Children of the Corn III: Urban Harvest
Run Time: 92 minutes
Production Company: Trans Atlantic Entertainment, Dimension Films
Director: James D.R. Hickox
Starring: Daniel Cerny, Ron Melendez, Jim Metzler
T & A: Hell No
For those of you who have never seen an Amish woman churn butter naked, or never seen an Amish child throw up on a roller coaster at an amusement park.... you probably don't associate the Amish community with rip-roarin', shit-spittin' entertainment. In fact, you probably associate them with quilts, barn raising, and butter beans at the county fair. However, once you feast your weary eyes upon CHILDREN OF THE CORN III: URBAN HARVEST, you might just change your mind. Granted, the film won't treat you to any images of hot Amish lesbians engaged in a variety of perverse sex acts with horse-drawn plows... but it'll definitely satiate your appetite for destruction. There's enough mutilations, electrocutions, sickle-induced deaths, and funny looking hats to keep even the most jaded buggy builder in the barn grinning 'til Lent. And all this hilarity set against the backdrop of CORN. Sweet and Golden, delicious CORN: Master of the Vegetable Group!
The plot of CHILDREN OF THE CORN III: URBAN HARVEST, which is chock full of VITAMIN C, just like the corn it so proudly represents, goes a little something like this:
After the murderous events of the first two "CORN" movies left the sleepy little town of Gatling, Nebraska without any pieces of adults large enough to tend to unruly children- the government has stepped in and sent all the Amish Death Kids away to seperate foster homes for their own good. Our sordid tale revovles around two brothers from Gatling, Joshua and Eli, who are sent away to Chicago to live with a well-to-do set of foster parents. Unceremoniously dumped upon this urban sprawl, the two brothers rapidly begin to distinguish themselves apart. Joshua (the "Good One") really enjoys shootin' hoops with the homies, acting fly/dope/crazy fresh, and actually catches him a little case of JUNGLE FEVER. Eli (the "Evil One") on the other hand, who was always laughed at in school because....well, he's an ewok, reveals to the world that he is no mere mild-mannered Amish kid with a hormonal imbalance. Oh yes, Eli reveals his allegience to the patron Demon-God of Corn known as "He Who Walks Behind The Rows"! As a good little servant of "He Who", Eli has brought along a suitcase full of magical...EVIL... corn kernels with which to grow a home for his Dark Master. He does this by scattering the seeds in the courtyard of an old, abandoned warehouse near his foster home. The seeds, watered with the blood of unsuspecting victims lured to their doom by the tantalizing prospect of hot corn a flyin', soon grows into a full fledged field of doom. Eli also reveals that he has some pretty bad ass PSYCHIC POWERS. He can use his mind to create realistic illusions, take over the minds of victims- making them his Corn Slaves of the Apocalypse, shoot fireballs(!), make and basically fuck things up. (One of the nastier scenes involves Eli having dinner with a local family, in which he causes their half-digested meals to turn into swarms of COCKROACHES within their innards... which promptly explode out of every orifice in their bodies.) So, with Eli's army of brainwashed mind-slaves slowly increasing, and his dreams of Corn Fed Armageddon inching ever closer to realization, brother Joshua realizes that something is decidedly fucked up here. Eli has plans to summon HE WHO WALKS BEHIND THE ROWS to this world in order to take it over and make the world a clean and safe place where kids rule. Kind of like the Burger King Kids' Club... only with more killing. Good Brother Joshua soon realizes this, and right after he knocks boots with his best friend's sister (yo, who says Amish can't lay pipe?), he decides to knuckle up and stop this shit once and for all!
Why Eli doesn't use his Jedi Mind Tricks to get laid is beyond us... but he DOES use them to summon up the giant demon HE WHO WALKS BEHIND THE ROWS to fuck up several hundred teenage morons (and level several Chicago city blocks) at the end of film... and that merits honorable mention. But MY GOD, this movie is hysterical! The special effects used in all the grisly, demonic kills (and there are A LOT OF THEM) are surprisingly original and fucking awesome! Hell, the CORN itself is responsible for about 35% of the kills in the film alone... and it whips ass! Laugh if you want, but when you see a corn stalk rip out a guy's spinal column and hoist it up on high like something out of MORTAL KOMBAT... you'll think twice before you consider CORN a "side dish" ever again. In addition to all the bizarre mayhem throughout the body of the film- the ENDING is simply over the top. When HE WHO WALKS BEHIND THE ROWS comes to town (a slavering 200 foot tall pillar of murderous tentacles, eyes, gaping maws, and flopping genetalia), the shit goes into maximum overdrive. Simply dozens of crazy kills of every description imaginable! A jaded fuck's dream come true! However, not ALL is shits and giggles with URBAN HARVEST. The long-winded "disciples of the corn" speeches can begin to get a bit repetitive and lame after a while... and there are a few stretches without too much action in them (known as "talky bits" to you Limey Bastards in the UK). Still, despite these relatively minor flaws- CHILDREN OF THE CORN III is a great little horror flick in its own right: bloody, morally offensive, and stupid as hell. It's a great addition to what is shaping up to be a great series of schlock horror and one that, in my opinion, greatly outshines its predecessor CHILDREN OF THE CORN II.
Our Rating System
Mr. Paul: "Better than the first two but not better than American Ninja 2... but what is, really? The kills were awesome, the vomiting priest was astounding, and it will be hard to forget when G.I. Joe was eaten by the monster. It's a solid pick you can take home to mama... that is if she's deaf, dumb, blind, and a disco freak maniac."
Z-Man: "With more corn than grandpa's shit, URBAN HARVEST is a great sequel that just barely misses a FOUR STAR rating! Definitely a classic addition to what is turning out to be a hysterically fun series of utter sin stained garbage! The film's END BOSS simply has to be seen to be believed!"
El Santo: "This great flick adds just what the audiance wants in the third part of the series! Instead of that lame old Corn Field, we have Satanic Kids from the 'hood! That's what I want to see! The end will leave you wondering: Can it get any better than this???"
Eagle Te: "I thought I liked Corn 2 better than this one but the end where the giant corn demon fucks up his followers finally put this one over the top. The absolutely shitty animatronic split second scene where the puppet is obviously picking up a black doll was simply too awesome!!! Check out the part where the black secretary learns that smoking is VERY bad for your health!!! Any movie where the Amish get some poontangin' gets three stars in Te's book!!!"
SPECIAL CREEP THANKS
Although all of us here at NIGHT OF THE CREEPS are thankless pig-fuckers who don't love their mamas, we WOULD like to extend a hand (that smells like ass) of thanks out to the gang of colon-tickling primate thunderchunk buttchins that recommended this excellent flick to all of us. Without the help of pimpmistress ADIA, (p)ISSY, the commode-o dragon heself ACID PLUNGE, some fucker named JOE, and that retarded kid they keep around named WHEELS... we never would have experienced the wholesome goodness of cannibal corn. Thanks be to all of you furious fucks. Now will you leave us all the fuck alone?