Children of the Corn IV: The Gathering
Run Time: 85 minutes
Production Company: Dimension Films
Director: Greg Spence
Starring: Naomi Watts, Karen Black, William Windon
T & A: Hell No
We here at Night of the Creeps have nothing but love for those hos that keep churning out the increasingly ridiculous Children of the Corn films that seem to get better and better with every increasing digit. I mean, look at Children of the Corn 2...Corn on the cob impallings and wheelchair grannies getting hit by Mack trucks and hurtled through the window of the local Bingo parlor beg the question "How can it get any better?" The answer my friends lies in Children of the Corn 3 with a subtitle like Urban Harvest, slam dunking Amish, poontanging Amish, and slaughter of retard teenagers by a Giant mutant beast Corn diety..whew. Again, the question: "Can it get any better?" I'm sure it can, but unfortunately Children of the Corn 4 fails to meet the standards set by it's illustrious predecessors. How? Why? What went wrong? Well, if you'll shut the fuck up for a minute, Perry Mason, I'll tell you if you will be so illustrious predecessors. How? Why? What went wrong? Well, if you'll shut the fuck up for a minute, Perry Mason, I'll tell you if you will be so kind as to read on...
First of all, if you have seen any of the other Children of the Corn films, you wouldn't ask what the plot is...you would know that it concerns corn demon possession and children fucking up the hopelessly out of touch older generation. The only question is where is it set? The answer is not Chicago like it's predecessor, but in a small Nebraska town where strange happenings have the small children of the community hacking up their parents and any other adult they can get their hands on. Sounds good huh? Well, unfortunately, Children of the Corn 4 damn near falls completely on it's face as for the majority of the film you will find yourself BORED senseless. There simply isn't enough action or stupid dialogue in this instalment of the Corn series to hold your attention for very long. You might be asking whether or not this film is even worth your time. THe answer is YES! While the film may be boring for nearly 90% of the time, the few kills in this movie are funny as hell and top notch no matter how you cut it! You simply have to see the grandfatherly doctor get cut in half by a runaway gurney at the hands of the Corn Twins of Pain! matter how you cut it! You simply have to see the grandfatherly doctor get cut in half by a runaway gurney at the hands of the Corn Twins of Pain! There are other similarly amusing kills in this one that make it worth your while but I won't tell you about them as your gooney asses can go and watch them for yourself...HA HA...Thats right, bitches...it's the curse of Te! Just like that twelve hours it took you to get that nut off with that 300 pound Samoan whore, you'll just have to sit through this tedious odyssey of boring and excruciating pain if you want to see the scenes that make this one worth while! There is a way out, however. Te is accepting anybody's first born in exchange for the secrets of the awesome kills that are in this one! Why only your first born and not:
ASS: Reason: I'm trying to cut back
TITTIES: Reason: Tempting, but Jennifer Love Te has me more than satisfied...
MONEY: Reason: No need...Kung Fu villain steal what they need.
POONTANG: Reason: Your mother's are giving more than I can handle already!
TAE-BO TAPES AND ACCOMPANYING TAE-BO FORCE ACTION FIGURES: Aw Fuck it, I'll accept that too!
The grand reason that I am accepting first borns AS WELL AS multiple copies of the vaunted Billy Blanks Tae-Bo tapes is that I am currently training my own underground army of Kung Fu villians that will soon be terrorizing a town near you! Even children with physical defects are welcome, preferably with wheelchairs, as my Te legions will require a mobile element to run you pussies down on your HUFFY 2000s. I know what your thinking..."If he can catch us on our ultra light weight Huffy 2000s, then there really is no escape!" The bitch is that you're right...there is no escape sucka, so you might as well give up all your pornos and old He Man action figures cause Te is coming collecting! Any attempts to hide Stinkor action figures or copies of Assjammers 9 will meet with severe penalties as Ookla the Mock is quite prepared to sit on your face and wiggle while singing the theme song to Growing Pains! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!
Eagle Te Approves.
Our Rating System
Mr. Paul: "Where do I begin? This shit sucked."
Z-Man: "The fourth installment in the Saga of the Corn is an experiment in fucking pain. The kills are seperated by King Kong Buddha Dong sized periods of intense boredom- and because of this, THE GATHERING will put more asses to sleep than a couple queludes and a good hard shag. Still, the kills themselves are pretty damn impressive, so if you fancy yourself a masochist- by all means, dive right in. "
Eagle Te: "Boring as shit for most of the movie, but the few kills in this one are simply top notch and require your viewing to truly appreciate some hysterical moments."