Deep Blue Sea

Year: 1999
Rated: R
Run Time: 100 minutes
Production Company: Warner Brothers
Director: Renny Harlin (Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master, Blast From The Past)
Starring: Samuel Jackson, LL Cool J, Saffron Burroughs, and Stellan Skarsgard
T & A: Greased Puppies

"How Fast Can You Swim?"

"I laughed. I cried. Then I realized that it was MY penis in the mirror."


Now just what does that quote mean? Te is not too sure, seeing as how I have to inform NORAD every time I get an erection, but I just felt that it would have special meaning to all you little pecker bastards out there who laughed or shamefully scoffed when you saw the preview for the gem of a shit flick that is Deep BLue Sea. I too was sceptical, but upon viewing this film, you should make no mistake...this movie is about as shameless as Hollywood gets and such disregard for taste should be supported and applauded by all of those whose enjoy the filth that is a bad horror movie! Yes, as I, Eagle Te, sit here in my study here at Te Manor (wearing my velvet smoking jacket and getting lap danced by your mom to the theme song from Rocky as your sister washes my feet in baby oil with her breasts), I begin to realize more and more just how special a movie Deep Blue Sea was. But before I fill you in on just WHY Deep BLue Sea rocks ass, here's a quick plot synopsis for all you drooling slaves of Te.

Dr. Susan McAlester has been naughty...very naughty. Did she discover the forbidden pleasures of Ernest Borgnine workout videos? Or the sultry, erotic lesbian undertones between Blanche and Rose in the Golden Girls (they're gettin' it on, I SWEAR! Only a fool couldn't see that they're buffing each other's grey snappers every night!)? Unfortunately, no. The good doctor is working on a cure for Alzheimer's Disease (which Z-Man is adamently opposed to seeing as how he takes advantage of his grandmother's Alzheimer's Disease to keep borrowing money from her until he gets her entire Social Security check every month...not a bad scheme, eh?) and she intends on accomplishing this by extracting "protein complex" from geneticly enhanced sharks since their brains never show signs of decreasing brain activity when they age. THis all important research is being funded by the wealthy Russell Franklin (Samuel L. Jackson) and he decides to visit the sealab as they run their final experiments to see whether or not he wants to withdraw funds from the project or not. What Mr. Franklin doesn't know is that Susan has been ignoring dangerous signs of increased intelligence being exhibited by the sharks in order to continue conducting her experiments. Naturally, all hell breaks loose when on the night of the final experiment the shark awakens and attacks one of the scientists. The resulting confusion and terror orchestrated by the sharks (There are three of these suped up sharks floating around) leads to a massive explosion that has the lab filling with water with the only chance for escape to the surface above being through each level of water filled corridor which the sharks are naturally floating around in...hunting for their victims.

Ok, you've got kick ass, cheesy plot. What else do you have? A DAMN FUNNY AND SHAMELESS MOVIE that any bad horror fan will shit his pants over. Make no mistake, the computer generated effects are shitty and amusing in themselves and you might ask yourself just what the hell you are doing in the theater after the first half hour, but trust TE, this movie picks up in a MAJOR way and doesn't stop until the credits start rolling! What makes this flick stand out above other recent horror releases is the complete and total coolness of the kills and the fact that Deep Blue Sea bravely breaks away from traditional Horror movie formula (a risky undertaking) and has you guessing as to just who will get killed next. No shit, you will be DAMNED surprised as to who bites it in this movie...they'll be no bitching coming out of the theater about how this or that character should have died...damn near everybody gets their just desserts in this one and HOW will surprise many of you! Need an example? Well, easily the funniest kill in the entire movie is when Samuel L. Jackson's character (don't get pissed with me for giving this'll appreciate it alot more if you know it's coming) gets killed. You'll never see it coming as he begins to deliver a typical, inspirational speech to motivate everybody to keep their head and not to give up. The speech is so long that you will find yourself just zoning in on his speech when all of a sudden one of the fucking sharks leaps out of the pool and eats his ass in mid sentence! It's so quick and unexpected that you will be rolling in the aisles, especially when you are then treated to a lovely computer generated image of two of the sharks ripping him in half- chomping him up in bloody fashion! And that's only one of many! You will find yourself in bad movie heaven as EVERYBODY, and I do mean EVERYBODY, gets fucked up in this one. Even L.L. Cool J's fucking parrot gets EATEN in wacky Computer generated style! Another kill to look out for is the utter hell that the scientist who gets his arm bitten off goes through...the poor bastard gets fucked up for nearly 5 minutes has to be seen to be believed! Another hilarious aspect of the movie is the intelligence of the sharks. These bastards knock out security systems, cut electrical power, take down helicopters out of the sky (you'll see!), and turn on the heat when poor bastards try to hide in ovens! There is a downside to this bad movie extravaganza... alot of the dialogue is downright horrible (which can be a good thing or a bad thing depending on your view!) and the one liners in this one are simply atrocious, such as when the shark is being brought to the surface and one asshole says, "Did somebody order fish?" He deserves an axe kick to the nut sack for that! Also, a beautiful scene of teenage carnage was completely wasted in the beginning which kept the flick from a full blown four star rating in my book! Overall, Deep Blue Sea represents what we love (and hardly see) realeased in the theaters anymore! Go into expecting crap and you won't be disappointed! this movie is utterly shameless and will have you rolling with laughter for most of the 90 minutes you sit through this beauty! EAGLE TE SURE AS HELL APPROVES!


Our Rating System

Mr. Paul:"About 8 years ago Chef Boy-R-D (a.k.a. Lil'Chef) released a Spaghettios-esque treat called "Shark Attack". It was fun little pasta shaped like sharks, and if you caught all three you won! Won what? A trip down memory lane with a ladle shoved up your ass. Don't ask questions like that. You'll hurt Lil'Chefs feelings. If you were a fan a of "Shark Attack" or if you like to see mutant sharks (without frickin' laserbeams) bite small breasted women (and men) in half. Then take two scoops and watch this shit. Pay close attention to Samuel L. Jackson's moving monologue. You'll find yourself weeping."

Z-man:"I heard that Paula Abdul choreographed the shark attack scenes in this movie. You take: two steps forward, two steps back, bite your wack ass in half. You know, it ain't fiction (it's a natural fact), DEEP BLUE SEA is about as funny as a dead baby and... I... just... HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!"

Eagle Te:"Massive breasts equal massive fun."

Marquis De Sade:"Always remember to take your clothes off before wrassling a genetically altered Shark!"

General Zod:"Z-Man ruined the Sam L. Jackson kill for me. Fuck you. Fuck you very much, and talk about an anticlimactic opening sequence. Nonetheless, this movie still made me squirt curdled lactaid all over the floor. Now you know why the floor is sticky. And knowing is half the battle. Go Joe!"

Eagle Te:"I give DBS 3 skulls not as a movie as a whole, but for the three great things in it. 1. The twitching done by that one dude's legs after the shark eats his upper torso. It was awesome. 2. The great great great great job of script writing where the first step for a woman to solve her problem is to take off her clothes. 3. LL Cool J is the bomb. That white guy had to ride sharks and breathe underwater to try to be as cool as my man J and still failed."