The Dead Pit

Year: 1989
Rated: R
Run Time: 90 minutes
Production Company: Cornerstone
Director: Brett Leonard (The Lawnmower Man, Lawnmower Man 2: Jobe's War, Hideaway, Virtuosity)
Starring: Danny Gochnauer, Cheryl Lawson, Jeremy Slate
T & A: HELL YES!!!
Beefy: Hoo Hoo

"They're Out!"

Ladies and genitals... for over 10 years THE DEAD PIT has stared blankly at you from the video store shelf. It has sat there, right next to I COME IN PEACE and KINJITE: FORBIDDEN SUBJECTS, for over a decade. It watched you grow up, healthy and strong. It watched you sneak over to the "Seductive" section of the store when your parents were trying to decide which CITY SLICKERS to rent. It watched you get pissy and throw a fit when your mom wouldn't let you rent THE GREAT MUPPET CAPER because she thought Jim Henson had AIDS. Hell, it even saw you pick a booger out of your nose and wipe it on SOLARBABIES when no one else was looking. Yes, THE DEAD PIT saw you at your best and your worst, but through it all... it just sat there on the shelf silently... and loved.

Well, now it's time to give some of that love back, yo. It's time to step right up to THE DEAD PIT, look deeply into those green, blinking eyes on the cover of the box and say: "Hey there sugar, I see you lookin'." With a line like that: how can THE DEAD PIT refuse? Simple. It can't. But 15 minutes after PLAY was mashed, you'll wish to God it had. The fact is, after lounging for 10 years on the shelf at the local Shitmonger Video Circus without a single damn rental, THE DEAD PIT has turned horny and mean. You've ignored it for over a decade- and now that it's got you right where it wants you: it's gonna exact some payback on your wack ass. So grip your bottom lip, because THE DEAD PIT has a hot-magma load of angry purple shit to pump you full of. With 10 long years of repression to work out in 90 minutes, you know it's not going to let you walk away without a limp.

And here's why...

Ever seen the girl on the cover of the LATINO BIG BAD BOOTY BASS CD? You know, the one with an ass like an ampitheater? Well, she stars in this swillhouse shitfest as JANE DOE: a amnesiac who has just been committed to a mental hospital made notorious back in the 70s for being the site of some grisly murders. It seems that back in the late 1970s one of the hospital's staff members, Doctor Ramzi, began kidnapping retards from the clinic in order to conduct hideous experimental surgeries on them in his secret sub-basement lab. His "failures" would have their mangled corpses catapulted into a deep pit below the hospital where they were left to rot. Dr. Ramzi's colleagues soon caught wind of his diabolical scheme and buried him alive in the basement... never to mention his name again.

However, when Jane Doe arrives at the hospital, she soon discovers that she has some startling psychic powers... which just happen to raise the evil Dr. Ramzi (and his legions of cadaverous retard test subjects) from the grave. Now the mass grave beneath the hospital is spewing forth a neverending army of the hungry cannibal dead, and the zombified Doctor Ramzi is leading them on a crusade for flesh & blood into the building above. Retards, handicaps, and hapless (dis)orderlies are all struck down by the foaming undead pack in an orgy of terrifying ferocity. Can Jane Doe escape? Will she be able to lead her rag-tag bunch of mentally retarded inmates to victory over the necrotic horde? Will she uncover the shocking truth of her secret identity?

Honestly now, who gives a fuck about any of these questions? The $10,000 Slamboree Quiz Question that everyone's asking is: DOES SHE GET NAKED? Well, in a word: yes. In two words: yes sir. The scene where Latitas Grandes reveals her spicy Mestizo milk spheres to the world is priceless. I mean, Jesus (hay-soos)- she gets her paper thin hospital gown blasted off of her by a sadistic lesbian nurse with a fire hose!!! Even better is the fact that if you look closely: you can see the "invisible" string that the special effects guys used to rip the shirt off of her heaving mammalian pleasure lobes! We were so ecstatic that we checked the closing credits to see just who the hell was pulling the strings in THE DEAD PIT, and you'll be happy to know that it was none other than FX wizard ED MARTINEZ: teetlord supreme, fellow hispanic, and lover of all things titular. Way to go Ed!

But other than the 3.5 seconds of Double-O WHOO that Jane Doe's big honking titties (con carne) bestow upon the viewing public... THE DEAD PIT is a mixed bag. Much like my nut bag, which contains cashews, almonds, and a honey-roasted standardized teste. The movie grinds along at an agonizingly slow pace, despite the fact that we get to watch handicapped people play charades, Crossbows & Catapults, and talking electronic COOTIE. There are some funny scenes with the tards, however: like when they breakdance on a freshly waxed floor and one of them breaks a pelvis... and well, there was that one scene where they try to milk a panda- but overall- it just lacks something. Maybe it's the extra chromosome. As for the zombies? Pretty damn cool, actually. Quick, cunning, semi-intelligent, and 40 hit points: just like the roaches in El Santo's apartment. They're entertaining in themselves and the kills they generate are suitably gore-filled... but dammit, they only appear in the last 1/3 of the movie, so don't get too excited: by the time they hit the scene, you're too desensitized to give a shit.

The bottom line is this: THE DEAD PIT is a risky gamble at best. You've probably got a better shot at satisfaction if you had sex with the garbage disposal in the kitchen at Denny's... but if you're seriously hard up for some horror entertainment and luscious fat titties a jigglin'- couple the last 30 minutes of THE DEAD PIT with a sure-fire 4-star hit from our FLICK LIST and you can't go wrong.


Our Rating System

Z-man: "I'd paint three of those murals for some of that ass."

Eagle Te: "I have never seen so shameless a special effects scene as the one when the big tittied heroine is being hosed down with a water hose and her t-shirt is ripped off with a painfully visible pull from an offscreen string... President Te would like to thank the producers on behalf of a very grateful nation..."

El Santo: "Meesa gay."