ARCHIVED RUMORS: JUNE 1999



"Blame Canada"



Like flies drawn to a choleric shit pile, the pock-marked rumor drones of Club NOTC have been swarming over the constant stream of horror rumors this month. Some surprising nuggets have turned up in June, most notibly the fact that George Romero has been given the official axe by Capcom. Looks like he will have ABSOLUTELY NO affiliation with their upcoming RESIDENT EVIL project. Also, we debunked that persistent EVIL DEAD 4 rumor that was floating around the internet like a phucking phart phantom. All this, and Andy Rooney... when we come back!








The (de)EVOLUTION of URBAN LEGEND 2

June 24th, 1999


Gutterfuck of chaos, hear my savage cry: this movie is going to suck the phlegm out of a chinchilla's fuzzy asshole. When the phrase "psychological thriller" takes the place of "slasher", it's the horror fans that get the old boot in the scrotum. Anyway, wondering what I'm so pissed off about? Well, besides that angry hornet in my pants? Well here you go:

Phoenix Pictures film editor and composer John Ottman is slated to make his directorial debut with the upcoming sequel to URBAN LEGEND. The sequel is being described by the studio as (and I quote, you hoary bitch) "stand-alone movie that revolves around urban legends" and "a young person's Hitchcockian thriller instead of a slasher". No actors have signed on to the project, which is thought to begin production by the end of 1999.

Not that the original was anything too goddamned splendid to begin with... but to make a "sequel" THAT'S IN A DIFFERENT FUCKING GENRE than the original and has nothing to do with the events of the first movie is just pathetic. What the fuck is the use of the title URBAN LEGEND 2 if it's an unrelated "stand-alone movie"? Fuck you, sir. I think I'll spend $6.00 to get the calf shit licked off my combat boot by a gaggle of hungry Sri Lankan street orphans. Watch for this garbage to be expunged from the skank celluloid asshole of Hollywood, U.S.A. sometime next year... and consider yourself warned.


Special DVD Edition of ARMY OF DARKNESS

June 24th, 1999


A special Kwangtung Megazord shout out goes out to our French Foreign Lesion member ARCVILE (the mastermind behind the excellent GOREZONE website) for this story.... enjoy:

Anchor Bay is creating a special edition of ARMY OF DARKNESS for the DVD format. Although no exact streetdate has been determined, Anchor Bay informed us that work on the release has finally begun - and here are some frightful facts for this upcoming release! The ARMY OF DARKNESS Collector's Edition will contain both cuts of the film on one disc, completely THX certified. The disc will also contain the film's alternate ending and other supplements. Currently plans are to put "Within the Woods", the short film that lead to the creation of the original EVIL DEAD on the release as well. The disc will also contain numerous commentary tracks, one with Bruce Campbell, one with the special effects gurus from KNB and hopefully one with director Sam Raimi - Anchor Bay are still negotiating that one.


Kevin Williamson To Hand Over
Writing Duties On SCREAM 3

June 16th, 1999


KEVIN WILLIAMSON, the kung pao squiddly dildodecahaedron responsible for the scripts of SCREAM, SCREAM 2, and the DEF TEMPTATION OF CHRIST has recently announced to the Marvel Universe that he WILL NOT be penning the script for the upcoming horror sequel SCREAM 3. Williamson claims that his hellish schedule (which involves crafting scripts for ARLINGTON ROAD, TEACHING MRS. TINGLE, the Ben Affleck turd biscuit REINDEER GAMES, and a slew of TV production gigs) will prevent him from writing the script. However, he has crafted a 30 page outline of his ideas for the script, which sources indicate will be used as a guide for an yet-unnamed writer to go by.

This is just the latest setback that has plagued the production of the long-anticipated installment of the SCREAM franchise. Without a functioning script, filming has already been delayed until July (well behind schedule). NEVE CAMPBELL & COURTNEY COX have both expressed serious concern about the delay in filming, seeing as how it will conflict with their commitment to their respective television programs. The film is still slated for a DECEMBER 16th, 1999 release.... and you can bet your ass that the studio will rush this flick into theaters as fast as possible. With the popularity of the "new wave" of teen slashers rapidly crumbling... the Hollywood types are looking to cash this fucking cow in while they still can. Any other SCREAM reports will definitely be filtered down to all you bottom feeders through the appropriate NOTC channels, so beware.


When Monkeys Fly Out Of My Ass:
The Bullshit Behind All These Fucking EVIL DEAD 4 Rumors

June 16th, 1999


Sure, it's been a couple of weeks since these EVIL DEAD 4 rumors started flying around the fucking internet... Many a fanboy soiled his dandy plaid pantaloons when this tasty nugget of celestial ass filth came down the pipe. Countless slaphappy nimrod buttfucks did backflips & pranced when they heard that BRUCE CAMPBELL HIMSELF announced the sequel at a recent screening of the entire EVIL DEAD trilogy. Now, after a long wait: it is time to help dispel this shit once and for all.

To be fair, a large part of the rumors are true. BRUCE CAMPBELL *DID* host a special back-to-back-to-back screening of EVIL DEAD, EVIL DEAD II: DEAD BY DAWN, and EVIL DEAD 3: ARMY OF DARKNESS on June 4th at the Alamo Drafthouse in Austin, Texas. Before the projector started rolling, he got up in front of the audience and (being the supreme nilla pimp that he is) talked a little shit with them. At one point during the jive-talkin session... he hushed the audience and said: "I want to make an announcement. There will be an Evil Dead 4!" The crowd, predictably, shit themselves. Standing ovation, cheers, chants, and all that good shit. Bruce sat up there for like 5 minutes... just basking in the waves of fanboy jizzum... letting them act like total hoo-dee-doo simps, when he added, and I quote:

"When monkeys fly out of my ass!"

He played it for laughs, kids. Merely toying with his legions of slavishly devoted fans like the excrement they are. If I was in his position, I'd do the same thing... but afterwards I'd pull down my trousers and heave hot gobbets of baby batter from my swollen log of uncircumcised lovebeef upon the audience below. And you know what? They'd love it. No, fuck that. They'd eat it. No offense to the legions of Campbell-worshippers out there: for this guy truly is an icon of the horror universe... but to bludgeon the poor bastard to death with calls for an EVIL DEAD reprisal is just fucking retarded. As it stands, EVIL DEAD is one of the most perfect horror series in existence- and something every pathetic horror gimp like us can look to as a bastion of the genre. Why run the risk of tarnishing it's image with a sequel that doesn't need to be made? The EVIL DEAD series is over- and it was a hell of a fucking trip. I say thank God they finally got one right- and knew when to leave good enough alone.

Now if you don't believe a fucking word I'm saying (which is a sure sign that you haven't been sniffing that butane like I told you to) you can head on over to the internet lard-lair of one Harry S. Knowles: the triple-chinned slab of wall-eyed ass-beef who operates AINT-IT-COOL-NEWS. (www.aint-it-cool-news.com to be exact... and no, you'll get no link from us, you lazy fuck). Harry Spice was actually there at the Drafthouse in his concrete reinforced throne to take in the shows, interview with Bruce himself, and pull bagels out from beneath his copious mammae on which to snack. He's got a full length story on the evening, ripe with nauseating details... so if you're a glutton for punishment, and feel the urge to gain 20 pounds simply from reading a fucking review: look no further. Harry's your man. Now if you'll excuse me... I'm going to go eat a baby.


I Know What You're Not Doing This Summer, BITCH

June 16th, 1999


Low and behold, after all these years... the flagship tit goddess of the latest tidal wave of teen-slahfests JENNIFER LOVE-TE... er HEWITT, will be bowing out of the horror scene. It was revealed to ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY (when they held aloft their magic sword and talked some shit about Castle Greyskull and Teela's tight mo-mo ass) that Columbia Pictures will NOT be continuing the "I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER" franchise any further. Citing a slump in the popularity of the horror genre in general, Columbia honcho Amy Pascal admitted that:

"I think (that audience) is very fickle... the studios got very cynical about 'Oh, they love teen horror' and they put too many out. I think we've played out this teen horror thing. You can't say 'Here's a genre, exploit it'."

So, wether you loved the "I STILL KNOW" flicks or thought they were an abomination unto the universe as we know it (much like breast reduction surgery)... take this to heart: the antics of JULIE JAMES and her hook-handed freakshow stalker are no more.


SKULLfucked

June 11th, 1999


Hear Ye Hear Ye... Be it knowne thet after a hearty and moste ripe shite, the honourable MARQUIS De SADE did forgete to flushe. Now, you maye marvel at the foulness that hath seeped from his pagan arse.

'Tis True, true believers...Dawson's 'special' friend Josh Jackson has agreed to star in a Horror film named simply 'The Skulls'. The Mighty Duckling plays an Ivy league college boy trying to fit in. A secret society called 'The Skulls' decides to take him in. He thinks it will help him get into a prestigious law school. (They must want into Katie Holmes pants) Wackiness ensues when Jackson's room-mate kills himself, but Josh suspects foul play. Now he must out-think a group of idiots who call themselves 'The Skulls', or die. HELLO??? What's with the baby Firm here? Who the fuck sent me this and called it horror? Who the fuck calls themselves 'The Skulls'? Probably the same assholes who call themselves the Trenchcoat mafia after the fact. And how in the Hell would a group called 'The Skulls' help anyone get into law school. Aiming at a 2000 release date, Rob Cohen (Director of Dragon and Dragonheart) directs this bad-boy, which plans on filming in Toronto. My Canadien bretheren...you know what you must do... That is all.


BLAIR WITCH PROJECT
Secret Theaters Revealed!!!

June 5th, 1999


O.K., this nugget of pagan ass filth is actually pretty fucking cool (as opposed to the vast majority of horror news in Doc Oct's vaginal vault: which is simply a bit brisk). Our psychic brethren in the KGB have uncovered a list of the 20-odd theaters in the U.S. that will be showing a special SNEAK PREVIEW of the highly-anticipated movie THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT on Friday July 16th, 1999. Mainstream release of the film will be on July 30th, but it won't be as widespread as say SCREAM 3 or I KNOW WHO YOU DID LAST SUMMER... so you've got to be on your toes if you want to find it. Simply click on our link below to find out if TBWP is screening at a theater near you!


CLICK HERE FOR THE THEATER LIST




PINATA MASSACRE

June 5th, 1999


You know, there are a lot of things that I'd love to beat with a stick: like that three-legged dog that lives down the street and pisses in the sandbox... or that nappy-headed bastard Torrey Sanders (who broke the thumbs of my Cobra Commander when I refused to give him my tater tots in 1st grade)... or Gargamel. Anyway, it looks like the horror-movie industry has got something they'd like to beat with a stick besides LEPRECHAUN: it's the tweaked-out flick called PINATA.

True to its name, this flick deals with the horros that surround a Pinata that should have never been beaten. It's an evil pinata... one that was used by an ancient Central American tribe to imprison a dark spirit. But when a group of college students unwittingly open the pinata during a raucous fraternity/sorority scavenger hunt: ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE. The ancient spirit of evil wreaks havoc upon the group: killing, maiming, and generally jamming on the mic.

Sound fucking retarded? Guess what? It's true. All of it. Especially that part about me having a 14" cock made of gold. Stuff this stupid just can't be made up: not even by the all-star cast here at NOTC. This movie (the brainchild of co-writers/directors David and Scott Hildebrand) will theoretically star Nicholas "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" Brendon, Nate Richet, Garrett Wang, and Diddy Kong. However, as it stands (leaning slightly to the left) no major studio has picked up the project. Let's all keep our gonads crossed, though. A movie this retarded simply has to be made... especially if it tries to be serious. If it tries to play that comedic IDLE HANDS bullshit, it can suck my golden cock whilst I play the lute. Either way- rest assured that NOTC will keep you covered on all the latest PINATA related news... stories.... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!


BLADE 2

June 5th, 1999


DAVID S. GOYER, pimpmaster supreme of the pussyphonic age, recently revealed to the DETROIT NEWS COMIC BOOK CONTINUUM that the next installment of the shockingly badass BLADE series will (hopefully) start shooting in October 1999 or January 2000. At this point, the producers haven't been able to find a director to do the honors that they've been content with. I offered to make my directorial debut with BLADE 2 and shake that wack shit up, but they just laughed at me & called security. The bastards. However, Comrade Goyer did reveal in a top secret anal-communique to leaders of the French Resistance that they had a number of mystery directors lined up to do the duty- and that one will be decided upon by the end of the month. So keep your eyes glued to NOTC in the coming weeks and we'll keep yo ass posted.


GEORGE ROMERO FIRED FROM RESIDENT EVIL

June 1st, 1999


Fuck. We all feared that this day would come. It was just too good to be true. GEORGE ROMERO to direct another kick-ass zombie flick? Sure, it had a video game license (albeit a pretty cool one)... but come on: ROMERO ZOMBIES ON A FLESH-EATING CANNIBAL RAMPAGE! How could any hardcore horror fan not be apprehensive about seeing that? Oh well... take all those hopes and aspirations you had for the RESIDENT EVIL movie and jam them up Tupac's rotten asshole. Check this out.

CAPCOM Producer Yoshiki Okamoto revealed in an interview with ELECTRONIC GAMING MONTHLY that the horror master was no longer involved with the project. When EGM asked about Romero being dropped from the project, Okamoto said:

"His script wasn't good, so Romero was fired. However, we know the movie is going to be out there someday. There is a scenario coming, but there's no script yet. People are trying to get the script done, but we have to be careful because it has to fit the Resident Evil feel".

Well shit. What else can we say? We all feared this... especially when Romero put "RE" on the back burner to work on the upcoming cannibal movie "CARNIVORE" with the Wachowski Brothers later this year. Looks like it's back to the drawing board for this concept... and while it may very well make it into theaters at some point, you can bet your ass it's going to suffer from Romero's lack of involvment. Hell, don't expect Resident Evil to appear on screen ANYTIME in the forseeable future. A 2000 release seems completely dubious at this point... and after that, will anyone still give a rat's ass? Let's all keep our privates crossed.... but the future looks bleak for RESIDENT EVIL, and its legions of bloodthirsty fans.


CANDYMAN 3 TO DEBUT ON HBO

June 1st, 1999


For those of you out there who were wondering whether or not the rumored CANDYMAN sequel would be worth a flaming swedish goatfuck... here's your answer. CANDYMAN 3: DAY OF THE DEAD will be debuting on HBO on July 9th, 1999. So set your VCR's.... to self destruct. No theatrical release, no direct-to-video jive, just straight to fucking HBO. Hmmmm. Didn't Van Damme try this same kind of bullshit with LEGIONNAIRE? Or was it KNOCK OFF? Seriously, why in the hell anyone would try to subtitle this suspicious turd burglar DAY OF THE DEAD is beyond us. Of course, why anyone would wear pants to the school dance is beyond us... so don't pay us any fuckin' mind. We honestly pity those of you out there who consider yourselves true CANDYMAN fans... for this sequel is going to suck the clots out of a dead man's dick. Just like FROM DUSK TIL DAWN 2 managed to spit on its fiendishly devoted fanbase, this one is gonna be a fucking embarassment- so beware.


TILLY TO RETURN IN SEED OF CHUCKY

June 1st, 1999


Yes yes yes.... you can roll up your slavering 14" tongue and put back in that fucking beefcan you call a skull. Jennifer Tilly recently revealed to the TORONTO SUN (they can read in Canada?) that she will indeed be returning to the big screen with a host of violent latex dolls that cuss, drink, and fuck like there's no tomorrow. Her vocal talents will be joining Brad Douriff's on CHILD'S PLAY 5: SEED OF CHUCKY, which begins filming in Toronto this fall. But check this out: in addition to doing some vocal work on the film.... Tilly will be returning in the (ample titted) flesh to play..... JENNIFER TILLY? Exactly. She will be making a special appearance in the film as well... herself. Tilly revealed to the Sun in an under-the-table interview that:

"I play Jennifer Tilly... but I said that I'd only do it if they made me this outrageous Diva bitch from hell."

Just how the fuck they're going to work her into the movie is unknown at this point... but rumors about the sequel taking place in Hollywood have been circulating for sometime now. Look for Jennifer Tilly, or rather two very important parts of Jennifer Tilly, to appear in SEED OF CHUCKY sometime next year. Until then, keep your anus glued to NOTC, and we'll keep you informed!




DOC OCK WOULD LIKE TO SHANK




ATTENTION CITIZENS OF EARTH:

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