The Brain

Year: 1988
Rated: R
Run Time: 94 minutes
Production Company:
Director: Edward Hunt
Starring: Tom Breznahan, George Buza, David Gale
T & A: Hell Yes
What's The P Stand For: PUSSY

"Mind Over Matter!"

Although my ass is quite bionic (like my name was Colt Seavers) and I got you bitches open like a bunch of wide receivers... don't let the six million dollar price tag fool you. My lethal weapon is my mind. Oh sure, I can pierce 12" reinforced armor plate or knock a homerun out of Yankee Stadium with the gale force power of my monster giga cock- but I'm also crafty. Craftier than thou. "But what about her? She's crafty!" Bitch. I'm so goddamn crafty that every time I spin the wheel of fortune it lands on the ruby red glitter space that reads "You The Shit". So crafty that after I win $10,000 at PLINKO I wipe my ass on Bob Barker. I never get a whammy. When I solve the puzzle it gets the ladies wet. My joker's always wild, bitch- and if you ever doubt my intellectual supremacy again, I'm gonna drop the TIC TAC DOUGH on your ass. So what does all this have to do with THE BRAIN? Simple. Brains are here to learn- and I'm about to teach you a lesson you'll never forget. It's called E=MC HAMMER, and after you finish with this review you'll need a kickstand to take a shit. It's just that dope.

The story revolves around a man and his brain. His giant, bug eyed, flesh eating monster brain. The one he keeps in a giant tub in his underground lair, attatched to electrodes and galvonic probes. The man is Doctor Blake: the host of the popular "Independent Thinking" self-help show and tortured evil genius. The monster brain is: well... the fucking monster brain. The two apparently join forces to completely shred the sanity of a juvenile delinquent (named Jim) who has some kind of psychic connection to the monster brain. Through a series of hallucinations, telekinetic ass slams, and mental blitzes- the monster brain tries to sieze control of Jim's body for its own evil purposes. With the help of his professional escort Janet, Jim manages to free himself from the tyranny of fat mutant brain beast Neo X- and enlists his hotch on a suicide mission deep within Doctor Blakes laboratory stronghold. It's damn near a Smoky Mountain Christmas as the twosome battles the awe-inspiring BIG FAT ORDERLY (who can lop off heads with a single tomahawk chop), the devastating SLIPPERY FLOOR (whose lubricated ways can spell disaster for those unsure of foot), and of course the diabolical, hungry jack BRAINTAUR itself!

For all it's worth- THE BRAIN did have some good moments. Early in the film (when the monster was but a wee little brain with a flexible spinal cord) it could kick some serious ass. One second a teen would be doing aerobics to the the tunes of CRUEL SUMMER, and then the brain would just fly through the window and attack! Holy shit! I've never seen a spinal cord strangle a victim, let alone toss her ass out of a third story window! But the glory of youth soon faded from the brain. It became lazy in its adulthood: content to just sit on the couch and hog the COLECO VISION all day at Doctor Blake's. The brain got fat...and slow...and pretty much shitty. It wouldn't even get up to go get victims for itself anymore... it just told its willing mind slaves to do all of these menial tasks. GO FIX ME A SANDWICH! Yes, Mr. Brain. MAKE SURE THE BROWNIES HAVEN'T BURNT! Of course, Mr. Brain. GO TAKE OVER THE WORLD FOR ME, MONTEL'S ON! Certainly, Mr. Brain. Fuck that garbage: take over your own damn world. Apparently, THE BRAIN had never heard of the full body work out phenomenon called TAE BO. Just ask SINBAD.

Unfortunately, THE BRAIN just isn't as electrifying as I had hoped. It was most likely dope fresh back in the day when FOOD GIANTS ruled the earth (1988)... but nowadays it just seems a little stale. Kinda like that pocket of air trapped in between your girlfriend's beefy thighs on Prom Night. You know, the one that smells like an elephant graveyard on a warm Summer's Eve? Sure, it had its moments... and perhaps under different breeding conditions the film experience would have been pretty amusing. But as it was, with OOKLA wearing his "All This And Brains Too" t-shirt and EAGLE TE using his swivel arm kung fu grip to scratch the scabs off his ass and flick them on the TV screen... it was a rugged wilderness experience to say the least. We barely survived this torturous 3:00AM nightmare! Thank God that EL SANTO died at the 63rd minute mark, so we could eat Mexican. Bottom line: THE BRAIN is a high risk investment that might pay off if your crew is in the right mindset... but could also wind up making you look like (or smell like) an ass. Mama gets it out with A.S.S. Now shoo, bitch!

-Z Man

Our Rating System

Mr. Paul: "Though THE BRAIN was a far cry from the pulsing red "Mother Brain" I was expecting, it still had its moments: like a mean Buffalo Stance and Palm Heel Strike. If you think you can handle his hypnotic gaze, then give it a try... otherwise, try filling your teeth using a coat hanger."

Z-man: "All the bionic robot voodoo power on earth couldn't keep me awake through the entirety of THE BRAIN, and it was my fucking pick! However, it was almost 3:00 in the morning...and those Mormons did slip me some roofies."

Eagle Te: "Let me first say, that any movie with a giant brain that coordinates mayhem from a central location and can defend itself by attaching to someone's face gets an easy three stars in my book! Overall this movie was enjoyable but there are a few slow parts that detract from the overall effect. Definitely rent along with a four or four and a half star flick and you won't go wrong!"

El Santo: "The movie had potential! It had a brain, a dumb plot, and scary wiggly hands.. but as the Brain grew older, he just became another second hand jobber to the world! Yeah, he used to be a contender... but today he's just a one hit wonder!"

General Zod: "Fat guy, little coat. Fat guy, little coat."