Child's Play 3
Run Time: 89 minutes
Production Company: Universal
Director: Jack Bender
Starring: Justin Whalin, Perrey Reeves, Jeremy Sylvers, and Brad Dourif as the voice of Chucky
T & A: Hell No
Now That Hit The: Spot
Scared of small things? Sure you are. At least you should be considering the fact that most homicidal gang rapes are committed by MIDGETS; those short, little stubby bastards that torment small school children for their CLEOPATRA concert tour T-shirts; those same litle bastards that invented NEW COKE and shamelessly fuck your girlfriend while you're away at a tournament making the world safe for Forrest Warrior Kung Fu. Never mind the fact that she enjoyed it and had the time of her life having the train run on her by those little short freaks with their damn oak tree stump sized cocks...the fact is that Te don't play that shit and will drop some Ninja Magic on those bastards before they can say Mandara. What's the point? That you SHOULD fear CHUCKY as his minute size allows him to dodge in and out of any environment with deadly ease!! And even though yours truly was severely disappointed by the grizzley sized shit fest that was Child's Play 2, there was still a kernal of hope in Eagle Te that not only would Child's Play 3 make up for all the ground lost in the second one, but that maybe, just maybe, Murdoch would someday defeat MACGUYVER with his panzy ass ingenuity and Quaker style.
Before I satisfy your girlfriend for the third time in five minutes, here is a quick plot summary for those of you who are oblivious to what the third installment in the Chuck series is all about. It's a significant number of years later from where we left off in Child's Play 2 as Andy is now a teenager and attending a military school. However, those nasty corporate executive types are up to no good again as they decide AGAIN to reinstitute the gay ass Good Guy doll series despite the negative publicity. In so doing, however, they inadvertantly use parts and plastics that are still inhabited by the soul of Charles Lee Ray, the serial killer who became trapped in the dolls after invoking a voodoo spell as he lay dying in a toystore in the first one. Now regenerated, Chucky goes to the military academy to finish off Andy and trasport his soul into a new and younger victim so that he may continue his evil work in a new and regenerated body!
Sounds Great. But does it suck? Surprisingly, the answer is no as Child's Play 3 represents the low point of the series (to this point) in terms of seriousness and taste (the followup Bride of Chucky blows this one out of the water in that department, however) and that's GOOD as you will be treated to cheap ass one liners and stupid ass kills in an amusing setting to boot! Some of the better scenes include the opening scene where the CEO of the company that produces the Good Guy dolls goes through a gauntlet of torment that includes being slammed to the floor by stumbling on some well placed marbles, a whole series of darts thrown on strategic points of his body, and the humiliating experience of having one of the more funny (and excruciating) one liners in the film delivered upon his demise when Chucky utters the immortal words, "DON'T FUCK WITH CHUCK!" Yes, its the little things like this that count in the long run and this scene definitely delivers the goods as it had the crew here at NOTC laughing in utter glee...that's right, GLEE! Perhaps the most entertaining scene is the final chase through the carnival, however, as some of the best moments in the film follow one another in rapid succession! YOu'll be treated to a truly stupendous stumble down from the hilltop on the haunted house ride that had Te hitting the rewind button hard as hell as this poor fucker BITES IT hardcore...it has to be seen to be believed! The best moments in this end scene involve the fucking up of Chucky, though. The look on the Chucky doll's face when his hand gets blown off is priceless and the utter carnage when the doll falls into the blades of a ventilation fan makes you think that they must have taken about fifty pounds of bologna and thrown it into the fan as the doll erupts in a mountainous eruption of flesh and blood...you'll be in stunned awe, believe me! All is not shits and giggle with Child's Play 3, however, as quite frankly the strong points are counterbalanced by some pretty lame dialogue and not to mention some FUCKING POOR kills. Need an example? Try the fact that Chucky kills the commander of the military school by giving him a HEART ATTACK. PLEASE! That sucks BALLS! Do something lie shoot him with a toy cannon or smack him with phone, anything but NATURAL CAUSES! There are also some pretty slow times in the film as well, so be warned. Overall, though, Child's Play 3 comes off pretty damn well, especially if you just got through watching the wretched second one and stands as well worth a rental for it's cheesiness factor alone! EAGLE TE APPROVES!!!!!
Our Rating System
Mr. Paul: "Ahh yes, 'Don't fuck with the Chuck.' The same words that guy at Kroger told me when I stuck my dick in the hamburger meat. God, I miss Patty."
Z-man: "Ever get the feeling you're being watched? No? Neither does Child's Play 3: a panty-waist sequel with crooked nipples and way too much butt hair. It's plagued by a bunch of lame ass kills and some truly wretched one-liners. But to be fair, there are some great scenes to be found... particularly when Chucky starts getting blown apart piece by piece in the apocalyptic fun park showdown... But the bottom line remains unchanged: I'd rather get Touched by An Angel in a private, naughty place than suffer through this one again."
Eagle Te: "A pretty damn good installment in the Chucky series but some truly kick ass moments are tragicly offset by some wasted potential like only one death from Chucky's switching of the wargame paint ammo to LIVE rounds. Otherwise, rent it for some truly entertaining scenes complete with cheap ass dialogue to get it WET!"
General Zod: "The first half of the movie: 45 minutes of my time. The second half of the movie: 45 minutes of my time. The POV shot with Chucky and the freshly slain barber: Priceless."