Run Time: 83 minutes
Production Company: Concorde-New Horizons
Director: Louis Morneau
Starring: John Savage, Cliff De Young, Don Stroud
T & A: Hell No
As many of you know, millions of years ago Dinosaurs ruled the Earth. However, that's where it all seems to end. Your teachers in school or at church probably told you the Earth was hit by a meteor which killed them all. In fact, NOTC staff member EAGLE TE told me the world fell into an ice age which caused the Dinosaur's extinction. Well let me tell you something EAGLE TE... or should I call you NAIVE-TE. Dinosaurs may be dead... but Carnosaur lives on! They thought they had killed him at the end of CARNOSAUR but that shit didn't happen. He's back and he's going to fuck shit up.
The film opens with a group of young teenagers up at the make-out point as all horror films should. While engaging in some freak nasty almost XXX type sex the boyfriend heads outside to have a smoke... that was his first mistake. Smoking causes 33% of all deaths in America, and all incidents of lung cancer (all of them I tell you) are directly smoking related. His second mistake was deciding to have that smoke while a Tae Bo trained, breaker of hearts and bones we call CARNOSAUR was out romping about. Needless to say Henrick gets his shit fucked up in no time. This leaves the three young ladies he was "studying" with in the car to engage in hot lesbian sex to calm each other down while they wait for CARNOSAUR to clear out. Unfortunately, one of the girls, Candy, screams out too loud in ecstasy and the CARNOSAUR is onto their plot. What ensues is some of the most bizarre shit I've ever seen in film history (next to the Slava Tsukerman classic Liquid Sky). First the CARNOSAUR tears the roof off the car with his razor sharp teeth. The girls look up at him frightened for their lives, but then an odd calm overtakes them all. They seem to be quite aroused by the CARNOSAUR's huge mouth and giant tongue. The CARNOSAUR, instead of killing these girls right away, gives them a small taste of heaven by probing them with his tongue. The girls are so into it they don't notice when he starts eating each of them one by one. That's just the first ten minutes!
The plot slowly unravels and we see CARNOSAUR going from town to town getting into all sorts of adventures and have crazy barn sex with all manner of animal. It turns out CARNOSAUR is gaining materials to create the ultimate CARNOSAUR which he simply calls: "ULTIMATE CARNOSAUR". Most people think that CARNOSAUR is just a big, stupid, violent Dinosaur... but they couldn't be further from the truth. CARNOSAUR is much like Bruce Banner. By day he's a super intelligent nuclear physicist. However, when you make him angry he gets a mean streak in him. Granted, he doesn't change into the Incredible Hulk, but his appearance doesn't need to change when inside his emotions are a twisted and tangled. He will destroy anything in his path, and the only way to quench his thirst for blood is hot sex.
Through his travels CARNOSAUR amasses all the materials he needs and finally settles down in a small community outside of Las Vegas to finish his project. Unfortunately the NSA has been keeping an eye on our poor misunderstood hero and they feel now is the time to strike! They send an elite task force headed by Ding Chavez to CARNOSAUR's lab in order to destroy all of his work and, ultimately, CARNOSAUR himself. However, CARNOSAUR isn't going out without a fight. He cleverly set up traps outside his underground lair just in the event that this would occur. Most of Ding's task force are killed by spikes, flames, and sentry guns set up around the perimeter. A few more get caught in what we called the "Explosive Web of Utter Chaos and Destruction". This device (if you could call it that) is an intricate series of wires spread all across the main lobby of CARNOSAUR's lair. If the wires are tripped the lobby is rocked by all manner of explosions. Ding and the new girl that does everything 'by the books' are the only two that escape from CARNOSAUR's treacherous traps and they face him in a final battle.
In order to trick CARNOSAUR, the new girl comes in and tries to seduce him while the stealthy Ding creeps into his lair. CARNOSAUR knows that this is only a ruse, but he follows along as a means to lure them into a false sense of security. While he's introducing the new girl to a world of pleasures of the flesh she never thought possible, Ding makes his move by dropping a huge piece of machinery (an electron spectrometer I believe) on him. But CARNOSAUR is too crafty. He turns out of the way and the spectrometer falls on the new girl. Such a shame she had to die so young, but at least she died with a smile on her face. The next forty five minutes is an action packed duel to the death between Ding and CARNOSAUR... I won't tell you how it ends, but it had us in tears (be them tears of joy or sadness I can not say).
CARNOSAUR 2 is fun filled excitement which actually turns out like this if you drink too much before hand and sleep through most of it. As far as I know this movie is great, but according to those who saw more than six seconds of it, it sucks fat dick. My advice would be to live vicariously through the review and save this one for your children when they've been bad.
-Mr. Paul and Three Hits From the Bong
Our Rating System
Mr. Paul: "It did well in my dream, but that's as far as it goes."
Z-man: "Whoops, there goes my colon again. Must be rain a comin'!"
Eagle Te: "Let's talk about sex!"
El Santo: "My God, I hate this film. It has nothing I tell you! SEX? I've seen more sexual shit in line 8 at Piggly Wiggly! Violence? That shit I took last night was more violent than this crap! Humor? Shut the fuck up you freak, I didn't pick this shit out!! I hate it, and so should you!"
General Zod: "Can I really say that I saw this movie? No. Can I really say that it sucked? Fuck yes. All of those nameless omnipresent actors who have long been burdened with the anonymity of playing federal agent #2 finally get a chance to prove their worth, and they fuck it all up by not doing jackshit."