Child's Play
Year: 1988
Rated: R
Run Time: 95 minutes
Production Company: MGM / United Artists
Director: Tom Holland
Starring: Brad Dourif, Catherine Hicks, Chris Sarandon
T & A: Hell No
Mc Rib: Chomp

"You'll Wish It Was Only Make Believe!"

Quick fact: This film was inspired by an actual event in the mid 1980s when a parent went berserk after standing in line for hours waiting to buy a Cabbage Patch Kids doll. Okay, NOW HOW KICK ASS IS THAT? By this simple fact alone, the bad horror movie fan owes it to himself to see this classic original in a series that has climaxed in the mind boggling and simply awesome Bride of Chucky, easily one of the best bad horror movies put out this year if not the decade! The original Child's Play starts off with a serial killer named Charles Lee Ray being pursued by the police to pay for his heinous crimes. After being abandoned by his cohort who speeds off without him, Ray seeks refuge in a toy store where he is wounded by the pursuing Det. Norris. Facing certain death, he does what any of you would do, he summons the power of a voodoo god to transport his soul into one of the Good Guy dolls that lay in a pile next to him! With a final shout of vengeance to Detective Norris, Ray dies and his reign of terror is seemingly over...or maybe not. It turns out that the voodoo spell uttered by Ray before he died ACTUALLY worked and his soul lives on in a Good Guy doll bought by a loving mother named Karen for her sickeningly sweet little son named Alex. Naturally shit starts to fly as Chucky begins to use the young Alex to inadvertantly help him exact his revenge upon his enemies. Its up to Karen and Detective Norris to stop the little bastard Chucky before he succeeds in his plans and succeeds in his ultimate goal of transporting his evil and shit stained soul into the young Alex! OH DEAR!

So how does the film stack up as a bad horror movie? Well, it's hard to determine. THe film starts out rather slow (except for the ridiculous and very entertaining soul transfer scene in the very beginning) and the first couple of kills are mediocre at best. You even have to suffer through the nauseating Good Guy commercials and retard dialogue from Alex. By the first 30 minutes I would have given my left nut if i could have just spin kicked his little ass through a plate glass window at Sizzler. But take heart, goons, this film definitely does speed up and in a big way! A classic scene that will have you rolling with laughter is when the mother threatens to throw the Chucky doll into the fire unless it speaks to her and boy does it. I, Eagle Te, sat there in shock as I watched an animatronic doll face launch into one of the most foul mouthed and hate filled diatribes I have ever heard short of the time we put the 2 Live Crew tape into Z-MAN's Teddy Rukspin haven't lived until you see a talking bear talk about getting it's dick sucked and then wrap up by calling you a cum stained bitch. Just thinking about it now gets me warm all over! Anyway, after this the movie flies along at a quick pace as Chucky runs loose around the city hunting Alex and killing his voodoo master as well as attempting to kill Detective Norris! But the real reason and the reward for renting this movie lies in the last 15 minutes of this movie as you are treated to a battle of titans as the Chucky doll gnaws on necks, knocks fuckers out with baseball bats, cuts calves with knives, gets burned to a crisp in a fire, gets hit with a gat about a thousand times, and still come back for more! IN the end, one is left with a very satisified feeling upon review of this film as it is filled with some pretty funny kills (all at the end) and some of the best cursing animatronic doll action short of the Easter Bunny at the mall as he gets mugged by twelve Crips in the back parking lot. While painfully average when compared with the phenomenal Bride of Chucky, it still stands as a solid effort well worth your time, especially if you are 4ft 9in and have dormant feelings of rage against the tall, cruel world that ridicules you. For those of you who do fit this catagory...Eagle Te says HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Eat my dick, you half pint bitch! You would need a step ladder to kick my ass, bitch! And if your girlfriend is short, thats ok, Te don't discriminate when it comes to beaver. I'll give you a step ladder so you can watch me jam my moisture seeking missile into your midget girlfriend's ass while my rowdy band of Kung Fu villians play Street Fighter 2 on you Super Nintendo! EAGLE TE APPROVES!!!!

WARNING: For all of you retards who will obviously try to repeat the spell performed by Ray in the beginning of this film, Eagle Te is warning you now, DON"T DO IT! Z-Man had to try it after he killed his mom's favorite dog with one mighty kick down the stairs after it ate his Mongolian Beef...and it worked! The only problem is, the damn thing won't DIE now and repeatedly takes a shit that stinks of gym socks and cabbage on Z-Man's face every morning and even macks on his girlfriend when he's in the bathroom! SO BE WARNED! If you try this shit, you better be ready for the consequences, namely that you will look like one BIG FUCKING RETARD AND LOSER!

-Eagle Te

Our Rating System

Mr. Paul: "The only thing that really beats this is a good fuck."

Z-man: "Good, solid, sintertainment that's sure to appease the horror gods. I haven't had this much fun since I put that N.W.A. tape in my damn Teddy Ruxpin...well, except for that time I had sex with MOESHA backstage at the SOUL TRAIN MUSIC AWARDS. Whoo!"

Eagle Te: "While nowhere near as good as Bride of Chucky, Child's Play stands as a solid bad movie that makes it all well worth the price of rental by the end of the movie! A nice beginning to a series that features a half pint killer that is nowhere near as frightning as the Betsy Wetsy doll that deflowered yours truly!"

El Santo: "Being the original, you've got to give this film some props! Even though it tries to be more of a serious horror film than the later films of this series, this film does offer decent enough classic one-liners and cheap thrills to keep you going. Get it if you want to thrill your girlfriend, or just call me, I've already done it!"