Blade, The Vampire Slayer
Run Time: ??? minutes
Production Company: Imaginary Forces / Amen Ra Films / New Line Cinema
Director: Stephen Norrington
Starring: Wesley Snipes, Stephen Dorff, Kris Kristofferson
T & A: Hell No
Here's hoping that you brought along a fresh pair of draws to the theater... cause after the vampire splatterfest "BLADE" kung-fu megatron KICKS the shit out of your ass- you're gonna need 'em! Wesley Snipes dons his trusty vampire-proof draws and opens an old school can of Kwangtung Province funk on everyone in what has proven to be one of the most surprisingly entertaining horror flicks to be released this year! BLADE is one fucked up trip through what seems to be several genres, actually. One part horror flick gorefest, one part martial arts orgy, and one part machine gun toting action/adventure massacre... there's one thing that's for sure about BLADE, it is fucking awesome.
The actual storyline to this gore soaked vampire holocaust revolves around the title character BLADE: who's mother was bitten by a vampire shortly before his birth. As a result, BLADE is a half-breed. Part vampire and part human, he has all of the vampires wickedly cool abilities (superhuman strength, superhuman speed, regenerative healing powers, and apparently...like all other vampires in "BLADE"...a whole fucking arsenal of devastating martial arts techniques) but none of their weaknesses (like succeptability to sunlight, garlic, or silver). Armed with his special gifts, BLADE sets out to wreak havoc on the secret vampire society that extends across the globe and to murder as many of the bastards as he can in an effort to get revenge for his mother's untimely death. He teams up with a long haired cowboy killer (and technical wizard) named Whistler... a human whose family was massacred by vampires long ago and now seeks revenge just like our hero. Basically, Whistler just hangs around and designs all kinds of maniac implements of destruction that Blade can use on those fucking vampires to a devastating effect: customized machine cannons and pistols that fire silver (and garlic laden) rounds, katana blades, silver garrotte wire, boomerangs, ultra-violet blast torches that fry vampire flesh like rays of the sun, silver impaling rods, "vampire mace", and some kind of deadly blood attacking mutagen shit that makes vampires explode... just a HUGE arsenal of shit... and throughout the course of the movie- ALL OF IT gets used on the undead hordes. All of it.
Anyway, as Blade and Whistler are engaged in their genocidal rampage night after night... trouble is brewing in the Vampire nation. There is some dissention amongst the 12 Tribes of the House of Erebus. A young "half-blood" vampire named Deacon Frost has been shaking up the system with his unrelenting animosity towards everything both living, dead, or undead. Frost is basically fed up with all the politics that have been such a part of Vampire culture for thousands of years and wants to just declare open war on humanity. He feels that by slaying the human population of Earth with complete and utter abandon he can usher in a"New World Order" where vampires are not outcasts, but Gods. Needless to say, the Council Of The 12 Tribes doesn't exactly take kindly to this indignant little fucker trying to ruin a centuries old balance of co-existence with humanity and they try to stop him. But unfortunately, it's too late. Frost has already taken it upon himself to marshall up his own private vampire army and countless loyal human slaves (called "familiars") to carry out his grand schemes. He proceeds to seize control of the vampire society and press forward with his ultimate move for global domination: THE RESSURRECTION OF THE VAMPIRE BLOOD GOD. By translating a series of ancient vampire texts of millenia past, known as "The Vampire Bible", Frost is able to discover the secret to bringing this Ultimate Evil to Earth: a sacrifice containing the blood of a Half-Breed.... one who has both the human AND vampire blood coursing through his veins....
...and guess who fits that bill?
Damn right he does. What ensues is a fucked up series of battles with Frost and his vampire legions. Battles that leave practically everyone BLADE knows either dead or infected with the vampire's deadly curse. Combine this with the fact that BLADE himself is increasingly unable to stave off the hideous bloodlust that plagues full-breed vampires, and we have quite a show on our hands. Needless to say- by the time the dust settles and the last headless corpse bites the fucking dust, just about everybody and everything (undead or otherwise) has been completely annihilated in this all out Vampire War. Cool Shit, indeed.
I really can't recommend it highly enough that you round up all your drunken friends all haul your asses into the nearest theater and watch this mean bastard "BLADE". The movie was a total surprise to all of us here at NOTC who were lucky enough to see it before opening night- and an experience that we won't soon forget! The biggest shock was probably the gore. JESUS CHRIST. Heads getting ripped off, faces exploding, impalings, disintegrations, vampire UV torture, limbs hacked off, decapitations, blood baths, windpipes ripped out, fuckers being burnt alive, guys cut in half with swords, teeth pulled out with pliers, little girls thrown through hot dog stands, eyes stabbed, souls stolen, and vampires bloating up and popping like six foot zits. Very satisfying in the slop department. However, to say that the gore was the only true achievement of "BLADE" is a damn insult. The kung fu action was absolutely hilarious. All the old school camera tricks were employed: insanely sped up footage, impossible 50 foot jumps, fuckers flying around, projectiles being kicked back into people's faces, and ridiculously loud punch/kick impacts. Also, the blatant lack of mercy against the vampires was really, really, REALLY entertaining. BLADE would fuck up ANYTHING even remotely associated with vampires without an ounce of remorse. He would reverse elbow smash the head off of a vampire bitch faster than you can say "Alabama Thunder Pussy". Little kid vampires? Fuck em- Wesley will jump snap kick those little bastards through a brick wall. Defenseless vampires? Fuck them too- torture and ridicule seems to work best. Ahhhhh.... it's just great to see a hero who honestly doesn't give a fuck about his foes anymore. None of this "respect thy worthy opponent" bullshit. No sir. BLADE will make you feel like a dumb bastard when he dodges that incoming butterfly kick, then cuts your hand off with a fucking sword, and talks shit when he holds your face up against a subway train passing by at warp speed. Yes kids. He's a mean bastard. My God, I want to be like that when I grow up.
Our Rating System
Mr. Paul: "The first twenty minutes consist of Wesley Snipes beating the fuck out of everybody in site. Come to think of it... the last twenty minutes are like that too. There are also twenty minutes in the middle where he beats vampires senseless. Capoeria kicks to the face, and attitute baby! Attitude!"
Z-Man: "Unless you're nutsack deep in June Cleaver's beaver this evening, RUSH out and see this flick at all costs! With a body count only slighlty lower than the Tet Offensive, BLADE kicks, punches, and palm heel strikes some serious ass. Kung Fu! Murder! Indigo & Violet! "
El Santo: "It has exploding body parts, Asian School Girl Sluts, plenty of Kung-Fu action, and some cool ass effects! What else could you ask for? In an era where Good, Classic Fun is missing from movies, this film proves that some directors and producers still know what the audience wants! Only draw back: no titty!"
Eagle Te: "This movie is truly unbelievable!!! Not since Starship Troopers have I walked out of a movie theater and been more impressed with a film!!! No shit freaks, this movie has it all; a vampire gets his head held against a moving subway train and Wesley Snipes does speed photography kung fu for Christ's sake!!! Eagle Te says, "Watch it now!!!!""
General Zod: "Sanguinary eroticism. Capoeira kicks to the skull. A reference to 'Kentucky Fried Movie'. The action sequences in this movie are sweet to the taste. Now, go see it before I execute a Nairobi Nut Wrench on your sorry bitch ass."
Can't Get Enough of My Dope Ass?
Well sucka, why not go visit the OFFICIAL BLADE WEBSITE ?
It's got pictures, bios, and a big fat Vampire Bible! Ooh Damn!