnin' homeboys and there's no runnin'. I'm gonna tell you I how I feel about you: no bull, no lies, no slack just straight fact. Columbus Georgia you can suck my dick, you ain't nothin' but a piece of fuckin' shit on the damn map.

Freedom of Speech
Just watch what you say
Freedom of Speech
You better watch what you say

Freedom of speech. Let 'em take it from me, next they'll take it from you then whatchu gonna do? Let 'em censor books, let 'em censor art- PMRC this is where the witch hunt starts. You'll censor what we see, we read, we hear, we learn... the books will burn. You better think it out, we should be able to say anything, our lungs were meant to shout, say what we feel yell out what's real- even though it may not bring mass appeal. Your opinion is yours, my opinion is mine, if you don't like what I'm saying, FINE! But don't close it, always keep an open mind, a man who fails to listen is blind. We only got one right left in the world today let me have it or throw the constitution away.

Freedom of Speech
Just watch what you say
Freedom of Speech
You better watch what you say"




"In what type of situation would "X" get the square?"

"Shadow Stephens was always a very truthful man, and smart to boot. So if ever he was called on, rest assured, he was telling the truth. If player X did the research and knew Shadow's record, "X" would most definitly get the square. However, that's not the only way. Say, for example, Justine Bateman gets asked, "During those Family Ties days, on average, how many ties did you have sex with Michael Gross in a week?" And her response is "8 days a week." Then "X" would get the square, because every self-respecting person knows Michael Gross was gay as a flame and no one wanted to fuck him."




"There seems to be a lot of profanity on your web page, and frankly, I find it offensive. Do you gentlemen have some sort of problem with potty mouth?"

"Fuck no."




"Yo, how'd he go out?"

"HE WENT OUT LIKE A BITCH"




"TRIPPIN' or FOOLISH?"

"Ummm... GOOD BURGER."




"I enjoy wicker handicraft from time to time. Isn't that special?"

"Handicraft, eh? I'd say. Personally, I enjoy handijobs. Well, handisnax, too... especially the kind that allow me to construct my own personal lunchtime fajita. Mmm Mmm!"




"Is that your final answer?"

"Bitch."