Run Time: 85 minutes
Production Company: New Horizon Picture Company
Director: Adam Simon (Brain Dead, Body Chemistry II: The Voice of a Stranger)
Starring: Diane Ladd, Raphael Sbarge, Jennifer Runyon, and Clint Howard
T & A: (unconfirmed) Hell Yes
Let's Eat: Pizza Instead
Ever since viewing those "lost episodes" of THE FLINTSTONES where Dino escorts Wilma into a kingdom where the forbidden pleasure of his knobby prehistoric tongue is master, it has been the personal dream of many NOTC Review Drones to watch dinosaurs have freaky whiplash pool sex with human women. But since "NYMPHOID BARBARIAN IN DINOSAUR HELL" was checked out at our local Videopolis and the copy of "GRANNY BANGERS" that we wanted to rent had chunky peanut butter and raisins lodged inside the shutter, we decided to settle for CARNOSAUR: where the prehistoric mayhem involves no instances of Jurassic Pork but there are a few cases of giant dino eggs rocketing out of human birth canals, plenty of bloody monster maulings, and a vicious gravel pit Tractor War at the end. Oh yes... aside from that part about Dinosaurs having whiplash pool sex with human females (which this film has none of, dammit), this flick has plenty to offer to a willing victim. Just pop it in the 'ol BETAMAX (or ACTION MAX) and who knows what you'll find? You might find action. You might find suspense. But you can bet your lilly white ass that you'll find love: for CARNOSAUR.
Of course, like all master killers of our generation, there is method to CARNOSAUR's madness. Contrary to popular belief, there is a plot somewhere in there... and although I missed most of its development myself as I went into the bathroom to pass that damned glass eye I swallowed at Red Lobster: here's a brief summary of what this shit is all about...
Enter Dr. Diane Ladd. A fat ugly geneticist bitch who has decided to make up for all those dickless years of adolescence by creating a supreme race of carnivorous dinosaurs (out of chicken DNA) that will eat everybody and populate the earth in the absence of humans. She has designed a fiendish virus that will infect human females and well... turn their normal, seven pound, piss'n'shit jet babies into six and a half tons of whompin', stompin' CARNOSAUR. It's a diabolical plot that is sure to succeed(?) if our two intrepid heroes: the sassy vegetarian/eco-terrorist chick Thrush and the wise ass TRACTOR SECURITY GUARD (!!!) "Doc" Smith don't put aside their differences and eat a little CARNOSAUR ass. Tossed together by pure luck and united by the fact that everyone they know got killed by the fucking dinosaur in the first 45 minutes of the movie, Thrush and Doc team up to bust Dr. Diane and spoil her plot for world domination!
Spawned in the festering dungeons of Concorde Pictures, the mo-mo booty power of Executive Producer and part-time skank master Roger Corman really shines through in CARNOSAUR. Corman is the mythological three-headed dog that has powered everything from SORORITY HOUSE MASSACRE and HUMANOIDS FROM THE DEEP to BLOODFIST III: FORCED TO FUCK and STRIPPED TO KILL II: LIVE GIRLS... so you know he's a sleaze ball that we can all relate to, if not respect in the morning.
This flick (which we all feared was destined for the Shit List, right next to "C.H.U.D. 2: THE QUICKENING" and "STOP! OR MY MOM WILL PUD!") contains a surprising amount of hilarious scenes that will leave you with that "not so fresh feeling" that you have come to crave in bad horror. One of the funnier scenes involves a bunch of tree-hugging environmentalist fags that are going to protest the destruction of their precious biome by chaining themselves to massive pieces of logging equipment overnight... only to be attacked by the godammned CARNOSAUR! Watching those hippies struggle to free themselves before that little dinosaur punctures their lungs with its J.J. Jaws of Death is pure magic! And don't forget the scene where Clint Howard (who narrowly lost the title of UGLIEST MAN ON EARTH to Joey Ramone in 1992) gets his fucking head pulled off in the Chicken Coop! Of course, the real show stealing scenes involve the human women giving birth to the CARNOSAUR eggs. It simply knocks you on your ass that these scenes were ever made- but thank God they were! Dino eggs the size of watermelons come rocketing out of a number of human birth canals with monster truck force in CARNOSAUR... and the fact that the entire cast treats these scenes with the highest degree of seriousness makes it all worthwhile! Just look at Thrush's contorted face as she grunts her way to glory!
But alas, all is not well in the Land of the Lost. Despite the impressive gore-work (the face rippings and decapitations are exceptionally juicy!) and inclusion of some great scenes, CARNOSAUR isn't perfect. Certain scenes with the Diabolical Doctor Diane can get pretty ridiculous as she tries to impress the audience with her scenes of scientific doo-doo babbling... and they get more and more frequent as the film progresses! Hell, her monologue near the end of the film goes on for damn near 20 minutes: long enough for you to launch a carnosaur of your own out of your ass and raise it to young adulthood. Also, depending on your frame of mind the CARNOSAUR dino-effects can either be so-bad-their-awesome or downright annoying as fuck. It's all straight up animatronic shit right out of CHUCK. E. CHEESE, except no body plays drums on stage while seven year olds rock to the pizza party beat.
But hell, I digress. CARNOSAUR is pretty goddamn entertaining for what it is. There's enough gore and stupidity packed inside its 82 minutes to keep most monster fans glued to the set and the "shocking" 9mm ending is definitely classic old-school funk worth watching. All in all, the original CARNOSAUR isn't bad at all- and when coupled with a sure-fire ass kicking classic makes for a good evening of wholesome family entertainment. Just be sure to avoid those two sequels like the plague! They spit on the grave of the original CARNOSAUR (if that's possible) and are absolutely inexcusable pieces of shit. Don't soil Carnosaur's sterling, pussy squirting image with that garbage! REPRESENT!
Our Rating System
Mr. Paul:"Some of you out there have recently mocked Billy Blanks and his Tae Bo challenge. Well the CARNOSAUR knows Tae Bo and he fucks everyone up. Senseless violence towards hippie protestors, nudity, and Tae Bo... that is the essence of CARNOSAUR."
Z-man:"Despite the fact that the Carnosaurs themselves don't have sex with anything but tractors, this movie still has enough blood, guts, and large objects rocketing out of dilated female orifices to keep most of you jaded bastards interested. A noble effort that is completely fucked in the ass by its sequels- so hit it and quit it."
Eagle Te: "The cheap ass creature effects are awesome and watching the vegetarian peace protestors get attacked by the carnosaur while they're chained to farm equipment made Eagle Te feel all funny inside. Rent if only for the kick ass ending and seeing large carnosaurs perform the standing long jump from their host's womb to the wide world of opportunity awaiting them outside!"