Run Time: 97 minutes
Production Company: Warner Home Video
Director: John McNaughton (Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer)
Starring: Robert Dryer, Rae Dawn Chong, Tom Allard, Fat Alien Dick
T & A: Hell No
Son of A: Bitch
The Animal! The Animal! Can anything stop (dum dum da dum) THE AN-I-MAL? No buster, nothing can stop THE ANIMAL. Fences? No. Barricades? No. How about the nuclear membrane? Bitch- no chance. It climbs up trees, alone or in threes. It makes a diggity sound. It fucks up ramps and crescent kicks gramps- and will knock your fat ass on the ground. Of course, the one thing the ANIMAL can't do (besides pour itself into that dress. Size 6? Jesus!) is make it through the shit stained entirety of THE BORROWER: quite possibly the greatest scandal to rock NOTC headquarters since BROTHER PHIL got his barbed, prehensile love pump lodged in Shamu's delicate blowhole during the Swimsuit Competition. But even those wounds eventually healed: pliable mammalian cartileges mended, milky genital scabs were formed, violated orifices once again pulsed with the ebb and flow of life. If only things could have been the same for THE BORROWER. As it stands (buffalo stance), THE BORROWER delivered unto us a mighty bitchslap from which there was no escape. Although we all tried desperately to spell relief (F-A-R-T): it was too late. Within the short span of 30 minutes, THE BORROWER had run buck wild on our asses: earning itself an undisputed pole position within the confines of THE SHIT LIST and a dishonorable (and pulpy) discharge from the asshole of Pickles the Wonder Mule.
Now before you turn up your bulbous snout in disgust and move on to other reviews that are worth a shit (like TRACTOR FACTOR and STUTTER CAMP N-N-NIGHTMARE), sit your white ass down. It's time that you got to know thy enemy. By fully understanding the mystical origins and genetic makeup of THE BORROWER, you can learn from our mistakes. By unlocking the secret nature of the beast you'll be able to spot a Shithouse Rat from miles away (in theory) and prevent a sizzling ass polyp like this from slipping past your defenses and on to your permanent record. The wise man learns from the deaths of others, so watch and learn:
THE PLOT: Even in the inky black depths of space, justice is served to the wicked. At least, that's what the Insectoid Rootie Poo Space Fag told "the borrower" right before his sentence was carried out. Convicted by Space Court for the wholesale slaughter of countless citizens of the Jitterbug Pinko Fag Empire, "the borrower" has been given a sentence that is only slightly less embarassing than the Singapore cane but guaranteed to hurt his ass even more: he's being exiled to SAN FRANCISCO in human form. Yes, human form. Ugly human form. And to make things even more unappetizing, the borrower's human body is subject to have its head EXPLODE at random intervals... leaving the decapitated shit-eater to steal other people's heads in order to survive. So what the local police are faced with is a never-ending trail of headless corpses and no obvious motive in their deaths. Fearing the presence a serial killer in their midst, they hit the streets in search of the culprit. Imagine their surprise when they discover that the murderer is an extra-terrestrial hard ass out to torture, maim, and kill!
Fuck. Imagine YOUR surprise when you rent this flick on the pretense of that plot synopsis and find out that it sucks more dick than a boatload of syphilitic Thai whores on Chinese New Year. This flick is just goddamn awful and there's really nothing that can be done about it short of emptying a glock into your fucking forehead after the opening sequence. It's one of those flicks that thinks it can charm the audience with scenes of the alien trying to adapt to Earth culture. Fuck that. If I wanted to see bald-headed slagshit alien pricks sport sunglasses and hang out on the street corner with the "homies", I'd watch ALIEN NATION on the Sci-Fi Channel right after Harlan Ellison administered my daily coffee enema on the Promenade Deck. And to make matters worse, one of the "hard-boiled" detectives turns out to be none other than RAE DAWN CHONG (daughter of DING DONG CHONG, sister of CHOKE MY CHONG, mother of BABY CHONG), who looks, acts, and smells like shit in this flick. Toss in a storyline that grinds by at a pace that is on par with unlubricated turtle assfuck: and you've got a bonafide superstar of the upper Shitmosphere. Which is why THE BORROWER, just like anyone retarded enough to rent it, goes straight on to the fucking SHIT LIST! You have been warned.
Our Rating System
Mr. Paul: "Rae Dawn Chong, you are my everything. My Venus, the fire of my desire. Why can't we be together. I've seen you love a white man in "Soul Man"... I know we can be together."
Z-man: "Why not borrow the neighbor's cat and get some pussy for a change?"
Eagle Te: "This turd will have you borrowing a shotgun from 'ol pop's closet to blow your head off."
El Santo: "Ooooohhhh... if you'll let me borrow that big juicy dick: I'll let you borrow my hot, deep ass!"
Zod, General: "Remember that part in WILD THINGS where Denise Richards got naked and made out with Neve Campbell. . . . That was awesome."
THE BORROWER: YE OLD SHIT LISTE INDUCTEE (2/16/99)