ARCHIVED RUMORS: JULY 1999



"The Greatest Myth Is That Old People No Longer Have Sex"



July had it's limp Gungun ass soundly whipped by the titanic newshogs of the genre like THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT and... well, SCREAM 3. Of course, we also found out that there will be another DEAD NEXT DOOR flick, another HALLOWEEN flick (for better or for worse), and that a cat won't land on its feet if you tie its legs together before you drop it. In any case, enjoy the fucking archive- you filth pygmy.






Burkittsville, Maryland Swamped By "Witch" Fans

July 22nd, 1999


O.K. small story, hardly newsworthy... but I found it pretty fucking cool nonetheless. It seems that the small rural town of Burkittsville, Maryland (made famous by the pseudo-documentary THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT) has been getting a steady stream of "pilgrims" since the movie released in selected cities on July 16th. The die-hard "Witch" fans have been responsible for countless acts of petty vandalism: including stealing that big "Welcome To Burkittsville" sign featured prominently in the film. Visitations to the local cemetary have exploded over the past week- prompting the Frederick County authorities to dispatch additional law enforcement personnel to the region. Evidence that unknown groups have been making secret visits to the cemetary under the cover of darkness (leaving candles upon certain headstones) have lead locals to believe that bogus "rituals" might be performed there by outsiders.

NEWS ARTICLE: "WHICH WITCH?" FREDERICK NEWS POST July 22nd, 1999


New Work For The Blair Witch Kids

July 21st, 1999


Lumber! Lumber! Lumberjacks, HOOOOOO! Sword of Osmands, HOOOOO! Donny Osmand, HOOOOOO! Cheetara naked on a bean bag chair watching Pokemon.... HOOOOO! Young crew responsoble for THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT getting snatched up in 2-year FOX television deal..... Hoooooo shit.

And all this time you thought they were above this? As if they didn't have bills to pay? Mouths to feed? Burgeoning cocaine habits to sustain? Hell. You knew better. You just didn't want the sopping wet 12" rubber dildo of reality to smash you across the face just yet. You wanted to think that they were champions of the genre, that they would never sell-out. Well, your highness: the rumors are true. All of them. Especially that one about my penis being made of 18k gold and havingthe ability to grant three wishes.

AHEM. Daniel Myrick, Eduardo Sanchez, Mike Monello, Robin Cowie, and Gregg Hale (the creative minds behind THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT) has signed an exclusive 2-year deal with 20th Century Fox Television & Regency TV to develop television series for the studios. One of the projects currently being toyed with is... and I quote... "a younger, hipper X-FILES."

Anybody else disappointed? Fuck this tidal wave of "younger, hipper" entertainment in the ass with a orthopedic cowboy boot. It's insulting to everyone- even me. And that's saying an awful lot considering I get on all fours and bark like a dog for macaroni. The creators of THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT actually stumbled upon something: a genuinely thought-provoking film... a rarity in the horror genre these days. Now, to see them settle for a decidedly mediocre TV contract... well, it makes my fucking balls ache- like gonorrhea, only with commercial breaks.


Romero Back In The Saddle With BRUISER

July 14th, 1999


It's Bastille Day... and what have you done to celebrate French Independence? No bitch, that biggie fry you got from Wendy's doesn't count for shit. Nor does that FROSTY frozen treat. See.... your lack of celebratory verve only proves the absence of couth in your bloodline. You scarcely deserve to have your dog kicked by the holy boot of the Creep Nation, let alone be given the esteemed honor of reading this lame-ass excuse for a news story. However, in the name of all things batter dipped, we will give you the opportunity to savor our wood-roasted flavor. So read on, peasant:

George Romero. If you don't recognize the name by now- you really should contemplate suicide. It's the kind of name that should make your balls ache. Just like Candy Canteloupes or Jugsy Teetopolis. Anyway, Screamin' Mad George recently announced that he no longer had ANYTHING to do with Capcom's upcoming RESIDENT EVIL project. This lead to a lot of speculation as to what the codgety old bastard would pick up next. Many sources indicated that he would be cooperating with THE MATRIX's Wachowski brothers to create the cannibal pic "CARNIVORE". Apparently that's all a load of shit- as production of Romero's own film entitled "BRUISER" starts this week.

The premise of BRUISER goes a little something like this: A successful businessman executive wakes up one day to find that his face completely gone. Now, with his newfound anonymity, he embarks on a one-man mission of vengeance: settling the score with every single fucker who wronged him in the past. Sounds promising.... even with a measley $5 million dolalr budget. Peter Stormare, Leslie Hope, and Nina Garbinas (along with Candy Canteloupe and Trixie McPudmuffin) star. Look for BRUISER to rise from the depths of production hell sometime later this year.


SCREAM 3 Casting Rumors Confirmed/Denied

July 9th, 1999


While the SCREAM series is easily one of the most over-hyped horror series of recent memories: the entire staff of NIGHT OF THE CREEPS will bow in homage of their awesome propaganda machine. Countless rumors fly out of the sin-stained syphilitic assholes of the people behind SCREAM before every one of their films. This year's "SC3AM" (fuck that title in the ass with a 10 foot riveted I-beam) is no different. Countless names have been tossed around by practically everybody, hinting at involvement with the project. Compiled below is a list of individuals who have been linked to (or are otherwise confirmed) SCREAM 3. Enjoy it, you stinky bastards.

  • NEVE CAMPBELL, COURTNEY COX, DAVID ARQUETTE-- All SCREAM alumni. They're all in the motherfucker. Confirmed.
  • PARKER POSEY-- Indie film star. She's in this shit, too. Confirmed.
  • MY HUGE PENIS-- Was approached for a role in the film... but scared off studio execs when it flared its cyclopean nostril and roared like a meaty beast.
  • JAMIE KENNEDY ("Randy" in the previous films)-- Rumored to have been contacted by Wes Craven on numerous occassions. A cameo role remains a possibility.
  • DENISE RICHARDS (the hot chick from "STARSHIP TROOPERS" & "WILD THINGS")-- Rumored to have attended some script readings, but not affiliated with the project at this time.
  • ETHAN ERICKSON-- Some fag from "JAWBREAKER". He's signed.
  • KATE HUDSON-- From "200 CIGARETTEs". Word on the street is that this pig-pig-piggity has been signed. Soo-Weet!
  • "STONE COLD" STEVE AUSTIN-- WWF Superstar & Steroid Redneck Badass. Several sources have confirmed his role in SCREAM 3: he'll be playing a sheriff!
  • REY MYSTERIO JR.-- WCW Superstar. He will be cleaning my swimming pool.
  • "STONE COLD" HEATHER GRAHAM-- Rollergirl. Big breastesses. She's adamantly refused all offers to show up in a cameo role a la Drew Barrymore.
  • CLAIRE DANES-- Smaller breastesses. Was reportedly spotted at a cast & crew meeting on Wednesday.
  • "CORKY" FROM "LIFE GOES ON"-- Down syndrome superstar. He will be dropping some freestyle raps on the soundtrack.



  • DEAD NEXT DOOR: DEAD FUTURE

    July 8th, 1999


    Anybody out there remember the obscure shot-on-video zombie classic DEAD NEXT DOOR? Most likely the answer is no, which is a fucking shame... because it's actually a pretty slick tale of anti-zombie law enforcement agents wiping out scores of the undead. Sure, it runs like DAWN OF THE DEAD on welfare: but well worth a cheap rental nonetheless.

    Anyway- here's the deal: DEAD NEXT DOOR director J.R. Bookwalter (in conjunction with SURBURBAN TEMPE ENTERTAINMENT) has announced plans to shoot a sequel to the cult classic entitled DEAD FUTURE. We caught up with an anonymous Tempe Entertainment representative as they were fishing through a dumpster in search of dinner. At first they were a bit hesitant about divulging any info on the project. Then we bought him a cheeseburger and he spilled it.

    "Well, the screenplay is finally done (written by Dennis Petersen from a story by Petersen and J.R. Bookwalter) and now we're shopping it around. We've had a few bites from some major indie companies but Mr. Bookwalter really wants to find the best deal possible for this one. All we can say is it picks up a few years after the original, there are no characters returning from the original, and there are some GREAT gore gags! Look for some of the new digital technology to be applied to mass zombie scenes, etc. The script is the best thing that passed through our mangy fingers, so here's hoping it gets going!"

    Without a doubt, this independent splatter flick will release straight-to-video. Be sure to check back with NOTC for further developments, but not before you bring that 20 bucks you owe us, you fuck!


    SELECT THEATERS TO SCREEN
    THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT

    July 7th, 1999


    By now EVERYONE has heard about THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT, and how much ass it is supposedly going to kick when it creeps into theaters on JULY 23rd. However, what fewer people know is that there will be special preview screenings of THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT all across the country the week before (JULY 16th). Well thanks to the power of the Unwashed Testicle, NIGHT OF THE CREEPS has uncovered a comprehensive list of the theaters across the United States that will host THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT on July 16th. So make plans to see this shit NOW. All the hype surrounding the flick might make scoring tickets difficult.


    CLICK HERE FOR THE THEATER LIST




    The Ultimate Elm Street Experience

    July 2nd, 1999


    Word up, mother bitches! Now normally the good doctor could care less about all this fancy-schmancy DVD shit... seeing as how he's still making payments on his special DIVX-only model from CIRCUIT CITY. However, when the pugnacious pimp yeti OOKLA THE MOK awoke from hibernation with this story about the upcoming NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET COLLECTION... it flipped my fucking lid. All you Freddy fans out there had better grip your nuggets... because this collection looks absolutely amazing. OOKLA De La MOK, take it away!

    New Line: The full details came in today for what is shaping up to be a really, really cool set, for the A Nightmare On Elm Street Collection. Due 9/7 for $129.95, the set celebrates the 15th anniversary of the original, and contains all seven Nightmare films, as well as an 8th disc, the Nightmare Encyclopedia. Also in a first, this is the first DVD in 3D, or more appropriately, "3D Freddyvision". Two pairs of 3D glasses are included for the final segments of Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare, which are presented in 3D.

    There are some way-cool features, so get ready Krueger fans:

    THE LABYRINTH - navigation system used to unlock all the special features in "a maze of original, full-motion interactive environments" including a first for DVD, the "Nightmare Index" of all the disc contents

    WELCOME TO PRIMETIME: A History of the Series - full-length original documentary exploring the series. Includes interviews with the directors of all the films, fan testimonials, behind-the-scenes footage and footage of Freddy as an MTV guest VJ.

    DREAM WORLD TRIVIA - interactive DVD-ROM game on each disc. Only after winning each game on each disc, will the password be given to access the final game on the 8th Encyclopedia disc (kinda cool, eh?)

    AUDIO COMMENTARY by Wes Craven, John Saxon, Heather Langenkamp and DP Jacques Haikin on the first Nightmare, and a solo commentary by Wes Craven on New Nightmare.

    Extensive STILL GALLERY with rare and never-before-seen photos

    Several MUSIC VIDEOS, including Dokken's Dream Warriors (come on everybody, sing it!)

    36 PAGE BOOKLET including introduction from New Line president Bob Shaye (about time someone did this for a box set!)

    The ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY for A Nightmare on Elm Street (DVD-ROM only)

    Exclusive Freddy "Episode" from Toggle This (never heard of them, to be honest) which contains an interactive story that users can play, and has multiple endings. Also includes Freddy animated icons that interact with your desktop!

    All seven NIGHTMARE TRAILERS, cast & crew bios and production notes

    Links to new Freddy web site premiering later this summer, where users can post their Freddy trivia game scores, IMDB links, and more.

    Note that the first Nightmare film is also available separately, and includes the commentary, DVD-ROm features including the script, trivia game and web links, and the trialers and production notes. Retail for the single disc is $24.95.


    More Vomit On SCREAM 3

    July 2nd, 1999


    The vast amount of information being spread across the internet on SCREAM 3 has been likened by many to the effect of a fat shit hitting the surface of a kiddie pool full of mutant sea bass. Exactly what the fuck this means is beyond all of us... but on one of our many nocturnal forays into the girls' locker room we uncovered this SCREAM-related story penned by none other than NOTC's favorite French Connection ARC-VILE (master of the incredible, edible GOREZONE news service). We thought you might like to take a look at it. You'd better, dammit.

    Indie queen Parker Posey is set to join Williamson and Craven's SCREAM 3. Gearing up for a December release, production is slated to kick off this month, with Kevin Williamson returning to pen and Wes Craven slated to direct this third in the 'Ghostface' trilogy! The premise? Sydney Prescott, survivor of the first two films finds herself in Hollywood, pursuing her career as an actress, although it would appear that the land of sun and palm trees isn't enough to dissuade the specter of a certain masked killer! How much 'scream'-time will Campbell have? Well, according to the actress "...I will probably only do about three weeks for it. We're not real sure where else the character can go, I mean, she has been through so much." If there is any truth to this statement, it would appear that her character will not be as pivotal to the plot as hoped. Additional returning cast members include David Arquette (Dewey) and Courtney Cox as Gail Weathers, now a wealthy individual who assists Sydney by procuring her an assistant position for a very 'bitchy' actress (Posey's role perhaps?) In keeping with the previous film's self-referential humour, expect the script to take a stab at Hollywood this time out!


    Also worthy of mention is the fact that many sources have reported that SCREAM director WES CRAVEN has been in close contact with actor JAMIE KENNEDY. Jamie was the guy who played RANDY, one of the most beloved of SCREAM's pantheon of characters. Wether or not Kennedy will be in the final installment of the SCREAM franchise is unknown at this time... but given the fact thatthis will bea strange sequel/prequel style of film: it's definitely conceivable that he could be written in. Remember, kids: this is just a rumor... but a pretty damn cool one. It especially made NOTC staffer EL SANTO happy: considering he's carrying Jamie Kennedy's love-child.


    URBAN(E) LEGEND 2

    July 2nd, 1999


    Remember how your balls ached when I mentioned URBAN LEGEND 2: THE QUICKENING last month? Remember how the very mention of the studios packaging it as a "taut, psychological thriller" made you feel sick to your stomach? Remember how your stupid ass grabbed a dictionary and looked up "taut"? Well... the good Doctor is here to warn you that URBAN LEGEND 2 is slated to hit theaters in Fall 2000. It's a long way away, so hopefully I'll be married to Diamond, Zap, and Lace and be living in Utah by then- and not have to worry about this skank shit ruining my night at the movies.


    HALLOWEEN: OCHO

    July 2nd, 1999


    According to the butt-hungry Shaolin warthog stain removers over at the excellent HalloweenMovies.com (which I am too fucking lazy to link to at the moment, shank you very much), the Hollywoodian Empire has decided that the time is ripe for yet another HALLOWEEN SEQUEL. Yes, you heard me right: 14".... I mean, A HALLOWEEN SEQUEL. The producers, which are still rumored to be in the conceptual stages, have been considering a whole new storyline that DOES NOT INVOLVE MICHAEL MYERS. The story for HALLOWEEN 8 would theoretically stand on its own as a seperate story- much like the ill-fated HALLOWEEN 3: SEASON OF THE BITCH. Apparently, the fact that Michael Myers was VIOLENTLY DECAPITATED WITH AN AXE at the end of H20 played a small part in this decision.

    Are you outraged at the thought of another non-Myers HALLOWEEN hitting the big screen? Do you get violently ill at the idea of HALLOWEEN 3: SEASON OF THE WITCH happening all over again? Have you ever been in a Turkish prison? Well, if you answered YES to any of the previous questions: you owe it to yourself to go visit www.halloweenmovies.com. They have set up a viewer feedback form which will be forwarded to the producers of the HALLOWEEN franchise. As it stands, this is the only way that horror fans can speak out about the blasphemy about to engulf their beloved series once again. So, quityerbitchin, you puke-stained owlbear: get your ass over there and speak out on this embarassment! If everyone remains silent, then we forfeit our right to say DICK about the film when it finally gets made in the proposed fashion. Get proactive, you twat!






    DOC OCK WOULD LIKE TO SHANK




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