JANUARY: 2000



"He Who Laughs Last Kills First"



It's the dawning of the 21st century and ain't a damn thing changed. Hell, you haven't even changed your draws since the 1900s. And here you thought that by now we'd have Martian Moon Colonies and Spacemobiles. Well fuck you, fuck me, and fuck your Jeep Grand Cherokee. The NOTC Rumor Mill is still in full effect... so help yourself to some content.




APOLLO THE 13TH

January 26th, 2000


Listen up, you pudhungry mandroid buttfuckers from Mars.... for I have located some more dirt on JASON X: APOLLO THE 13th. It seems that HAIRY KNOWLES of AINT IT COOL NEWS stumbled upon some interested JASON news while scanning in JEAN GREY's naked pictures for his XXX-MEN FANTASY RPG F.A.Q. Apparently, KNOWLES (hey, when you're that big baby... you're always in all caps) got wind from a lowly schmuck who claims to have read the full script of JASON X. The covert operative had this to say about the new "Jason In Space" flick:

"The movie opens to find him shackled Hannibal Lecter-style in a maximum-security area. Like in the 9th, the police know about Jason. They know he's impossible to kill. They know he can't be stopped. And so they come up with the only solution possible: make him someone else's problem. He is cryogenically frozen and not rediscovered for another 500 years. Before they get to do so, he creates some havoc, and a girl from our time is frozen with him. To sum up the rest, an archeology class does the rediscovering and loads the two popsicles onto their ship on their way back to Earth 2. They thaw, and the rest of the film plays like Alien, with Jason recast as the Alien. Cool deaths, change of weaponry, and plenty of horny college students screwing. The film rips off a whole bunch of other movies, but it all works; it's just a hell of a lot of fun. And there are a few things that happen that I won't spoil because they truly do kick ass."

Feel free to draw your own conclusions. Me? I'm gonna draw a picture of CRIMSON DYNAMO dirty dancing with MODOK.


R.I.P. EVIL DEAD 4

January 24th, 2000


OK, can we please shut the fuck up now about this goddamn EVIL DEAD 4 rumor? You cockhungry fanboy faggots have been riding BRUCE CAMPBELL's ass for the better part of a decade about this possible project... and well, it looks like you finally got what you deserved all along. Now peep this: In a recent interview with FRIGHT X magazine (a subscription to which will put hair on your girlfriend's nipples), BRUCE CAMPBELL spoke candidly about all this EVIL DEAD 4 business. He stated that he's actually pretty fucking tired of being harassed by everyone about doing another sequel. He stated that he really doesn't care about the EVIL DEAD series anymore. He also said that there's no way in hell EVIL DEAD 4 could be made... even if he *was* interested- seeing how EVIL DEAD 3: ARMY OF DARKNESS ate shit and died at the box office. However, Campbell said that if McHALE's NAVY 2: THE QUICKENING ever got the green light- he'd be all up on that bitch like Webster on welfare. If McHALE's NAVY 2 got the red light... well, he'd gently apply the brake pedal and bring his vehicle to a complete stop.


MPAA BITCHSMACKS AMERICAN PSYCHO

January 21st, 2000


Chances are you've already seen the previews for Mary Harron's serial-killer flick AMERICAN PSYCHO in theaters. The film, based on the highly controversial book by Brett Easton Ellis, is set to premiere at the Sundance Film Festival in just a few short days... and then move on to a nationwide release in April. Well, the dreaded MPAA has managed to sink its tit-hungry claws into the film- and they've nailed it with an NC-17 rating. That translates into financial suicide at the box office, kids. AMERICAN PSYCHO's team is desperately trying to get the film down to an "R" rating ... but the MPAA's big problem isn't the buckets of gore or the excruciatingly brutal on-screen murders. Rather, they're taking issue with a particular sex scene in which the title character (played by Christian Bale) is tagging two prostitues. Director Harron defends the necessity of the shot by saying: "The scene is not about sex, but about sex as a transaction- so we made it deliberately banal and distant...his (Bateman) expression sums up his frighteningly detached relationship to the world around him." NOTC alumni EL SANTO defended the necessity of the sex scene by saying: "Two ho's, one dick: I call that Double Trouble. Now let EL SANTO at 'em... I'll pop that pussy bubble."

Seeing as how he hasn't paid his phone bill, EL SANTO could not be reached for further comment. However, general consensus indicates that the phrase "pop that pussy bubble" is pretty fucking disgusting.


CUT!

January 19th, 2000


Long ago, NOTC hinted to this horror project from Australia... and now, it looks like it's ready for mass consumption (or ricketts). CUT, starring Molly Ringworm...er, RingWALD... and Kylie Minogue is set to be released in Australia on March 2nd. It's international release date will be sometime later in 2000, possibly in the early summer. CUT isn't straying far from its 80s monsters-of-rock roots: it focuses on a group of college students who are being murdered one-by-one in a variety of gruesome ways by an unseen killer as they try to film their own horror movie. The flick is being written and produced by Bill "Let Off Some Steam" Bennett, and there's a good chance that it will suck mightily upon its theatrical debut.


JASON IN SPACE: FRIDAY THE 13th PART XXX

January 19th, 2000


For those of you who attended the FANGORIA Convention last weekend.... I pity you. I really do. That's pretty pathetic shit, really. Now did you bring enough Italian vampire lesbian porn for everyone?

Of all the guests who attended said convention, one stood out above all others... that chick dressed up like Buffy who could juggle ping-pong balls with her snatch. However, Hollywood hack-o-matic pussy pal SEAN S. CUNNINGHAM was also in attendance... and he had some interesting words to say about the inevitable return of Crystl Lake's Hunka Hunka Burnin' Love: Comrade Jay-Z Voorhees.

According to Cunningham, the rumors about JASON X are indeed true. It will take place in the far flung future... and most of the killing will take place aboard a spaceship or space station. The plot synopsis is as follows:

400 years in the future the earth lies desolate. Alien explorers arrive on Earth. As they go below the surface looking for life, they stumble upon a series of tunnels that lead to an underground facility. There they find 2 cryogenically preserved species (1 female and 1 hulking mass). They cannot be prepared for the evil they are about to release.

Cunningham went on to say that the new Friday will feature over 250 digital special effects, and that Ice Cube will not be up in this bitch. According to Cunningham, pre-production has already begun and shooting should start in Canada sometime next month. He said that the studio is hoping for a Friday, October 13th, 2000 release date.

The Directors' Guild of Canada (Ontario) does indeed have JASON X listed on their work schedule. It's shooting dates are listed as Feb. 28th - April 30th, Noel Cunningham is listed as the producer, and the unknown JIM ISAACS is said to be in the director's chair.

And just a couple of last words on this subject before I make like a Poo C and split.... long time F13 vet KANE HODDER is *definitely* attached to the JASON X project as the lead character. That word is bond. Also, although long-rumored to be a part of the project, FX mogul TOM SAVINI will have absolutely nothing to do with JASON X.

And finally... those rumors about there being a CYBORG JASON in the movie? They're true.


CHERRY FALLS

January 16th, 2000


The director of one of our all-time favourite flicks: ROMPER STOMPER, the dishonourable Geoffrey Wright, is getting ready to unleash his own take on the dead teenager genre. His flick is called CHERRY FALLS, and chances are you've already heard all about this shit... if not, prepare to have your cherry popped.

According to wack Bavarian Industrialists on the 89 Tip, "CHERRY FALLS is about a quiet all-American town rocked by a depraved killings. It will tell the story of a knife-wiering serial killer who is stalking and killing teenagers that are still virgins at Cherry Falls High School and how the town deals with that person once they find out who it is."

Rumors have been circulating about the big finale of the flick where terrified students organize a massive orgy in order to protect themselves from the "Virgin Killer" by losing all their virginities simultaneously. I'm being prefectly serious. Fucking to survive. It's hard to argue with a pick-up line like that.

Talent for the flick is pretty much of the small-name/big-titty variety. A tentative release date has been set for JUNE 9th, 2000. Look for it!


ALL UP IN THIS BITCH

January 10th, 2000


Though it's only January 10th- Clive (bastard son of Bob) Barker has been all over the news this Willenium. First, he got his picture in the paper for bitchsmacking Tom Jones ass in PIG PONG. Then, he got on the cover of JET when he bitchsmacked SIR-MIX-A-LOT for not being man enough to leggo yon eggo. Then there was that time he showed up in WEEKLY WORLD NEWS having freaky ding-dong anal ho-sex with that Haitian dog-faced girl who has an I.Q. of 200 and speaks with animals. Butt that's beside the point. These days, when he's not tearing up the club with his thugz, (c)LIVE BARKER is sure to be up to no good when it comes to horror movie bidness. Here are just a few projects he's working on:

BOOKS OF BLOOD--- Clive Barker's old school horror anthology is apparently getting the (Battle) Royale treatment, courtesy of GODS & MONSTERS director Bill Condon. The film will cover three of Barker's earliest short stories in a "CREEPSHOW" type wrap-around story. The three tales to be depicted are: "Pig Blood Blues", "Human Remains", and "Dread". Although it is speculated that Clive Barker will executive produce BOOKS OF BLOOD, no further details on the film's release date (or on-screen talent) are currently known.

AMERICAN HORROR--- BARKER's next gig as a director will be yet another horror anthology picture entitled AMERICAN HORROR. Very little is known about this secretive New Line project aside from the fact that it is a period-horror piece a la RAVENOUS: focusing on the American frontier circa the 1800s. Word round the campfire is that beans make you fart like a sonofabitch. Word round NOTC is two-fold: 1.) This thing will be out sometime in Fall of 2000 and 2.) Xena: Warrior Princess has a studded aluminum clit.

NIGHTBREED--- A post-Hellraiser horror flick that came out to little fanfare back in the late 20th century... largely because compared to HELLBOUND: HELLRAISER II, it sucked (WWF) Raw sewage out of Vince McMahon's asshole. Well, Clive Barker recently announced that there are plans in the works to release NIGHTBREED with an additional 25 minutes of footage deleted by U.S. censors prior to its original theatrical release. Hopefully, the addition of the extra footage will push NIGHTBREED up there into the NC-17 / Too Hot For TV category... making it a horror flick worthy of revisiting.

HELLRAISER / HELLBOUND COMMENTARY--- Also on the DVD tip (as opposed to the reservoir one), CLIVE BARKER has reportedly agreed to do audio commentary for the new ANCHOR BAY DVD's of both HELLRAISER and HELLBOUND: HELLRAISER II. He has also been quoted as saying "Anner Nicole Smiff has some maddy fat titties, yo. Boo-digga-yaw, I'd tear that king kong pussy up." Unfortunately, WWW.THUG.COM was unavailable for comment.


WAIR BLITCH 2 + 3 = DIDDY KONG 64

January 10th, 2000


Although that headline means absolutely jack shit... the following article has a little interesting info for ya: particularly if you're the kind of snot-nosed analog faggot who thinks that anything besides the original BLAIR WITCH PROJECT will be worth a damn. Word to the turd: I done stole this article from 3 different sources (GOREZONE, USA TODAY, and DARK HORIZONS) and 2 different strokes (Arnold and Willis).

"USA Today has not only confirmed that report but revealed some further details about the two new 'Blair' flicks. The sequel will be shot before the prequel, they'll be budgeted at $7 million and $10 million respectively, and neither will have the jerky camera style of the original which induced some patrons to vomit in cinemas. The filmmakers are currently scouting locations in Maryland to shoot the films, with award-winning documentarian Joe Berlinger ("Paradise Lost: The Child Murders at Robin Hood Hills") helming the sequel due out Fall 2000. The prequel, due out Summer 2001, "will go back to the early days of the (Blair Witch) mythology to the late 18th century and lead up to where we left off" says Artisian president Amir Malin."



EVER HEAR OF THE MOVIE 'FINAL DESTINATION'?

January 9th, 2000


Me neither. But here's the poster for that shit. It comes out on March 17th, 2000.



Hate the living. Fuck the dead.




DOC OCK WOULD LIKE TO SHANK




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