ARCHIVED RUMORS: JANUARY 1999



"Match Metal To Man, The Machine Wins."



Got Some News, Rumors, Or Scoops For Doctor Octagon?


Within these hallowed vaults lies a whole lot of worthless horror movie rumors, scoops, and two point titty conversions. Intrepid scholars of filth and perversion can expect to find tons of information on some of the coming year's fat horror projects, including: FREDDY vs. JASON, ROE vs. WADE, HELLRAISER V, and RESIDENT EVIL. Of course, you just came here for the free soft serve ice cream and dessert buffet... so get your ass in line! DOCTOR OCTAGON's RUMOR MILL OF HORROR: Where Children Under 12 Eat ME!






FREDDY vs JASON: MILLENNIUM MASSACRE

January 30th, 1999


For all you skeptics out there who bitched about this project never happening: EAT A DICK. However, for the rest of you hoot nanny hothouse goatfucks out there who have been looking forward to this ridiculous horror flick almost as much as your first excursion down Mammory Lane, REJOICE! Word round the campfire is that the upcoming FREDDY vs. JASON project has been given the tentative title FREDDY vs. JASON: MILLENNIUM MASSACRE! Filming starts as early as next week (first week in February) at an undisclosed location, and the script is known to integrate major characters from *BOTH* long lived series together in one huge fucking victim pile. TOMMY JARVIS, the little bald Cory Feldman character who picks up the fucking axe and butchers Jason old-school style, is said to be prominently featured in FREDDY vs. JASON. Other information is unknown at this point- but you canrest assured that the NOTC Sinja Clan Sexecution Squad are hard at work digging up some dirt on this king titan of the shit heap!




FRIDAY THE 13th After FREDDY VS. JASON?

January 30th, 1999


Rumors are running rampant throughout the sin-stained pussy palaces of Hollywood about KANE HODDER (the man behind the mask himself in the last few Fridays) signing with New Line Cinema to do yet another FRIDAY THE 13th movie *after* the notorious FREDDY vs. JASON: MILLENNIUM MASSACRE project that will hit theaters this year! What this means exactly about the outcome of FREDDY vs. JASON is unknown... but you can bet your honky ass that Jason wouldn't be in a fucking sequel if he was destroyed! Now before you start doing the dirty bird in your Lando Calrissian Deluxe Jammy Jams- understand that this is pure speculation and might not mean shit.... but who gives a fuck? It sounds good to all of us! YIE-AR KUNG FU, BYATCH!




New HELLRAISER Project Gets Green Light

January 30th, 1999


PINHEAD's Home Away From Hell, Dimension Films, has announced that Doug Aarniokoski (the assistant director behind THE FACULTY and FROM DUSK TIL DAWN) will be the man behind the cameras of the latest incarnation of the HELLRAISER series. The film, which will be scripted by Michael Lent is set to go before cameras sometimes in 1999. Now byatch, don't be askin us about the plot to this crap just yet. Nobody knows but Jesus, and he ain't sayin' SHIT!




HITCHER II: THE QUICKENING

January 30th, 1999


Remember that old school 1986 Rutger Hauer movie THE HITCHER where he played that cross-country serial killer that had a body count only slightly smaller that the fucking Tet Offensive? Well, unhappy with being stuck in his Craftmatic Adjustable Bed with nothing more that Captain Morgan and a lively foot fetish to keep him company: Rutger Hauer's old ass is back for more. That's right: in a surprise move, Hollywood big shits Steve White, Sherry Singer, and Fred Haber announced that GERALD DiPEGO (the man behind PHENOMENON???) will be working on the serial killing spree this year. Now exactly when (and if) the fuck this bizarre rumor comes true is beyond us. And probably just as well... cuz if that shit ever did come out, we'd have to rent the original and review it, too!




Weird CHILDREN OF THE DEAD News

January 30th, 1999


A while back, the Kingdom of Eternal Ass Funk was going buck wild with rumors about a film called CHILDREN OF THE DEAD. Touted as being GEORGE ROMERO's last installment of his incredible "DEAD" series, those rumors were soon proved wrong by fatty bear shit scare Romero himself. Well, the public was devastated....at least the three or four art house fags who held stock in that rumor anyway. However, it has recently come to the attention of the NOTC Flavor Squads that CHILDREN OF THE DEAD is *indeed* going to me made! It's not a ROMERO-epic... but it will be a fat ass zombie film. JOHN RUSSO (the man behind the jazzed up NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD: SPECIAL EDITION) is scripting and directing the flick CHILDREN OF THE DEAD. The premise for CHILDREN OF THE DEAD is pretty sketchy at this point, but is rumored to deal with the hideous offspring that spring forth from women who were bitten by zombies during the ZOMBIE HOLOCAUST depicted in all the great dead films. Sounds kinda fucked up to us too... but oh well, it is about cannibal corpses: so we're all for it!




Stink On Shit: The Sad Truth About ISLAND OF THE DEAD

January 27th, 1999


For quite a while now, mysterious legends have been circulating around Waffle House about a horror project titled "ISLAND OF THE DEAD", needless to say- rumors instantly began to crop up about this flick being the next super bad zombie flick to rock the snot out of your gremlin ass. Well, we had the opportunity to ambush a "Hollywood Insider" on his way to the can last night at a high-powered steakhouse / titty bar deep within enemy territory. After administering the holy moly smack down upon his worthless candy ass with a pair of pliers and a blowtorch... we finally got him to talk about ISLAND OF THE DEAD.

The film, which had been lounging in development hell for over a year, has been recently picked up by a big studio and is slated to enter production in the coming months. Here's the plotline: For some time now, the city of New York has been burying its unclaimed dead upon a small island off the coast of Manhattan: turning it into a gigantic cemetary. Burying these corpses are a group of unlucky prisoners shipped in for the task from nearby federal institutions. It just so happens that upon one such journey, the prisoners (and a young female detective) are stranded on the island overnight with no way to return to safety. guess what happens...

Zombie attack? Hell no. Killer Fly Attack. Yes, dammit. KILLER FLIES. Computer generated, killer flies. Even worse, these killer flies are possessed by the souls of the evil persons buried upon the island. What the fuck? It was a setting that could have been so perfect.... but leave it to HOLLYWOOD to fuck it all up beyond repair. Think of this as a public service announcement that will save you all the future embarassment of actually anticipating this two star hertie gertie douche fest.




DUSK TIL DAWN SEQUEL RELEASES SOON!

January 26th, 1999


On March 12th, 1999 prepare to stop your grinnin' and drop your linen, because HELL COMES TO FROGTOWN: THE ANIMATED SERIES debuts on BET. Of course, it just so happens that FROM DUSK TIL DAWN 2: TEXAS BLOOD MONEY will be releasing straight to video (and laserdisc) that very same day. But what the fuck is up with that, you ask? Ahem. The storyline of TEXAS BLOOD MONEY picks up with the infamous Gecko brothers' partners in crime coming to Mexico in search of the blueprints to a bank they had planned to rob with Seth and Ritchie. Apparently, while searching for this shit- they stumble upon the satanic TITTY TWISTER bar and yes... a pack of horny vampires. Carnage, mayhem, and big Mexican titty boxing ensue.
As for the cast: yes, BRUCE CAMPBELL (of EVIL DEAD fame) *is* in it.... but his part isn't going to be all that large (hell, he's not even on the poster credits). Other big names? Uhhh... how about Tiffani-Amber Thiessen, that little girl who played Rudy on the Cosby Show? Or how about Robert Patrick, who played Montgomery Butterbean in THE CARE BEARS SAVE PASSOVER? With made-for-TV production values and scripting (Rodriguez and Tarantino had essentially NOTHING to do with this, so don't shit yourself) word round the campfire is that TEXAS BLOOD MONEY isn't going to come close to living up to its predecessor legend. However, rest assured that NOTC will snag the first copy that rockets out of Jupiter's asshole and mercilessly review the fucker as soon as we can... so watch for it!

Oh, and to give your poor dog a bone, we thought we'd show you the poster for TEXAS BLOOD MONEY:




Talk to the Hand

January 26th, 1999


With the satanic teenage holocaust pic IDLE HANDS set to debut on the big screen in a few months, we thought that some of you out there might appreciate the fact that we beat up a movie theater employee, stole his promotional IDLE HANDS poster, and then wiped our kinkajou's ass with his bowtie. For those of you unfamiliar withthe concept of IDLE HANDS, it concerns an angst-ridden teenage loser who just happens to have his right hand possessed by SATAN. All manner of crazy shit ensues as the hand struggles to dominate the poor teen's life. Remember EVIL DEAD 2 when Ash's hand went bad and started fucking him up? Well, expect those same kind of hootie poo shithouse antics to surface in IDLE HANDS. Its being billed as a horror/comedy- but with a solid "R" rating and plenty of gore work: it might turn out to be pretty damn funny. Kind of like that time you flipped the switch and let the ass drop at the Cake Walk. Oh, and here's your damn poster, ingrate:




Hamburglar Set To Direct MUNCHIES

January 26th, 1999


Oh yes, MUNCHIE. How could we ever forget that little Mexican gremlin's great space coaster ride to the top of the charts with his instant classic MUNCHIE... or how about the second coming of the Mexicalli Ass Gnome MUNCHIE STRIKES BACK? Oh hell yes. MUNCHIE 3:16 says I just crossed your boarder. But see, contrary to popular belief the upcoming turd fest MUNCHIES has *nothing* to do with little Mexican gremlins. Aside from the fact that the upcoming film has a cast entirely made up of midgets from Venezuela with snaggly pusses and the powers of telekinetic flight: no relation exists. However, MUNCHIES (which is actually about a group of anorexic high school bitches who acquire a taste for human flesh while away at a diet clinic) *will* be directed by the same faggoto maximo who gave us URBAN LEGEND, Jamie Blanks. (Ass) MUNCHIES is set to go in front of the cameras as early as April of this year- so a late 1999 release in definitely in the realm of possibility. Of course, so is a hostile takeover of Care-a-lot by the Cyborg Nipple Tweaker Alliance. Oh... and here's a poster for the upcoming MUNCHIES:


Ummm...No, You Didn't Just See This.




The SLASHER Continues To Devolve

January 16th, 1999


Just when my day was beginningto get a little brighter, the chronic hedgehog MARQUIS De SADE had to come along and take a fat radioactive shit in my eggs. His latest mission behind enemy wives brought him into contact with this stuttering pussy fart of a horror project. It's called "SLASHER", and it sounds pretty fucking tired as far as I'm concerned. Still- you make up your own mind, you roach. On with the show:

"That's it! I can't take it anymore!!! Scream hit theaters, re-awakened the Hollywood machine into making more Horror films, but JESUS! Do we need this many teeny-bopper/Dawson Creek/Watered-down rip-offs? Mostfilms just ripped-off the premise, steering away from Supernatural Monsters and dealing with serial killers, but this new movie Slasher copies directly from the premise of Scream. Small town, school is losing students to mysterious deaths, movies are involved. SHIT! Seriously, on Halloween a college girl disappears, a killer sends letters to the police claiming responsibility and calling himself the Slasher. Girl's friends try to find killer, become the hunted. how it relates to movies I have no idea, but it is suppose to. I think if you like that sort of shit, rent Scream, Scream 2, or wait for the Scream 3 sequel which looks as though it will never come. It stars Marisol Nichols, who was in Can't Hardly Wait and Scream 2. But, since this is still in pre-production don't look for it anytime soon, or maybe, they'll get the idea, and not put it out at all!"


Sleepy Hollow vs. The Whopper

January 16th, 1999


Fresh off his whirlwind NASCAR tour, the illustrated MARQUIS De SADE has decided to grace us with his unmistakably warped (Christmas) presence. This time around- he's dug up some info on Tim Burton's latest neo-goth turd fest: SLEEPY HOLLOW. It's a flick that will most definitely NOT show up on our FLICK LIST- but since it's technically horror related: you should take a look! Now without further ado, I bring you the Marquis royal bitchin':

"Ok, ok...it may not be the Scariest Horror movie on the block. But, shit, neither was 'I Still know' but we all went to see that. And thisone boasts a terrific cast with Tim Burton at the helm. So, why bring it up? Cause it's Tim Burton you dumb fucks? The man who makes the Macabre funny. You can gaurentee that this re-telling of the Washington Irving classic will be more frightening then that bullshit cartoon in front of Mickey's Christmas Carol. Who's in it, Master De Sade? Well, we have the young with Casper Van Dien and Christina Ricci, then we have the old Johnny Depp and Miranda Richardson. We have Emporer Palpatine himself Ian McDiarmid and Michael Gough (Alfred the Butler) through in Jeffery Jones and Lisa Marie, two Burton favorites and we have a funcast. But, is the all, Master De Sade? Fuck NO! We forgot the Headless Horseman himself, Christopher Walken. This man can scary the shit out of you smoking a cigarette. Now through in the fact that it is written by the writer of Se7en and 8mm, Andrew Kevin Walker? ThisSummer we may just lose our heads."



GEORGE ROMERO ON RESIDENT EVIL!

January 9th, 1999


A few choice nuggets have risen to the surface of the NOTC fun commode concerning George Romero's latest horror incarnation: RESIDENT EVIL. It's not much in the way of an in-depth report, but when the brand new Electronic Gaming Monthly comes out in about a week they'll have a full length interview with Romero about this big ass project. Still, just to spoil your appetite, here's some shit we dug up on RESIDENT EVIL. Enjoy!

George Romero has disclosed to the media that RESIDENT EVIL will be filmed as a "balls out" horror film (much like his earlier DAWN OF THE DEAD and DAY OF THE DEAD) but will be cut down to receive an "R" rating for its theatrical release. This has lead many to believe that a kick ass unrated DRIECTOR'S CUT of RESIDENT EVIL will be making its way to DVD and VIDEO eventually.

CAPCOM (the video game company that developed RESIDENT EVIL for the playstation) has gone through several scripts for the film that they have been decidedly unhappy with. As a result Romero himself will be writing AND directing the film himself!

As far as the special effects for the film go, it is unknown who will be in charge of the project. Although rumors have been flying about a possible reunion between George Romero and long time zombie master Tom Savini, it seems highly unlikely. Atthe time of the EGM interview, Romero had not been in contact with Savini (although he said we wouldn't mind working with him "for old time's sake") or his people. Tom Savini, as you may know, is hard at work developing his own strange brew of movies these days. He is currently working on VAMPIRATES, with CHUPACABRA and NINJAMAN both in the works.

Sadly, George Romero has also officially admitted that he has NO PLANS to make the widly rumored sequel to the "DEAD" series: TWILIGHT OF THE DEAD. Sorry kids. Looks like all those sleeping pills may come in handy after all.




The Plot Surfaces For The Incurable VIRUS

January 9th, 1999


Remember that strange movie trailer you saw in front of STEPMOM? You know, the one with the two retarded teenagers who fall in love despite protective headgear? Well fuck that weak shit. Today we're laying the smackdown about the upcoming latest monster movie to plop out of Universal's big candy ass: a flick called VIRUS.

For those of you nappy assholes out there who have been using WEBtv to look up porno on the big-screen instead of doing your damn English homework, here's the plot synopsis of VIRUS: A mutating alien lifeform of electrical origin (?) streaks through space and zaps the fuck out of the orbiting MIR space station. After frying the Russian cosmonauts like the godless heathens that they are: the electrical entity follows a transmission signal aimed at MIR back to its source: a Russian communications vessel at sea. The entity then invades the high tech research vessel, wipes out the crew and makes itself at home while the ship drifts into a nearby typhoon. Once the drifting hulk reaches the eye of the storm, it is discovered by a severely damaged tugboat who is seeking shelter there. In danger of sinking, and receiving no response from the Russian vessel- the crew of the tug boards it as a "derlict adrift at sea" so they can claim it for their own upon returning to port and cash in on big $$$ for salvage. What they don't understand is that the alien intelligence on board the Russian research craft has defined mankind as a kind of "virus" that must be completely wiped out if Earth is to be inhabited by its own race. This alien has gone so far as to utilize high-tech machinery as well as the remains of human corpses to "build" an army of hellishly nasty fighting machines to repel the human intruders onboard. Can the small crew of the tug defeat this hideous alien entity before it reaches the mainland and infects the rest of the world? Who the fuck knows? But if there are enough AK-47s and scenes of terrorized sailors getting disemboweled by biomechanical cybermen- we'll sure as shit give it a shot!

VIRUS, starring Jamie Lee Curtis, William Baldwin, and Donald Sutherland opens in theaters everywhere on Friday, January 15th. NOTC will be there on THURSDAY, JANUARY 14th to see this bad bitch before you do. Expect a full length review to surface on opening day! We're not expecting much from this one, despite the fact that it reminds us of DEEP RISING in a lot of good ways... so keep your tentacles crossed!




What the fuck is this thing?




A Cut Above The Breast: The Lowdown On TX25

January 9th, 1999


It's no secret that a TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE SEQUEL / RE-MAKE has been in the works for quite some time. For those of you who had no idea this fucker was even a blip on the Positronic Dance Remix-A-Tron, you should hang your cat in shame. The new TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE, which goes by the name TX25, will be chopping its way into theaters either by late summer or fall of 1999. The story is suposedly an updated version of the truly macabre original that stone cold stunned audiences across the country 25 years ago with its depictions of cannibalism and freakish, redneck deviants. TX25 will be trying to bring the tale of Leatherface to the SCREAM loving teeny boppers of today with a bunch of Dawson's Creek style actors and actresses and some overly-hip dialogue. Our bet is that it'll be a fucking disgrace considering that no one has the balls to capture the true nature of the original in Hollywood anymore. Still, Tobe Hooper (the man behind the original) has been signed on to the project. His capacity is unknown however, so he might be the Director... or maybe just Best Boy Grip. Keep your fingers crossed, you assholes. This could be bad.




Hairy CARRIE 2 Is Set To Blow This March

January 5th, 1999


Like this fucker needed to be made. Well, for all you loyal acolytes of the Cult of the Bloody Tampon, the sequel to the telekinetic PMS freakshow CARRIE will seem a blessing.... but for everyone else, THE RAGE: CARRIE 2 seems like an excruciating experiment in vaginal discomfort. The flick's release date has been announced as March 12th, 1999 and even as we speak, trailers for this one have started seeping into local theaters. The film stars Ami Irving, Emily Bergl, and Jason London. Robert Mandel and Matt Shea co-direct this doo doo ass fest. Still, for those of you out there who pretend to give a damn about this jizz, here's an image of the poster for THE RAGE:



"Thank You Tae Bo!"




STRANGE SEQUEL RUMORS ABOUND IN 1999

January 4th, 1999


Ever since MR. PAUL has been having sex with that octopus we gave him for Christmas, he's been receiving some strange transmissions from beyond (besides a musky jet of ink on the chin). Besides learning the secret of Martian Cunt Chum and the secret location of CRAMFEST '99- intrepid Creep MR. PAUL learned of some really bizarre horror sequels supposedly in the works. As with all things derived from sloppy invertebrate sex, these rumors are not to be trusted... however, they make for some really interesting reading- so enjoy!

The *production* of the following films were supposedly announced sometime in 1998: SON OF CHUCKY (Child's Play 5), TREMORS 3: THE AQUATIC SPECIES, FROM DUSK TIL DAWN 2: TEXAS BLOOD MONEY (starring BRUCE CAMPBELL!), HALLOWEEN 8, I SKNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER 3, ALLIGATOR 3: ALLIGATROPOLIS (???), a "true" sequel to AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON, SCREAM 3 (without Neve Campbell!), FREDDY vs. JASON, SPAWN 2, HELLRAISER 5, TX25 (Texas Chainsaw Massacre 5?), SALVATION (The Crow 3), a straight-to-video CANDYMAN 3, ALONG CAME A SPIDER (Kiss The Girls 2), EXORCIST 4, AMITYVILLE 2000 (Amityville 9), and a yet untitled third installment of TALES FROM THE CRYPT. Sadly, there was no news on a sequel to the much loved ANDRE. However, there will be a sequel to THE STEPMOM. It's called THE STEPSHOW, and KId 'n' Play are supposedly in it to win it.




KILLER NERD 3: ANAL INVADER

January 4th, 1999


For all of you twisted psycho sluts who actually enjoyed KILLER NERD and its racing stripe sequel BRIDE OF KILLER NERD- you need to have your fucking heads examined. However, you'll probably be happy as hell to learn that filming just wrapped on ANOTHER sequel to this legend of the godforsaken anal wasteland: KILLER NERD 3. Filmed right outside Streetsboro, Ohio- KILLER NERD 3 is sure to infest your local Video Slaughterhouse sometime this year. No details concerning the plot for KILLER NERD 3 are known at this time because, hey- who gives a shit? A special California Cunt Roach Shout Out goes out to our sinister secret agent PROFESSOR LOBOTOMITE who, among other things, had sex with Killer Nerd's real life mom to bring this nugget of joy to the horror going public! Thanks Professor!




DOC OCK WOULD LIKE TO THANK




ATTENTION CITIZENS OF EARTH:

Although we take measures to ensure the stories we post here on NotC are as accurate as possible, it is important that you understand the movie business (the horror film business, in particular) is unpredictable as hell- and what may apparently be set in stone one day may completely fall through the next. So don't blame us if you tell all your friends something you read on the NotC Rumor Mill and they laugh at you because it isn't exactly true. Night of the Creeps or its Staff Memebers can not be held accountable for your ass if it gets kicked as a result of Doctor Octagon's Rumor Mill Page. In addition, aforementioned Staff Members can not be held accountable for the Olympic Park Bombing, leaving the toilet seat up, or leaving the cake out in the rain. Night of the Creeps is, in no way, associated with the Artist Formerly Known as Prince or Rodan. We are, however, associated with Mecha-King Ghidorah and we reserve the exclusive right to open up a can of mecha-whoop ass on you if you don't get on the phone right now and call your mama. Power to the Nation and the Booty Space Station. All rights reserved. Patent Pending.