Year: 2001
Rated: R
Run Time: 95 minutes
Production Company: Filmax International
Director: Stuart Gordon (Re-Animator, From Beyond, Castle Freak)
Starring: Ezra Godden, Francisco Rabal, Raquel Moreno, Macarena Gomez
T & A: Si, Entonces
Spoiler Alert: You're Gay

"Go Fish."

Thereís been a rumor going around that Merman, a.k.a. He-Manís trusted friend and shower buddy, is a homosexual because he was seen playing Bear Goes Where with Mike Piazza in Central Park. Well, you can put that silly idea to rest, honcho, because if you know anything about mer-people, itís that they like to fuck the way God intended them to Ė with tentacles tickling that clit Python-style. This brings us to Stuart Gordonís confusingly titled epic about a mysterious fishing village. First of all, there wasnít a single goddamn dragon in this whole movie Ė not even a friendly dragon or a tattooed villain who called himself dragon or a midget with a Doberman named Dragon or even a Doberman with a midget named Dragon. But if you can get past this glaring flaw, what the movie does offer however is fish, but not just any kind of fish Ė manfish. Or is that fishmen?

When a pasty, young millionaire refuses to have sex with his hot bronzed girlfriend (complete with accent) while sailing off the coast of Spain, a strange cloud of vapor, similar to the one once launched by Eagle Te after Z-Man refused to spoon him, overtakes the humble vessel and forces said dumb executive and said hot wench to seek help in the nearby fishing village. However, the people of the village prove to be of little help because they are not really people. They are fish. (Note: If you say ďfish sticksĒ fast enough, it sounds like ďfish dicksĒ)

After the millionaire loses track of his girlfriend, he finds himself entangled in the Sea World ride from hell. No, not the one where Shamu rapes you in the otter tank. Thatís Ooklaís ultimate fantasy. This is the one where webbed priests and gilled concierges are waiting at every turn hoping to catch you and either impregnate you or skin you alive. This is in essence a zombie movie where the zombies can breathe underwater, and with zombie rules carrying us from mishap to mishap, our new money poster boy must use whatever he can find to defend himself including toilet tank lids, cell phones, and even his foot. He gives one amphibious mongoloid a kick to the Frankenberries thatíll make you say Cunt Chocula tastes grrrrrreat! Half-way through this snork gauntlet, however, our ill-fated hero comes face to face with a mermaid who wants nothing more than to stick her face in his lobster tank and not be picky about it. But, as is the nature of the skeptic, he canít just enjoy himself. He has to question everything and worry about shit thatís not even relevant. Crabs be damned! This isnít high school. Go for it, junior.

There are many advantages to mermaids. One, they can suck your dick in a hot tub without having to come up for air and without having to use that infernal contraption that El Santo invented to allow himself to do the same while working as Mankindís publicist on his book tour. Secondly, the lower half of a mermaid is all tail. You know what that means? It means you sensitive blokes can stick it in her butt and still look lovingly into her eyes. Thatís the option that Humpty-Hump forgot about: E) Merfuck that bitch. The merfuck is similar to the mother fuck, except itís underwater and itís legal. God bless the loopholes in maritime law. No noise and no getting clowned by your friends. And donít forget the tartar sauce. Despite the fact that they like the water, sometimes mermaids can get real dry.

That being said, this movie does have a little of everything you look for in such a movie, but nothing that makes you quit your job and join the war on freedom. This one really tests your love of titty. Not only do they tease you with a near glance at some saggy, middle-aged, mother-approved tea-cups on a character who looks like sheís just three paychecks shy of her first Rascal, but the climax of the movie features some really spectacular knockers surrounded by a naked body thatís been sliced up like red snapper. Talk about inner-conflict. So while your looking at this fair maidenís own red snapper, one hand on your dick, the other hand on your stomach, and the other one making a piss sign, youíre wondering if your social security private account is going to cover your therapy forty years from now. Now thatís a kick to the Frankenberries.

-General Zod

Our Rating System

Mr. Paul: "From now on, you'll be cursed with the knowledge that every fish stick you eat (be it from my old lady or otherwise) has "been" with Dagon. By "been", I mean "fucked by". By Dagon, I mean "Chad in aisle seven". Dip that shit in horsey sauce."

Z-man: "Far superior to both DRINKON and SNACKON, DAGON proves that Stuart Gordon is the only director worthy of gargling H.P. Lovecraft's literary love chum. Who knew fish-fucking could be this much fun? I mean, besides Aqua Man?"

Ookla The Mok: "Pending."

General Zod: "Monday: fish dicks. Tuesday: fish dicks. Wednesday: fish dicks. Thursday: . . . . . . . fish dicks. Friday: pizza."