Children of the Corn 666: Isaac's Return
Run Time: 81 minuti
Production Company: Buena Vista Home Video
Director: Keri Skogland (Nothing Too Good for a Cowboy, The Size of Watermelons)
Starring: John Franklin, Benjamin Franklin, Stacy Keach, Nancy Allen
T & A: Hell No
Sloth: Love Chunk
Enter: A Small Midwestern Town. Exit: The Fucking Room. For you are about to embark upon the shittiest horror experience this side of Queen Latifah's haunted anal hayride. It's called CHILDREN OF THE CORN 666: ISAAC's RETURN. I'm called A FAT FUCKING IDIOT 666 for ever letting this Hillbilly Boot-Town Buttfuck into the comfort of my own home, for giving EL SANTO citizenship, and for thinking that BARONESS loved me for anything but my swivel-arm kung-fu dick. But peep this: tis a well known fact that I am fluent in three languages (jive, honkese, and C++). That makes me a polyglot. Now listen up, cause here's what I polyglot for your bitch ass: the lowdown for this shit-tipped horror dizznick CHILDREN OF THE CORN 666.
Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, Shits are from Uranus, and Muppets Shrunk My Penis. At least, that's what I thought until I saw "CHILDREN OF THE CORN 666". It was then that I learned the Syntax Error of my ways. Yes, that was a day in which I learned a lot about growing up. And a day I'll never forget... just like that Armstice Day when Kaiser Wilhelm stole my fruit roll-up and shat on my new Zips. January 15th, 1904: a day that will forever live in anal infamy. A day that I was taught a lesson by Professor X, Project X, Malcom X, and that seven year old Korean fucker who challenged me to a game of TEKKEN 3 at the Mall (fuck you Yip Kim Il). Here's what I learned:
A.) Shits aren't from Uranus, they're from Blockbuster Video.
B.) Babies come from eBay
C.) You'd better make sure your cat is declawed before you try to fuck it in the ass.
All in all, I'd have to say it was a bad day. I had to use my AK. And to make matters worse, I also found out that for years (as opposed to 4-Life), My Pal 2 secretly hated me for playing a game of ring toss on his head. Yes, just like Yokozuna's wife... my life sucked fat cock.
Somehow I had hoped that screening CHILDREN OF THE CORN 666: ISAAC'S RETURN would make the hurting stop. OK, so I'm an idiot, but fuck off: Isaac always made me laugh on THE LOVE BOAT, especially when he got midgets drunk and made them walk the plank. And hell, I loved the URBAN HARVEST like a woman loves sufferage, so how could I go wrong? So what if I never saw CHILDREN OF THE CORN PARTS 5-665? I loved LEONARD PART 6 and I never saw any of its prequels... CATHOLICK SCHOOLGIRLS 3: ORAL EXAM was no different... and just like ALF's season finale, both those flicks got me horny. I figured that CHILDREN OF THE CORN 666 would be the same way. I mean, after 660 fucking sequels, you'd think they'd get the formula down, right?
Well goddammit, it looks like they got something down alright: Down Fucking Syndrome. I'm sorry to report that ISAAC'S RETURN: SPECIAL EDITION is an angry avatar of the Crooked Cunt Syndicate. It's the kind of wretched google-eyed shiteater we've come to know and loathe here at the NOTC & C Music Factory: a horror movie with no titty, no gore, and no credit.
But I know you won't get the fuck off my land until I give you a little plot, so here you go:
Meet Hannah. She's all woman (except for that mysterious bulge in her pants). She likes poetry, moonlit walks on the beach, and thinks that unicorns kick ass. She's also been adopted, and is searching the midwest for her birth mother. Along the way, she stops and picks up a strange hitchiker who reveals disturbing facts about her life through Bible verses. After he quotes Luke 4:15 as saying "Back that ass up", Hannah dumps him on the side of the road and speeds off into the sunset.
Hannah didn't recognize him at the time (because she never saw ANDY AND THE AIRWAVE RANGERS (1997)), but that diabolical bible-thumping bastard was actually the notorious John Franklin: a.k.a. Isaac a.k.a. the evil little bastard from the original CHILDREN OF THE CORN MOVIE... all grown up.
So where is Hannah now? In Gatlin, Nebraska, a.k.a. Deep Shit, Population: 1. It turns out that her biological mother had something to do with the massacres of yore (as well as throbbing Norweigan cock), and while Hannah desperately tries to uncover her own past... Isaac is busy seducing a new generation of cultists to do his evil bidding. Hannah gets caught up in Isaac's (Ass) Holy War, and is forced to ban together with... oh, I don't know: a handsome drifter, a washed-up NFL quarterback, and the exiled King of France in order to stomp some pagan cornfield shit. Can she save the city, the titty, and the Homecoming Committee before DJ He Who Walks Behind The Rows makes a comeback? Can she save the orphanage from destruction? And finally, can she please find out who the fuck stole my copy of Big Bad Booty Bass Vol. XXL?
The answers to your questions, since you asked so nicely: are yes, yes, and that asshole Dusty Rhodes.
However, the answers to why I rented this sagging Welsh tit jamboree are a bit more troubling. It fucking sucked. It was like having HORDAK repeatedly slam your testicles in a waffle iron and then inviting John Popper and Bulbasaur over to breakdance all up in your anal ampitheatre. Don't let the fact that I made everything in this review up fool you- ISAAC's RETURN is the bottom of the COTC barrel... and considering there's doo doo like FIELDS OF TERROR down there already: that's no small feat. Bottom line? No tits, no gore, no service. Fuck this movie in the ass with a ham.
Our Rating System
Z-man: "Further proof that I'm getting too old for this shit. Just when you thought Children of the Corn could sink no lower on the NOTC food chain, along comes this chunky ass burger. Easily the worst offering in the Corn series, LEONARD PART 666 is about as much fun as having Thor bite your titty."
Eagle Te: "Pending"
El Santo: "Pending"
ISAAC'S REVENGE: YE OLD SHIT LISTE INDUCTEE (1/18/00)