BATS
Year: 1999
Rated: PG-13
Run Time: 86 minutes
Production Company: Hump 'n' Pump Enterprises
Director: Louis Morneau (Carnosaur 2, The Island of Doctor Morneau)
Starring:Lou Diamond Phillips, Dina Meyer, and Leon
T & A: What part of PG-13 don't you understand, bitch?
It's: One Of Ours!


"You're Their In-Flight Snack"






About a month ago, I was watching handicapped children playing MAGIC: THE GATHERING on PAX TV when all of a sudden a commercial for "WHEN BATS ATTACK IV" came on. I thrilled to a scene of Barry Bonds using a baseball bat to beat the shit out of a Jamaican snowboarder he caught selling bootleg POKEMON paraphenalia at E3 . Then the screen (poly)morphed into an image of BATTRA breaking his own nose while attempting to toss VOLTRON's salad in a low-earth orbit. Then I saw a clip of Jennifer Lopez hitting a camel in the dick with a pie. I don't know exactly what the fuck that last scene had to do with bats attacking... but it moistened more than my towelette. One thing was for sure (cowabunga) dude, my totally tubular ass was there. That was last month...

And you know, I never did see that fucking documentary. Oh sure, I saw the episode of THE MAGIC SCHOOL BUS where they travel up Timmy's inflammed vas deferens and sang-a-long with a grumpy prostate.... I even watched the Spanish Channel one weekend just to see the hot women. My favorite show was "SABADO GIGANTE". Anyway, I did a hell of a lot of things last month (like win TOOBIN' in the arcade on two quarters)... but seeing that WHEN BATS ATTACK special wasn't one of them.

I guess that's why I was so stoked about seeing BATS when it fluttered its furry rodent ass into theaters last week. NOTC shaolin pimp co-conspirator MR. PAUL also wanted to go see it, but I think it was only because he heard that Jennifer Lopez hits a camel in the dick with a pie at the very end. Even the sturdy oak known as OOKLA THE MOK traversed the harsh steppe to go see the flick with us, but half way through the picture he realized that Lou Diamond Philips wasn't going to get naked and breakdance... so he went home and lit a brush fire in his mama's panties instead.

Anyway: about the goddamn movie. The plot goes a little something like this:

Killer bats attack a small town.

That's it. That's the joke. Want more? Whore.

A top secret military laboratory has been playing dirty tricks on mother nature. First they put fake dog doo on her porch. Now, the sorcerers of death's construction have created a strain of killer bat that is super-intelligent, super-strong, and supersonic. These savage mutants have infiltrated the cliffs surrounding the small west Texas town of Gallup and have begun attacking the inhabitants. It's up to Sherrif Lou-Diamond Phillips and his band of merry batologists to serve the public trust, protect the innocent, uphold the law, and kick it Old School with Robocop at his Haunted House Party. After weathering a massive battack inside a fortified high-school, they use Yahoo Maps to locate the abandoned (Thundrilium) mine that the super bats are using as their roost. They gear up with space-suits and lasers and shit, and descend into the guano-filled caverns to erradicate the furry fucking menace once and for all.

Of course, it's difficult to do this film any justice in a standard review-type format. Hell, it's difficult to do this movie any justice without putting the director in the fucking gas chamber. That's why I've included our handy NOTC BATS SCORECARD. It's what we used to determine what this fucking flick received. Now you fags at home can keep score with the Creeps, just like you do for VH-1's ROCK 'n' ROLL JEOPARDY. Let's play the feud!

THE BATS SCORECARD



We didn't have to pay to get in to see this shit.

+1 Flag Point

That's because we're cheap fuckers and snuck in.

+1 Flag Point

Actually, it's because MR. PAUL's on welfare.

+5 Flag Point

People die before the opening credits

+2 Flag Points

...That was during the trailer for END OF DAYS

-2 Flag Points

MR. PAUL pissed off some Mexicans

+1 Flag Point

I'm Mexican

-1 Flag Point

Actually, I'm Danish

+5 Flag Points

You ate that Cheese Danish for breakfast, didn't you?

+1 Flag Points

...That was my uncle from the old country, you fucking bastard

-2 Flag Points

The movie started

-1 Flag Point

It opens with some teenagers driving to a secluded spot to make out

+1 Flag Point

They die....

+5 Flag Points

...before they get naked

-3 Flag Points

Somebody says the "S" word

+1 Flag Point

The "S" is for "SUPER"

+10 Flag Points

Somebody says the "P" word

+1 Flag Point

What's the "P" stand for?

PUSSY

We get to see an autopsy scene where a fat guys' intestines are hanging out.

+3 Flag Points

Lou Diamond Phillips tries to hit up on a bit tittied batologist.

0 Flag Points

She makes fun of him.

+5 Flag Points

MR. PAUL tries to hit up on a big tittied girl behind the concession stand

+1 Flag Point

She makes fun of him.

+30 Flag Points

MR. PAUL finds a turd in his MILK DUDS

-10 Flag Points

I put it there.

+250 Flag Points

In the movie, the bats are mostly computer generated.

-3 Flag Points

In the movie, Lou Diamond Philips is mostly computer generated.

+5 Flag Points

An angry bat swarm attacks small Texas town at night.

+5 Flag Point

Panic ensues.

+5 Flag Points

People get trampled in the chaos.

+10 Flag Points

Lou Diamond Phillips is not among the trampled.

-200 Flag Points

Diamond shoots a bunch bats out of the sky with a pistol.

+5 Flag Points

Zap shoots tennis balls at speeds approaching 50 mph during the ASSAULT event.

+5 Flag Points

Zap has some big fuckin' titties.

+25 Flag Points

The main characters are forced to hide out in an old high school.

+1 Flag Points

They spend 15 minutes fortifying their position with electric fences and booby traps.

+5 Flag Points

They did that kind of shit all the time in A-TEAM.

+25 Flag Points

You hated A-TEAM.

-50 Flag Points

Some drunk guy had a bat lock on to his head and it bit his face off.

+3 Flag Points

That drunk guy was sitting two rows in front of us

+75 Flag Points

There was a baby crying in the theater we saw BATS in.

-10 Flag Points

It was crying because I spanked it.

+10 Flag Points

You were caught spanking it while looking at the underwear models in the JC Penny catalog.

-20 Flag Points

The artist formerly known as LEON takes a blowtorch and murders a huge swarm of bats.

+1 Flag Point

The bats he killed were on the endangered species list.

+82 Flag Points

Lou Diamond Phillips puts on a spacesuit and enters the bat lair.

+1 Flag Point

He gets bat shit all over himself.

+25 Flag Points

I got shit all over myself: I guess I shouldn't have eaten those nachos.

-50 Flag Points

Not shit.

ENERGY

The good guys save the day.

-25 Flag Points

They had to blow up the entire fucking town in order to do it.

+200 Flag Points

In an orgy of drunken celebration, the big-tittied batologist takes her skin-tight tank top off.

+500 Flag Points

Sike.

-924 Flag Points

FINAL SCORE

10 Flag Points

WHAT CAN YOU GET FOR 10 FLAG POINTS?

HOODED COBRA COMMANDER



As you can tell, you've got to make your own fun if you're going to enjoy this experience: kind of like having sex with someone in a coma. BATS was always one flap away from crash landing upon the Shit List thanks to a ton of off-screen kills, a ton of computer generated hijinx, and a ton of Lou Diamond Phillips. Still, for you tooth-pulling masochists out there, BATS does have its moments... just be sure you have a black belt in Kama Sutra before tackling this unwashed Culture Brain hellfuck for full-price.

-Z MAN

Our Rating System


Mr. Paul: "Word to your mother."


Z-man: "I probably should've stayed home and read my DIDDY KONG RACING F.A.Q. instead."