Brainscan
Year: 1994
Rated: R
Run Time: 95 minutes
Production Company: Triumph
Director: John Flynn
Starring: Edward Furlong, Frank Langella, T. Ryder Smith, Amy Hargreaves
T & A: .005 nanoseconds
PSIONIC ABILITIES: All/All


"Control-Alt-DEAD"






You have to give Michael respect. He wears cool leather jackets, drives a car that talks, and drives into the back of tractor trailers while they move down the road. AHHH HELL NO! You don't know who I'm talking about? Listen here, fool! I'm talking about Michael Knight... perhaps you know him better as KNIGHT RIDER. Yo betta recognize, BI-YATCH! Unfortunately, the main character in Brainscan is not Michael Knight... but his name IS Michael and he does have several cool attributes that demand respect, such as a sweet video camera setup to film Kimberly (the girl he has a crush on) as she undresses every night in the house across the street! Even Eagle Te is impressed by such depths of teenage depravity! Ahhhh, but as you all know by now, that does not guarantee overall horror movie success here at NOTC! So read on to the plot summary and the impending final verdict of how Brainscan stacks up to such hits as BOO-Te: The Eagle Te Story.

Michael is your typical shitbag teenager. He listens to loud rock music, dresses like some post apocalyptic butt troll and is a horror movie fan... in fact he is probably the prototypical asshole that visits this page... and no, his last name is not JOUNG and he doesn't write us about respect and how somebody who writes to something called the SLAVE PIT deserves to be treated like a human being... if you want love and respect, don't come to us, bitch, go a buy a FURBY, motherfucker (Just so you know, Eagle Te maintains that those who write to the SLAVE PIT deserve nothing more than a bowl of OOPS, ALL BERRIES that I pissed in and a complimentary electric shock from my Bionic Cock). Anyway, like most retards like this, HE LOVES VIDEO GAMES and naturally can't resist when he hears about this CD ROM game called BRAINSCAN that claims to "interface with your subconcious" to create the most disturbing experience possible! Naturally, he gives it a try and unleashes a hellish sequence of events that force him to endure the cruel taunts of a demon known as the TRICKSTER as well as continue playing the game so as to cover up the crimes he finds himself commiting!

So, does it suck? Well, before I answer that, let me say a word or two on what is probably the most annoying character to cross my screen since Tinky Winky showed up on the Spice Channel and performed oral sex on a bear to the rhythmic soundtrack provided by Jem and the Holograms. I'm talking of Trickster, this annoying Alice Cooper/Steven Tyler lookin' gimp with lame ass gore effects and bullshit Beetlejuice style humor. FUCK THIS GUY! You'll find yourself crawling up the wall everytime his retard ass comes on screen! I would like nothing better than to watch this guy have his clothes burned off in a napalm bombing, have a hundred pounds of raw meat strapped to his ass, and then forced to run through a gauntlet of starved rotweillers while being chased by a nude Betty White in an Assyrian war chariot. If you can't tell by now, I DON'T LIKE THIS BASTARD! Ok, so now you know Trickster sucks! How about the rest of the movie? Well, I have to admit, this is probably one of the most difficult movies to judge that I have come across in a long time. There are some priceless scenes of Micheal getting rocked backward when he turns on the game as well as a funny ass scene where his school principle knocks out a support and recieves the grand prize of about 500 pounds of bricks right on top of his skull! But truth be told, there is only one kill in this movie that is seen (it's actually pretty disturbing) and the fact that he cuts off the dude's foot and keeps it in his freezer isn't enough to hide the fact that we are cheated from seeing his annoying friend get taken out by Michael... we are only told that, "GEE, He's dead and I killed him!" While strangely entertaining (why, I'll never know), the fact cannot be hidden that as a horror film this falls pretty flat overall and alot of potential for mindless gore and funny ass reaction shots from "rebelling" teenagers is wasted and instead replaced with some cheap ass graphics and lame dialogue from Trickster. While I don't necessarily hate this flick, understand that it might be worth checking out if it's on TV or something, but don't go out of your way to check it out! EAGLE TE DOES NOT APPROVE!


-EAGLE TE

Our Rating System


Z-man: "When I heard that TRIXTER was in BRAINSCAN I must admit, I got pretty excited. Then I found out that it wasn't the legendary rockers (or even just THE ROCKERS... Marty Jannetty 4-LIFE) in the flick: just some ugly retard who looked like the secret love-child of Dee Snider and Drop Dead Fred. When 'Trickster' started dancing around that kid's room to PRIMUS, I knocked myself out with an ashtray shaped like Jesus."


Eagle Te: "Only marginally worth the effort, if only to see the principal get buried beneath an avalanche of bricks! Oh, and Trickster, EAT A DICK!"