NOVEMBER 1999



"Do Not Attempt To Think Or Depression May Occur"



It's a good thing that there are only five stories in this month's rumor mill... because any more hype intensity might cause your left nut (the analog one) to jiggle uncontrollably. I would apologize for the lack of newsworthy material on the November rumor mill, but you're a punk bitch with a wall-eyed tit- and therefore you are unworthy of chicken and stovetop.






MULTIPLE PHANTASM

November 18th, 1999


Listen up, you constipated nerds: for the magical French toilet gnome ARC-VILE (webmaster of the excellent GOREZONE) has come up with a McNugget of joy concerning the venereal PHANTASM series. According to A to the R to the C to the fucking V, there is a web based movement to get a fifth installment of the film made. The project is entitled PHANTASM 2012 A.D., and with out further scooby ado- we shall now rock your prostate with my scintillating metallic fist. Here's the gospel according to ARC-VILE concerning the plot of PHANTASM Y2K + 6x2:

"It's been years since Reggie last fought The Tall Man, and things have changed in a big way. Little by little over the years, The Tall Man has decimated the countryside, turning towns into tombs. No longer content with that, he has made his move upon America's cities, and like a demented game of connect the dots, has slowly taken over a large portion of the US. This area is now the walled in plague zone, which lies between the new east and west coastes - New York and California."

"The Tall Mans dwarf-crunching operation has always been a messy process, and now the thousands-per day proccessing operation has spawned a plague: the bag plague - yellow blood with a contagious virus. Come in contact with the yellow blood, and you're a goner. The victims - baggers - live their un-lives in the zone, forever carrying the deadly contamination."

"By taking over such a large portion of city and country, The Tall Man is no longer a creature operating from the shadows, unknown to the world. Everything sure is getting noticed now. Fugitives can even trade in their lives to enter the flyover zone and fend for themselves. Jail was never more attractive."

"Mike is trapped within the zone in the Mormon Mausoleum - a huge, sprawling industrial mortuary where The Tall Man resides and builds his army to greater numbers. But another army - the US Army, send in a team of troops to take him down. Not knowing the extent and mystery of The Tall Man and his minions, they need help, fast. Help comes in the form of Reggie, who has penetrated the zone to go for Mike. Reggie and the team hook up, and they bust down the Mormon Mausoleum, eventually ending up in the red planet, where revelations and final battles lie."


If you want to learn more about this p-nutty shit, take a gander (yes, I said gander goddammit) at this here xxx-tra hype website.


SCREAM 33 1/3

November 12th, 1999


If you piss on the graves of the Trenchcoat Mafia for no other reason: give a those bastards a liter straight from the peter for ass-raping the horror industry. Ever since their blood-spattered subhumanoid meltdown took place at Columbine, it seems that many studios have simply lost the stomach for hardcore gore and mayhem. Terrified of raising another generation of morally destitute mass murderers, the studio execs have shied away from most decent horror movie prospects- choosing subtle, low-key projects that hold no hypnotic sway over the youth of America: like POKEMON. Well goddammit, if you were clutching to the futile hope that SCREAM 3 was going to fly into theaters early 2000 and fix all your horror movie woes: please allow me to defecate on your tuffet.

Some of you already know that a trailer for SCR3AM was yanked from theaters at the last second just a few short weeks ago. This week, SCR3AM's production studio MIRAMAX released the following statement to the (mixed) media at an all-you-can-eat Pancake Bonzanza concerning the withdrawl:

"The SCREAM 3 trailer was not released because the makers thought it was too similar to the last two, and because Scream 3 isn't really a slasher film and more of a pyschological thriller, they wanted to rework the trailer to make it less jump/scare and more eerie and intense."



S(H)IT DOWN BESIDES HER

November 11th, 1999


Studio hype will tout ALONG CAME A SPIDER as "the long awaited sequel to the smash hit KISS THE GIRLS". Some jack ass will call it a "tour de force". Personally, I will call it a "tour de France" and make it armwrestle Jigglypuff for the right to stomach my spiced ejaculate. Anywizzay- the fact is that KISS THE GIRLS stunk like locker room assfuck. Well... now, because "the fans demanded it", a full-fledged prequel is in the works. I hope you're happy, you turd. The film should begin production sometime in January or February of 2000.

Dubbed ALONG CAME A SPIDER (because SAT ON A TUFFET was already taken), the film will focus on the earlier criminal exploits of the original's serial-killer. Morgan Freeman will be reprising his role as Doctor Alex Cross: a criminal psychologist obsessed will bringing the killer to justice. Sadly, James Earl Jones will not be reprising his role as the voice of the Magic Taco. The actress to play the female lead is currently being negotiated: both Winona Ryder and Angelina Jolie have expressed interest in the part. Brittany Spears has also expressed interest in the part: that is to say, my part. My private part. Here's hoping she gets it.


DRACULA2K

November 5th, 1999


First we had DEATH RACE 2000. Then BLUES BROTHERS 2000. Then MAMA'S FAMILY 2000. Now we've got shit like HALLOWEEN: H2K, Oliver Stone's JF2K, and Children Television Workshop's tour de muppetomic force A-B-C-D-E-F-G-H-I-J-2K. Do we really need any more handicap-ass millenium movies? For that matter, do we really need any more handicap-asses? It's hard enough to get a goddamn parking space as it is. Oh well... hell. It looks like another movie franchise has caught millenium (or is that saturday night?) fever. DIMENSION FILMS purchased the "Wes Craven Presents" banner about a year ago with the intention of releasing a series of unrelated horror films into theaters, not unlike the TALES FROM THE CRYPT movies. Anyway, after a bit of (his)panic around the studio, long-time Wes Craven editor PATRICK LUSSIER will be heading up the first "Wes Craven Presents" film.... and it's a fucking whopper. It's DRACULA 2000, and just like its name implies.... it will suck mightily. Good thing the movie hasn't even begun filming (it starts production early next year, with a tentative October 2000 release date). No details on the DRACULA 2000 storyline have been released by the creator just yet. The only thing that has been released by the creator was that stinky ass fart during the sneak preview of LIGHT IT UP.


In The End, There Can Be Only One

November 4th, 1999


"No biting. No gouging. And in the end, there can be only one." From the moment I heard Salma Hayek's rules for anal sex, I knew I was in the presence of genius. Good thing my four foot long purple-headed pelvic python was able to tame her in OPERATION: ANAL STORM. Indeed in the end, there could be only one... and it just so happened that it was my one in her end. Too bad that the creative powers over at NEW LINE share the same singletrac theory when it comes to making FRIDAY THE 13th movies. They've decided that more than one JASON movie a season is too much. That's why there's a hotly debated secret war being waged in Hollywood these days: JASON X Vs. FREDDY Vs. JASON Vs. G Vs. E Vs. Mode. We tracked down our main man in Amsterdam, ARC VILE, last week at the Winter X Games. He's got some fat shit concerning the secret debate raging over one of horror's most outspoken champions of abstinence, the 8 foot condom-stomping bionic hellpimp JASON VOORHEES. Here's the poop scoop:

After months of rumors that a second Jason movie called JASON X was in the works, New Line has announced that development on the film has started. One can't help but wonder how this project affects the developmentally challenged FREDDY VS JASON project. According to the Hollywood Reporter, Sean Cunningham, one of the creators of the FRIDAY THE 13TH franchise, is finishing up his script for JASON X and will turn both it and a budget into New Line by the end of this week. Furthermore, the trade reports that at that time, New Line will determine which of the two potential Jason films will get the greenlight. Should his project get the go-ahead, Cunningham will produce as well. As for FREDDY VS JASON, that problem project has been in development for years with most recent word being that the current script by James Robinson is in the hands of Mark Verheiden (THE MASK), who is doing a rewrite. New Line production prez, Michael DeLuca, recently revealed to the Insider that rumors that the two characters were not meshing in the script were not true, though he did explain that the script had "a phony copycat Freddy killer" which was likely to be removed. At this time, Verheiden's pass on the script is expected to be finished by month's end. Whichever of the two projects that gets the thumbs up is expected to hit theater screens in the fourth quarter of 2000."



DOC OCK WOULD LIKE TO SHANK




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