Child's Play 2
Run Time: 84 minutes
Production Company: Universal
Director: John J. Lafia
Starring: Alex Vincent, Jenny Agutter, and Brad Dourif as the voice of Chucky
T & A: Hell No
You know, a wise man once said that one should never fuck a horse in the ass unless his legs are first tied down. Now I'm not exactly sure what that is supposed to mean, but for some strange reason it seems to apply perfectly to the disappointing sequel that is Child's Play 2 in that you will walk away from having watched this flick with the same confusion and revulsion as you had after reading that oh so wise saying...and possibly a boner for some of us, but I digress. The point is that Eagle Te has tirelessly searched his vast library of Kung Fu texts and has not been able to discern why the powers that be even decided to make a sequel to the impressive original Child's Play if they were going to make it as pathetic as this one. But before I pull out the old bloodstained Ream Team 96 Gi and proced to thrash this pathetic piece of shit, let me keep you slaves to the Te dick panting as I tease you with a quick plot summary.
Our favorite dickhead kid, Andy, from the original Child's Play is back but not all is peaches and cream...except in Te's peaches and cream filled whirlpool where Jennifer Love Te and Alyssa Malano are getting naughty with my harem of female Amish prostitutes. Unfortunately for Andy, his mom has had a nervous breakdown (gee...imagine that...maybe she read the script for the sequel) and as a result of the seemingly crazy story being preached by Andy he is being floated around various foster homes. While Andy's life is going down the shitter, the Good Guy toy company is scrambling to polish up their toy's tarnished image after the string of murders surrounding it from the first one. So naturaly they obtain the charred remains of the original Chucky doll and rebuild it! Unfortunately for the team of doll makers, their efforts resurrect the dead killer in the doll and what ensues is one of the few amusing scenes in the movie as cheap ass lightning surround the doll and fries the dollmakers to a crisp! The look on the sales executive's face is classic as he watches the festivities in horror and by this time 'ol Eagle Te was sporting a massive hard on and looking forward to a sequel of epic proportions. Unfortunately for the old Sweet Te Cannon, he had been cruelly teased (yes, teased even more than in the Murder She Wrote in Miami Beach episode...TAKE OFF THAT DAMN THONG, ANGELA! DON'T TEASE ME BY STRADDLING THAT BEACH BALL UNLESS YOU REALLY MEAN IT YOU WHORE!) and there wouldn't be a hint of a decent kill until the very end! No shit people, this sequel is pathetic and I think it is safe to say that this stands as the weakest entry in the entire series and is an embarassment to the bad horror movie as we know it today. Why such harsh criticism? Try the fact that every kill except for the first and the last suck major ass and the only ones who buy it (a total of four in all between the first kill and the last funny ass kill) are dispatched with a pathetic plastic bag over the head, single stab wound and beating with a ruler, an oh so traumatizing fall down the stairs and broken neck, and death by crochet at the hands of an errant sewing machine...oh wait, there is one more death...another stab wound...OH DEAR! Weak. That is all that can describe this pathetic effort at a horror film and this one offers few laughs and more than a lot of boredom as any attempt to watch this film for the duration is tedious at best. However, there is one saving grace to this film and that is the final 10 minutes where Andy and his new found foster sister battle Chucky in a Good Guy doll warehouse. Besides some funny scenes of Chucky getting fucked up by various assembly line hazards, there is one priceless scene where the factory attendant buys it by having a pair of doll eyes mechanicly shoved into his sockets...NOW THAT'S ENTERTAINMENT! Besides the first kill and the last ten minutes of the movie, Child's Play 2 stands as a hollow, uninspired, and weak sequel in a series that is otherwise known for it's ridiculous and hilarious cursing doll animatronics and wacky deaths at the hand of one ferocious little bastard that we all know and love as Chucky! All around pathetic and one to avoid at all costs because Eagle Te (and nine out of ten sex slaves agree, the tenth is catatonic) says so! EAGLE TE DEFINITELY DOES NOT APPROVE!!!
Our Rating System
Mr. Paul: "A pathetic excuse for a horror film that leaves you very unsatisfied. However, if this wasn't made, they wouldn't have made it to Bride of Chucky and then where would we be?"
Z-man: "A miniscule body count and lame ass psychosexual therapy sessions are just the icing on this frigid turd cake. Don't let the toy factory death orgy at the end of the film tempt your tummy: this sequel is weak as hell. If it wasn't for the hilarious cursing doll animatronics, this one would be a complete waste of rhyme."
Eagle Te: "Without a doubt the weakest in the series and one to avoid if possible. Do yourself a favor and watch the Golden Girls episode of Baywatch instead...It's electrifying!"