Everytime you walk into a video store you see the Action/Adventure section, the Horror section, the Seductive/Playboy section and, of course, the Employee Picks. These are the flicks that the Movie Store Employees like the most and reccomend to the movie seeking public. Most of the time they have gay ass flicks like "Pretty in Pink" or "The Breakfast Club". But on occassion you run into one mentally challenged employee who has Friday the 13th parts 1-6 in his section. This makes us happy, and we praise Employee Jason for having such a wonderfully demented taste in films. Here at Night of the Creeps we've decided to follow in the tradtion of the local Video Hut and have picks of our very own. This gives you at home an opportunity to see what our personal favorites are when it comes to the genre. But don't take our word for it.
Evil Dead 2: Sure it's cliche. You've all seen it a hundred times. You know why? Because it's so fucking awesome. This was the first "Bad Movie" I saw, and it's what introduced me to the whole genre. The effects were great and Bruce Campbell was fucking hysterical. Not only did the violence and gore make it stand out from the rest, but the fact that it was so fucking funny. A room of furniture starts laughing at him. A gusher of blood errupts from the wall. He's got a chainsaw for a hand! These elements and this movie are taken for granted and are just understood as being some of the finest in the genre, and I think it should definitely be recognized as one of, if not, my favorite flick.
Re-Animator: Most of the time when you run into a H.P. Lovecraft story turned movie... it sucks mean goat cock. But RE-ANIMATOR and FROM BEYOND break that mold and turn out to be two very astonishing flicks. What can I say... JEFFREY COMBS is a God. His performance in RE-ANIMATOR is classic. The whole film is just one odd and twisted thing after another. The cat getting beaten to death with a baseball bat, them killing the Dean, the Dean giving his head a tour of that poor girls naked body. This is some demented and quite fabulous shit, and it needn't be over looked simply because LURKING FEAR and NECRINOMICON sucked horrifically. RE-ANIMATOR is a treat for the senses, and must be seen by Man, Woman, and Child.
Dead Alive: Hilarious gore-fest. Plain and simple. Let's run down the awesome and bizarre things that happen in this movie: A Rat Monkey, Zombies, Zombie Sex, Zombie Baby, Lawn Mower strapped to the chest, Priest who Kicks Ass for the Lord, and guts that attack people. There's more, but I want to leave a few surprises. Straight up this is one fucked up and awesome flick filled with the most gore I've ever seen jammed into one film. Don't deny yourself any longer if you haven't seen this or it'll make your mama cry.
Return of the Living Dead: When you combine hordes of brain eating zombies and renegade teens from the 1980s- you are bound to achieve greatness. RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD definitely holds true to this. Incredibly memorable scenes abound in this excellent horror flick: the screaming cadaver chase scene, the gooey tarman zombie, the midget zombie chasing the paramedic, zombie interrogation, Linnea Quigley running up those basement steps naked, and... oh yeah- nuclear holocaust. Defintely a classic in every sense of the word- and one that has been betrayed by its two sequels!!!
PIECES: Fifteen minutes into PIECES, I knew I was in heaven: heaven for guys who like big tits. An unknown chainsaw murderer stalks a college campus in search of choice female body parts. His objective? To build the perfect woman for an enchanted evening of necromance. I can't stress enough how funny this movie really is.... but peppering my commentary with the word "fuck" has always got me through in the past. This fucking flick is so fucking funny that I fucking shat my pants at the shocking (or was that fucking?) ending- which is every bit as heinous as the original SLEEPAWAY CAMP's. Never hath my ass been rocked by such a tale of ribaldry. If I was your grocer, I'd give this fucker a 20 pound ham. As it stands, I'll give it a good spanking.... my dick, that is.
Mosquito: If you want to take back the night, push it in her butt. If you want to laugh so hard that you fart blood and stain the couch: rent MOSQUITO. Seriously, of all the lame-ass "monster bug" flicks- this is the fucking king of the heap. When a UFO crash lands into a stagnant pond in the boonies... mosquitoes swollen with alien blood mutate into horrifying killing machines. What ensues is a non-stop orgy of death as the mosquitoes tear across America. It's got tons of excellent kills, not to mention a great scene where a 4 foot skeeter sticks its probe in a naked girl's ass. Simply astounding!
Return of the Living Dead: If you are looking for a beautiful example of what a bad movie should be, then you cannot go wrong with this priceless gem of zombie mayhem!! This was one of the first movies that started our bad horror movie craze as it is nearly perfect in every way!! Watching a pack of deadbeat punk rock 80s teenagers try to survive a night of zombie assault and siege from the undead is a fantasy that can be readily lived out by renting this movie!!!! (Don't lie, every one of you know that you have dreamed of being trapped in a warehouse with boarded up windows with outstretched arms reaching to grab you and...oh wait...those weren't zombies..they were lesbians....and I never tried to fight them off...oh, never mind) The zombie baseball bat to the head is SIMPLY PRICELESS and you will not believe how perfect the end of the movie is!!! RENT IT NOW....BITCH!!!!
Evil Dead 2: If you haven't seen this film, then it's time for you to climb the FUCK out of your cave and GO GET THIS MOVIE!!! PUT THE MUPPET MOVIES DOWN, SON, ITS TIME TO VENTURE INTO THE WORLD OF R RATED MOVIES....YOU DON'T HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL YOU'RE 17, DUMB ASS!!!! Seriously, if there is a perfect bad movie out there, then this is it!! I know everyone knows about it and everyone has seen it, but it still does not detract from one of the funniest films of all time!!! You will die laughing a thousand times, either from the shooting eyeball to the mouth or the fight with his own demon possessed hand!! This movie is unbelievable and you can easily watch it over and over and still get a good laugh!!! A classic!!!
Friday the 13th, Part 3: This is one of Eagle Te's personal favorites and realisticly, who could possibly argue??!!! Jason gets his mask in this one, fucks up a motorcycle gang, impales a guy while he's doing a handstand, and if thats not enough for you, THIS FUCKER WAS IN 3-D!!!! The opening credits simply blows away anything I have ever seen and will leave you speechless!! Eagle Te says, "FUCK YOU IF YOU DON"T AGREE!!!!"
Bad Taste: Good, Clean Fun. This movie kicks ass in all aspects! It has lots of gore, plenty of violence, and zombies!!! This is the movie I'd be proud enough to call mine. God bless tater boats, titties, and Bad Taste.
Night of the Creeps: Little terds go running around and kill a bunch of frat boys during a social. It combines all the aspects of a bad moive with titty, gore, and a classic plot. Plus it inspired this web page!!
A Nightmare on Elm Street part 3: Dream Warriors Well, this movie isn't that great, but it's labeled "DREAM WARRIORS". Just think about it, crazy teens dream themselves into heart pounding action heros like:
BLADE: Take a vampire, add a little kung-fu, sprinkle some black badassness, and what do you get? Me. Now, add country music legend Kris Kristofferson, and you got one good fucking movie. BLADE should be taught in those film studies classes you are taking at that community college. Notice how the cranium of victim #17 flattens against the ceiling ever so slightly as Blade's gesticular symbolism culminates in a Judd Nelson archetypal stance. What, you say? Go to class bitch. This movie has the sweet taste of Hong Kong action mixed with the senseless violence reminiscent of the good ol' eighties. Oh, you were born in 1990. Go to bed, bitch.
Phantasm III: Lord of the Dead: Watch this movie and what do you say? Holy shit!!! Eat Booberry Crunch for breakfast, take a crap in a glad bag, remove the corn, hold it up to a 100 watt lightbulb, and what do you say? Holy shit!!! Either way you're in for a treat. PHANTASM III is definitely the best in the series. Not only do you get to see Reggie knock midgets out of trees with a shotgun, but you get to meet a kid who makes weapons out of his toys and an erotic femalien star twin of Wesley Snipes who beats down balls with nunchakus. Definitely a classic not to be missed.
Story of Ricky: Not a horror movie my ass? How 'bout I punch your fucking skull in half and see if you're not just a little bit horror-stricken because this movie has that shit. Nails to the eye, exploding arms and chins, intestinal strangle holds, and a never before seen cinematic innovation known as the x-ray. That's right. An x-ray of a quick-action jab. See if your scrotum doesn't tingle next time you get an MRI (and no I don't mean when you touch yourself. Remember they can see you.) Anyway, STORY OF RICKY is the most brilliant exploitation of death creativity since the Halloween episode of "Benson". It's the perfect amalgamation (that means "you suck dick" in Latin) of two great tastes that taste great together: kung-fu and gore. And though it only made number thirteen on AFI's list of the 100 greatest films of all time, it is truly the only film you should ever need to see.
Hell Night: Although I just saw it recently, Hell Night goes down in my Hall of Fame. Except for the lack of Element 217 (see my comment in the flick list), this one is awesome. Some greeks get royally fucked up by a pair of fucked up monsters. Awesome. Imaginative kills, and a shotgunshowdown. Awesome.
Deep Rising:Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na, Axe-MAN! Hell yes, that's what you get (ax in face) when you go barging in on some people just trying to hide in a safe. I'm glad that this one got made, I don't know how it got made, but I'm glad it did. Definitely like the "Hall of Meat" scene.
Starship Troopers:Guns, Bugs, Titty. If you haven't seen this movie either:1) Go get it NOW! or 2) Send a self addressed stamped envelope to me, Ookla the Ass Kicker, to receive a free mercy killing- you worthless bastard child!If you saw this movie and didn't like it, well bring your facist ass over here and prepare to die. I'll fight you and yo mama, cause this movie was THAT awesome!
Honey Mustard Sauce: Hip hop hooray! Everything tastes better with honey mustard on it... and I do mean everything: chicken, birthday cake, pussy- hell, it's all good.
Starship Troopers: O.k., maybe this isn't a true "horror" flick, but come on!!! This move has action, adventure, romance, and most important of all.....titty. There is one sure fire way to figure out if you will like this movie. Look in your pants. If you have a dick, you will be asured to like it. No dick, no gaurantees.
Bad Taste: Another New Zealand classic. If the guy eating brain soup doesn't steal your heart, and if you don't feel the pain on when the guy holds his head shut with a belt, you just aren't human. There is also a sheep getting blown up with a bazooka. Can anyone say "Emmy"?
Friday the 13th, Part IX: JASON GOES TO HELL: I laughed so hard, it made my left nut twitch for a month. Highlights include: ARTILLERY CAM, guy eating a big black heart, the Jason-hunter who was on Brisco County Jr., hamburgers that looked like jason masks, the HYPER ELBOW attack, and the book of the dead sitting on the Vorhees' family coffee table. After that movie, you'll want a cigarette.
Trampoline: Whoa Nellie! What a great time I had bouncing up and down on this thing! Sure, it may be cliche- just like "Jump Rope"- but guys, trampoline kicks hardcore buttock. An old school favorite that never...NEVER gets tiresome. I say: run out and buy yourself one today! You won't regret it!
Crocodile Mile: Hey Kids! What Do You Do When You See A Crocodile? Well... I don't know about you- but I RUN! I SLIDE! I HIT THE BUMP AND TAKE A DIVE! Nothing beats Crocodile Mile on a sweltering summer afternoon. Forget SLIP AND SLIDE. Crocodile Mile is the only slippery plastic mat on the market today with both a BOOMERANG BUMP and a SPLASHDOWN POOL. Do you know what that equals? Better value. Now go get one! Thank me later.
Pete's Dick: And to think, I used to be scared of the dick.... but that was before Pete ate my pussy out while I watched cartoons. I'll never look at Huckleberry Hound the same way again. Abracadabra, Pete's dick gonna stab ya!