Bleeders
a.k.a. HEMOGLOBIN

Year: 1997
Rated: R
Run Time: 89 minutes
Production Company: A-PIX ENTERTAINMENT
Director: Peter Svatek (Sci-Fighters, Witchboard III: The Possession)
Starring: Rutger Hauer, Roy Dupuis, and Jackie Borroughs
T & A: Hell No
Operation: Dumbo Drop




"Earn Your Wings!"





NOTE: If you are Dutch, then go fuck a dike or what ever the fuck you have over there because I'm about to spend the next ten minutes in a full attempt to make you look like gay bastards, which most of you are!

The Fucking Bleeders. Yup, the Fucking Bleeders. That's the name of the movie I saw the other day. Before I get into why this movie sucks more cock then my last girlfriend, let me give you a very brief explanation of what I like to call:

THE FUCKING PLOT

O.K, basically you've got a bunch of members of the Dutch Royal Family (which by nature is gay) fucking each other to keep themselves pure. It mainly revolves around a brother screwing his sister (we get to see her titties, but they are Dutch titties... which fall right under cow teets in my book). Anywho, all those gay bastards run away from Dutch land and seek a new beginning on a small island off the coast of the U.S. After years of inbreeding and Asexual reproduction, those gay Dutch bastards transform into little shitlin bastards who run around underground with clubs. They kill some folks and at the end they hide away under the protective cover of a long lost Gay Dutch Bastard!

So what does all of this mean? Better yet, why in the fuck did I watch this fucking film? There was some titty, but lets face it, if you're going to impress me with titty: then it's going to have to be DAMN GOOD TITTY! I've had plenty of titty in my time, some of it has been bad titty, some average titty, and some of it has been mouth watering good! So when I see a movie with titty, I don't want to see some rag-tag titty I could get downtown, instead I want to see something that makes me say out loud, "I'D FUCK THE HELL OUT OF THOSE TITTIES". This movie didn't even come close. The titties looked like playdough, with nipples. Not what I call erotic action at its best!

Next up, this movie had no violence to speak up, The shit I took last night would have gotten a higher rating than this piece of crap. (Note: It was a vanilla shit due to the 5 vanilla cokes I drank) These little Dutch bastards have tiny sticks they use as clubs to kill people. And I'm supposed to believe this shit? Yeah, Like I wouldn't put my bionic foot to their Nut sized dick in a heartbeat if one of those fuckers came a knockin'. Hell, the fucking smurfs would have put up more of a threat than these Dutch inbreds. At least Papa Smurf Could have whipped up a Smurf-tonic potion to fuck your ass up. I don't even want to get started on why this movie has no action.

Mid-way during the movie, I left to go piss. When I came back I farted and life went on. I guess what I'm trying to say is that this movie won't get you any pussy, it won't provide you with any classic horror moments, and it will leave you somewhat violated!

El Santo Saz: "This movie made me wish we'd had dropped a bomb on the Dutch, where ever the fuck they're from!"



-El Santo

Our Rating System


Mr. Paul:"This movie is so full of shit. I can understand the NASCAR race with the midget 'Double Stuff' driving, but the ejector seat in his car... that's bullshit. Also how the hell is his parachute suppose to work when it's on fire? And of course he just happens to land on the island surrounded by alligators which he (a three foot master of mayhem) with a his prosthetic limb and a baseball bat with a nail in it."


Z-man:"I'm just shocked that HULK HOGAN would lower himself to star in such a film... especially considering how SUBURBAN COMMANDO and MR. NANNY did so well in Germany. Still, to see him body slam David Hasselhoff on stage at FARM AID was pretty fucking cool- even if he didn't win the Intercontinental Belt."


Eagle Te: "Tae-Bo is without a doubt the top fitness program out there today. This highly developed, all body workout helped my fat ass girlfriend drop half a ton...THANK YOU, BILLY BLANKS! My back feels so much better now that it doesn't have to support 2000 pounds of pale, wet, sweaty flesh pounding on my pelvis...1000 pounds makes for a much smoother, enjoyable ride."


El Santo:"This movie is like having peanut butter on your dick and having a gang of cows lick it off while a fat, sweaty woman dances on your face! Or so I've heard...."


Brother Phil:"That Andre is such a loveable scamp! I especially loved how he hits the ball around with his flipper. Everyone loves that seal!"


Ookla the Mok:"It is disturbing to find so many teenagers these days who are sexually active, and yet so many elderly who like the generation before them, are just totally worthless. Also I find your lack of faith disturbing. I mean come on, can't A-Pix find somebody to direct besides this monkey? Gee Golly Willakers. So ask yourself, if it was your job on the line, would you or would you not chop down that tree to feed your family? Thank you and good night Mr. President"


General Zod:"When the guy from Internal Affairs slipped on that cube steak at Denny's and broke his knee, it was pretty funny, but when that professor spelled 'address' with only one 'd' in that memo, the movie lost all sense of believability."






Merciful Buddha!
BLEEDERS: YE OLD SHIT LISTE INDUCTEE (12/12/98)