Body Melt
Year: 1993
Rated: R
Run Time: 81 minutes
Production Company: Bodymelt PTY LTD
Director: Philip Brophy
Starring:Gerard Kennedy, Vince Gill, Ian Smith
T & A: Hell Yeah
Nas: Car

"The First Phase Is Hallucinogenic...
"The Second Phase Is Glandular...
And the Third Phase Is.... BODY MELT

Are you ready to experience something totally different, yet sinfully exciting? Something that will make your dick explode and the hair on your ass stand up on end? No, I'm not referring to that life-sized Luther Vandross mechanical anus you had your eye on at the Flea Market... and no, this shit has nothing to do with your dream of having ZAP, DIAMOND, and BLAZE taking turns buffing your face with their asses while handcuffed to an atlasphere. What I'm talkin' bout is the Australian gore-connection BODY MELT, fool. It's dope. It's hype. It's yo. It's also a bit retarded as far as your average horror movie goes- but it's got enough carnivorous placenta attacks, infectious brain spray, greased titty capers, and exploding bodybuilder dickbeef to satisfy even the most jaded of gore hounds. There were certainly some scenes in BODY MELT that impressed the hell out of everybody here at NIGHT OF THE CREEPS. Of course- for the record, we were all equally impressed when GENERAL ZOD told us about that time he duct-taped a turtle to a skateboard and put it on a half-pipe... so take this shit for what it's worth.

Of course, where would a great NOTC review be if it didn't have a plot summary that made some fucking sense? (Probably on EL SANTO's desk, right next to his velvet painting of Ric Flair and his Rubik's Pube) So sit back, relax, and finger your dog: it's time to look at YE OLDE PLOT for this here flick:

The diabolical DOCTOR CARRERA, owner of a swank Australian health spa and part time criminal mastermind, is secretly conducting hideous experiments on the residents of the small suburban neighborhood of Pebble Court. By giving the populace a variety of wack-crazy drugs disguised as vitamins and dietary supplements- she is cataloguing the carnage of her one-woman chemical apocalypse for the sake of scientific research. And oh what a fucking mess she starts. The devastating drugs unleash a tidal wave of biological nightmares upon the populace. People sneeze their brains right out of their fucking nostrils, a pregnant woman's placenta rips its way out of her womb in search of face to eat, intestines crawl up people's throats and attack their owner's heads. Word: it's fucked up! So fucked up that a pair of (mc)gruff detective-types are assigned to get to the bottom of these gruesome deaths. The flick centers around these two Aussie assholes and their lethal enforcement of the law of the land. We follow them from one bloody massacre to another, until they are ultimately confronted with the pant-wetting terror of DOCTOR CARRERA's evil death spa!

The weird thing about BODY MELT is that it is really 4 seperate stories created by the director all jammed together in one movie. Each one of the "cases" that the two cops investigate is treated as its own little movie- often with their own unique characters and subplots. This unique mudhole puppyfuck plot is both good and bad for any viewers. On one hand, the schizophrenic swings from one story to another sort of ruin any cohesive flow that the movie has. Its pace is just uneven and jerky: like getting fucked in the ass with a Polish jackhammer with a defective Power-Pak. On the other hand (the one that smells like butt), if you've got a short attention span- this movie is damn perfect. If you get tired of any of the characters on screen at any given moment... just give em 15 minutes: they're gonna fuckin die. Their nuts will implode during a zesty pud-pulling session, their eyes will fill with fluid and burst all over a mirror, or acidic mucus will jet out of their rectum and melt the dog.

Of course, the real stars of the show are the elaborate and ultra-sloppy gore effects. Toxic snot, rupturing organs, and diseased vomit abound in this flick.... and while they don't choke you with the raw force of something like DEAD ALIVE: they're strategically placed throughout the movie's 88 minutes (just like the occassional titty) in order to keep you satisfied. There are also a couple of ultra-classic scenes to be had, like when an steroid bodybuilder goon watches a super skank porno- only to have his fucking dick EXPLODE all over the television screen in a rainbow blast of acrid man meat! It's fucking insane: and it had our scurvy asses rushing to punch the rewind button at Mach 5!

Overall, BODY MELT is a really rewarding experience for the discerning horror fan. You know, the kind that can appreciate bloated intestines writhing in the breeze, kamikazee placentas assaulting people's heads, and the occassional backwater mutant impaling somebody's groin with a steel pipe. Just be warned: the stories are pretty uneven... and some of the humor is a bit aggravating to sit through: but it's only 88 minutes long, and you could do a lot worse. Hell, you HAVE done a lot worse. You beat off to the lingerie models in the SEARS catalog for longer than that... and they didn't even show you any titty!


Our Rating System

Mr. Paul: "This fucker made no sense, but was entertaining as hell. It was reminiscent of a lot Peter Jackson's shit. Don't forget... phase 2 is glandular."

Z-man: "Fans of BAD TASTE and DEAD ALIVE owe it to themselves to check out the bastard child of Peter Jackson's manic gorefests. While not as fast paced or as loaded with carnage as its big tittied bretheren, BODY MELT contains enough exploding glands and kangaroo killing hillbilly mutants to keep the kids happy. So, the next time that BLACK ANAL BONDAGE QUEENS is rented out at your local video smut palace, give BODY MELT a shot! You'll like it. I lived it."

Eagle Te: "Definitely one of the stranger movies to viewed by Te...and thats saying a hell of alot considering my affinity for Asian midget porn. While most of the movie is pretty slow, this is more than made up for by some of the most intense and funny scenes that I have seen in a long time, the best of which is when the giant Thor bodybuilder's dick beef explodes all over the television screen while he's watching a porno...BEEFY!"

El Santo: "You could say that I've never seen anything like this movie. You could say that I've never seen your mother naked. You'd be wrong in both cases. This movie offers flesh bonding mayhem, when those wacky teens get dressed up for Halloween and go fucking around the neighborhood. This will teach Timmy not to throw eggs anymore! As far as the titties go.....WOW BABY, there is non stop titty action as several C cups fight it out for the title of Ruler of the World!!! Rent this movie, you'll love it!!!"