Children of the Corn 5: Fields of Terror

Year: 1998
Rated: R
Run Time: 90 odd minutes
Production Company: Punch Pony Productions Ltd.
Director: Ethan Wiley (House 2: The Second Story)
Starring: David Carradine, Fred Williamson, Rudy Toot
T & A: Hell No
That's Some: Cold Shit

"They're All Ears!"

Children Of The Corn 5! Well well my friends, aren't we in for a treat. Just sit right back and listen to my tale about this unholy flick, that we like to call Pussylip. In fact, if you can find the word pussylip in this review and send an email to FuckOff@YouSuck.cum, then you'll win today's Grand Prize! Now, on to the booty action you've been waiting for.

Children of the Corn 5 starts off in much the same manner as the first four do: you've got whores, and sluts, and pimps... all under the age of 15 and led by a small boy with an Amish name! Well, these little pricks encounter a crazed group of British students on vacation. And the tale revolves around them running around and trying not to fall into a big wheat mill. Now these British vacationers won't sound British, and by god they might not dress British, but if there is one thing I know I can do- It's spot one of those Yellow belly bastards from a mile away!

So those fucking UK bastards fight the evil mystic powers of He Who Walks Behind That Pussylipped Corn and through the use of baking soda and some holy as hell words, they send him back to the 1st Plane of Hell to play with the Queen of Darkness. (Tiamat for those of you who owned Monster Manual One)

There are a nice set of Ta Tas in this movie, but all that damn whore does is tease us with her tight ass and nut busting tits! FUCK YOU, you little cream puff bastard of a slut. Damn it, what's with this world, why don't girls get naked anymore in movies? They did it in the 80's, and we loved them for it! What, do they think they're above that? Reality Check BITCH, you're in Children of the Corn 5, which means guest starring on Bump 'n and Fuck'n would be a step up for you. That show on TNT with all the chimps would be an improvement. So why don't you drop your pants and show us your tits next time. And while your at it, suck my cock!

El Santo Saz: There's a reason why I didn't talk much about the movie, You figure it out. WHORE!!!


Our Rating System

Z-man: "Easily the weakest corn on the COTR cob, the FIELDS OF TERROR are apparently fertilized with shit. The dragging plotline is saved by two things: 1.) Erotic Pantomime and 2.) The scene where David Carradine's head splits open, revealing a flamethrowing nozzle of some sort that promptly melts Fred Williamson's face off. That scene alone (which really is in this fucking movie, unlike everything that El Santo said) is so insane that it almost makes renting this festering pile of pengo shit worth while. ALMOST."

Eagle Te: "Running neck and neck with Corn 4 for the worst in the entire series, Corn 5 wins out as the better of the two simply by the presence of David Carradine and Fred Williamson who combine to create what is probably one of the funniest scenes in horror movie history. Wathcing Carradine's head split open and shoot a bolt of hot loving through Williamson's head is pure bliss...aaahhhhhhh!"

El Santo: "No comment."