OCTOBER: 1999



"Jump Back! 8 Track Attack!"



It's October... and time for Mr & Mrs. Fancy Pants to feel the hurricane power of NOTC's 10-hit Cold Cut Combo. This month's Rumor Mill contains all sorts of jigglin' reefer madness... courtesy of that master of the vaginal smoothie we call DOCTOR OCTAGON. We've got a ton of horror movie sequel news.... and about 6 grams of cocaine in the glove compartment. Enjoy.






MULTIPLE ENDINGS FOR FREDDY VS. JASON?

October 27th, 1999


Last weekend, DESTRO invited himself over to my house. We ordered pizza, and I was surprised to find that the Cobra Weapons Dealer was a surprisingly well-travelled villain. He told me stories of Cobra-La, France, and Englund: ROBERT ENGLUND. Apparently, Destro sold the Nightmare on Elm Street star a Glock-17 for his 38th birthday last week... and that daffy bitch shot his neighbor's dog with it. Charged with first degree NESticide, Mr. Englund was forced to plea bargain with Judge Judy in order to avoid a nasty spankin'. He divulged some incredibly sensitive information to the people's courtroom regarding FREDDY vs. JASON. Here's the lowdown on this buck-nasty hodown:

When questioned about F vs. J, Englund said this:

"Oh yeah,that film should have been out by now, but they're doing a complete rewrite because they want it to be just right before we start it. I've heard that it will have alternate endings,so different audiences will see different versions. I've been waiting to do this for a year,and it might be out for summer 2000".

When questioned about G vs. E, Englund said this:

"Fuck that noise. What ever happened to SILK STALKINGS?"

When questioned about any other film (or housing) projects on the horizon , Englund dropped the following science:

"I just finished a movie called PYTHON with Casper Van Dien and Wil Wheaton. It'll be fun, like TREMORS. I'm a expert snake handler".

Anna Nicole Smith (also a expert snake handler) was unavailable for comment.


JASON X

October 21st, 1999


Not to be confused with MALCOM X, PROFESSOR X, or WHIPLASH POOL X... American gigolo KANE HODDER has announced that he is ready to don the mask for JASON X: yet another FRIDAY film. ICE CUBE, CHRIS TUCKER, and that big swollen fucker who played D-BO (and ZEUS, and THE GANGSTA, and that guy on IMMORTAL COMBAT) were all excited until they realized that he meant FRIDAY THE 13th. Feeling dejected, the cast of FRIDAY went out and played GRAN TURISMO at they cousin's house.

But KANE HODDER was totally stoked when he made the announcement on Roanoke Virginia's WROV- 96.3 FM "Chainsaw Circus" show this morning that he will be jumping *immediately* to work on FRIDAY THE 13th: PART X, apparently dispelling the long-lived rumors that a JASON vs. FREDDY movie is on the horizon. He did mention, however, that he will be working on the "long awaited" project if it ever gets underway. JASON X will hopefully appear sometime late next year: right in time for your mama's birthday.

Of even more historical importance, however, was Hodder's admitting his "favorite kill" of the Friday the 13th series. Kane admitted that his personal favorite was in Part 7, when he got to zip up a sleeping bag and beat it against a tree with the occupant still in it. He also admitted that yes, if you were a gay bee he would still love you.


SMELLS LIKE FISH

October 21st, 1999


Finally, it looks like Courtney Love isn't the only thing in Hollywood that smells like fish. STUART GORDON, the bionic bastard-o behind the H.P. LOVECRAFT classics RE-ANIMATOR and FROM BEYOND is going to have another one of his creations unleashed upon an unsuspecting world. It seems that an old screenplay of his is being picked up by a major film studio for production. The story focuses on a sleepy New England town that harbors an embarassing secret: a 200 year old throbbing love affair with a race of hideous sex-crazed fish men known as "Deep Ones". Many horror towelettes have moistened at the prospect of the old H.P. Lovecraft stories of "DAGON" or "SHADOW OVER INNSMOUTH" being made into a feature film... and now, according to the Gordon Fisherman himself... it's going to go down sometime next year.

Little is known about the screenplay itself (which supposedly has been floating around the internet in some way, shape, or form for a few years now)... but bank on it featuring some nubile Hollywood starlets (also known as "Deep Ones") getting ass-hammered by gillman. That alone should be worth price of admission... especially if you're like us and feign mental retardation to get into the theater for half price. More on the (as of yet) unnamed Lovecraft project as we get it.


BLADE 2: THE QUICKENING

October 17th, 1999


After defeating ABSORBING MAN in issue #441 of STRANGE TALES, Marvel Comic's own power pimp all-star AVI ARAD became the head of Fisk Enterprises. He now enjoys his newfound position as leader of ALPHA FLIGHT, and marvel comic movie mogul. NOTC managed to track down Arad (with the help of office ninja ARC-VILE at GOREZONE) having a latte with CRIMSON DYNAMO on a sidewalk cafe. After dissing his bitch in public with an optic blast... we got him to spill the (bar-b-q baked) beans about BLADE 2. Here's what the fruitcake revealed to us under duress:

"We are interviewing directors, and I think we'll be able to announce something in a couple of weeks. Wesley is committed to it, and we have a great script that is ready to go. We are talking to a bunch of directors, and we go from there. But the movie is ready and the movie is a go. We have a totally amazing script by David Goyer. I know it's hard to say it, but I think we can top the first one. I think what we have is just awesome. That's why Wesley committed to it. Stars like him are nervous about sequels. Instead of nervous, he's excited. It's a big difference."

Thanks to the glory of micronized KGB listening equipment: NOTC also managed to record Avi Arad playing DUNGEONS & DRAGONS in his parents' basement with IRON MAN and HAWKEYE. Here's the transcript:

AVI ARAD:"O.K. guys I need to know about your characters. Hawkeye, you go first."

HAWKEYE :"I shall be Tunis. A half-elven fighter/magic-user from the Valley of Lankhmar. I shall be in the service of Kudon the Warrior King of Ildepont. And with my magic long sword (+1 / +3 vs. undead) I shall be a mighty force of justice in the realm."

IRON MAN:"And I will be Haddad... a coarse barbarian from the harsh steppes to the North. I will be a half-orc with 18 strength and 6 charisma. My armor class will be 2 and my boots will be furry. Evil doers will quake in fear when they see me in my Chainmail +2 and Hand Axe +1. HAH! Even aquatic villains will be no match for me, what with my RING OF WATER BREATHING."

HAWKEYE:"Hey, I want furry boots, too. "

AVI ARAD:"Roll a 1d20."

HAWKEYE: ///rolls dice///

HAWKEYE:"I got a 7."

AVI ARAD:"No, you may not have furry boots as well."

HAWKEYE:"Well fuck you then."


Pinhead Confirms HELLRAISER V

October 15th, 1999


Homeless novocaine wonder-pimp OCTOBERIZE recently submitted this fecal communique to Creep Command via HIV carrier pigeon. It confirms our sneaking suspicion that HELLRAISER V is going to be released as a fiber-filled Tunisian assfest sometime next year. Octoberize forgot the Area Code for Anna-Nicole Smith's big ass.... and instead of calling up the sultry lair of America's Favorite Sexual Gargantua, he apparently intercepted a phone call from Pinhead himself (actor Doug Bradley). Here's what the Evil One had to say about Livin In The 90s...

"Doug Bradley called the Fangoria office two weeks ago and said that he will return as Pinhead, but will hardly be in the film as the series is trying to take off in a different direction. What direction? No one knows, but with Dimension at the helm, it's most likely down."



URBAN LEGEND 2: THE QUICKENING

October 15th, 1999


Monster truck props go out to our hardcore pipe-hitting bitch ARC VILE for digging up this dirt on the upcoming Shit Haus Ass Fest known as URBAN LEGEND 2. For a while you've been hearing that it's going to deviate from the traditional "pick axe to the tit" style of horror movie mayhem in favor of the "psychological thriller" blend of pubic herbs 'n' spices. Although it's pretty difficult to tell from this "exclusive" interview wether or not director John Ottoman (Empire) is aiming for a more toned-down film than the original... the fact that he described the script as "ever morphing" means one of two things: 1.) It's morphin' time... or 2.) He is a homosexual megazord. You be the judge:

"URBAN LEGEND 2: The Asylum has let us in on a lot of details regarding the second URBAN LEGEND film currently shooting in Toronto. Seems the only character returning is Loretta Devine as security guard Reese Wilson who has been fired from her previous post and now works at Alpine University where this film is set. One very interesting comment came from Director John Ottoman in regards to how they'll be shooting the University scenes: 'We decided to not go the typical gothic university route, as it's getting tired. I wanted this film to have an entirely new look, so it will be staged at a modern university, which in it's own right offers a creepy feel with it's hard edges, rough cement walls and strange architecture. It's a very very tricky film to make because there are many interior locations, all which are supposed to be our university. But we only have enough shooting time and budget to use the exterior of the university only. All the interior scenes will be faked at multiple locations throughout Toronto and sets we have to build. You know, you have chacracters enter one exterior door and they enter an interior door three weeks later 200 miles away'. Some exterior shooting took place at an amusement park in the rain and the cast and crew got colds as a result. The script is being described as 'ever morphing' indicating continual re-writes."



SCR3AM Delayed... Surprised Byatch?

October 9th, 1999


By now all you little shitlings out there know that Jay & Silent Bob will be making a cameo appearance in SCREAM 3 (alongside my fat honky cock playing GAUNTLET 2). But, did you know that SCREAM 3, which was originally slated for a December 10th, 1999 release date has been pushed back to February of 2000.

SCR3AM director Wes Craven recently commented to a canoe full of retarded children about the film's postponement and the premature departure of horror-hackenstein Kevin Williamson from the film's writing duties. So sayeth the pimp:

"I wanted to end the 20th century with my last genre film. I would prefer to have it over and done with, but they [Dimension Films] are the marketing wizards. It was a struggle to keep the tone and the nature of Kevin's writing, but I think we pulled it off. What we reveal about the back story to SCREAM will close the whole loop."

After a few more brewskis and a lap dance from a quadruple amputee, dwarven bondage slut with a prehensile anus, Wes Craven went on to say:

"Hey.... I said Hey goddammit. Lemme tell you whash it all about, OK? That fuck...fucking cow. I told her not to wash those pants. Bitch. P-p-pants. Ever see a dwarf open a bottle of Jaegermeister with her butthole? Dude, it's awgg- gggrrllppp-awesome. Damn buddy. "

The dwarf's anus (which incidentally, will be the name of my new rock band), was unavailable for comment.


RAISE SOME HELL

October 6th, 1999


Ever get the feeling you're being watched? HELLRAISER: BLOODLINES sure didn't. It fucking sucked. Mighty morphin' spaceships and all that shit gave that installment of the once proud HELLRAISER series a one-way ticket to Chump Changeling's Pinto Ass Factory. It was theaters for about 72 hours... then ZEUS & ROXANNE preceeded to clean house at the box-office.

Anyway, America's favorite Cenobite, Dickhea... er, PINhead will be making a triumphant return to the silver screen along with his demonic underlings Butterball, Chatterteeth, Butterteeth, Chatterball, and Coathangar-Butt-Teeth-Chatter-Head-Face. DIMENSION FILMS revealed secret powers to me when I held aloft my magic sword and stole blatantly from a superior horror-new website. It seems that the studio will be filming both the fifth & sixth installments of the HELLRAISER series BACK-TO-BACK sometime early next year!!!

HELLRAISER V: INFERNO will be directed by Hollywod hackenstein Scott Derrickson and will focus on the Cenobites battling angels. Look for it to appear sometime following the Y2K apocalypse... but other than that, little is known about the 5th project. Absolutely NOTHING is known about Hellraiser Part 6.... or Leonard Part 7.

What *is* known is that a HELLRAISER V script had been floating around Hollywood for months... and it got rejected all over the fucking place. Wether this version, dubbed "INFERNO" is the notorious script or a major overhaul is unknown. Either way... HELLRAISER V smells fishy. Speaking of which, so do that girl's panties.


SCREAM IF YOU KNOW WHAT I DID LAST FRIDAY THE 13th DURING THE TEXAS CHAINSAW NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET WHILE YOU WERE WATCHING THE SLUMBER PARTY MASSACRE AT SLEEPAWAY CAMP

October 6th, 1999


Although Keenan Ivory Wayan's horror movie spoof- "Scream If You Know What I Did Last Summer" doesn't deserve to gag upon the fiber pulled from my humid anal loom, it recently underwent a series of noteworthy name changes. Instead of the sign busting homosexual title "Scream If You Know What I Did Last Summer", the producers simply changed it to "SPY HARD". It was later changed to "DEEP THROAT 2: ORAL PRESENTATION"... and then to "FEMALIEN 3: SHRIEK OF THE PENETRATED". Finally, after the MPAA demanded all scenes depicting Oranguatans performing oral sex on Tranzor Z be removed, the title was simply changed to "SCARY MOVIE". It is under this name that this hulking ebony turd will be expunged from Hollywood's magic anus. Look for it to clog your bowl on November 12th.


BATTER UP

October 4th, 1999


Face it, ever since YOUNG GUNS 2: THE QUICKENING you've had this really sick obsession with Lou Diamond Philips. You bought that 1988 issue of TEEN STEAM that had him on the cover. You even stayed up til 4:00am on Sunday night just to watch him do color-commentary on AMERICAN GLADIATORS on UPN.... and booed rather loudly when ZAP rebuked his crude sexual advances during THE HUMAN CANNONBALL event. Well, after a much needed rest following that movie where Claire Danes gets ass-raped by the Singapore police force in prison, Lou Diamond Philips is back in the habit. This time around, he and the sisters are forced to put on a gospel step-show in order to save the orphanage and....well.... wrong movie. Seriously, he's the "star" of the upcoming PG-13 horror flick BATS- which hits theaters October 22nd.

For those of you viewers out there who are FUCKING RETARDED, I shall now reveal the convoluted plot of the film.... IT'S ABOUT KILLER BATS. Goddammit, that's it. No surprise endings. No intrigue. No fucking dialogue: JUST BATS. BATS THAT FUCKING KILL. AND SCREECH. AND SWOOP AND MAIM AND INTIMIDATE. It's a lot like FROGS... or SLUGS... but well, it's BATS.



Lou Playing Dress Up.




DOC OCK WOULD LIKE TO SHANK




ATTENTION CITIZENS OF EARTH:

Although we take measures to ensure the stories we post here on NotC are as accurate as possible, it is important that you understand the movie business (the horror film business, in particular) is unpredictable as hell- and what may apparently be set in stone one day may completely fall through the next. So don't blame us if you tell all your friends something you read on the NotC Rumor Mill and they laugh at you because it isn't exactly true. Night of the Creeps or its Staff Memebers can not be held accountable for your ass if it gets kicked as a result of Doctor Octagon's Rumor Mill Page. In addition, aforementioned Staff Members can not be held accountable for the Olympic Park Bombing, leaving the toilet seat up, or leaving the cake out in the rain. Night of the Creeps is, in no way, associated with the Artist Formerly Known as Prince or Rodan. We are, however, associated with Mecha-King Ghidorah and we reserve the exclusive right to open up a can of mecha-whoop ass on you if you don't get on the phone right now and call your mama. Power to the Nation and the Booty Space Station. All rights reserved. Patent Pending.