Demon of Paradise
Rated: R
Run Time: 84 minutes
Production Company: New Horizon Picture Corp.
Director: Cirio H. Santiago
Starring: Paul Holmes, Kathryn Witt, Frederick Bailey
T & A: Hell No
Color Me: Badd

"No Running. No Diving. No Horseplay. No Survivors."

The cover looked so cool. Eagle Te can offer no other explanation for the hell that I subjected my comrades to when I so happily did a back flip and landed in front of them with this steaming hunk of shit in my hands. Some ancient alarm must have gone off in Z-Man's subconcious as he immediately asked, "Yo man, are you sure??" to which I instantly replied, "Hell yes I'm sure...look...bikini chick is about to get devoured by Mer Man for Christ's sake!! We have to rent it!!" And so the journey to the darkest level of movie hell began...and the whole time Eagle Te was looking unsuspectingly forward to this massive, government cheese fortified turd which would soon be shotgunned out of the Devil's asshole all over both of our faces!! That wonderful poetic image being said, here's a quick rundown on the plot: The owner of a tropical island resort named Angela and the local sheriff named Keefer work together to stop an ancient carnivorous seacreature/lizardman that has been awakened by the dynamite fishing of the local natives and threatens the safety of the tourists on the island. SHOULD HAVE BEEN A WINNER, DAMN IT!!! But, alas, it was not. DAMN IT, THIS MOVIE SUCKS!!!! There is simply no other way to put it. The monster is a complete and total disappointment, he doesn't even directly kill anybody. How shitty is that??!! A carnivorous lizardman that doesn't directly attack and viciously consume his victims is like some $2 Thai whore that gets naked and ready to romp and then says,"Sorry sailor, I'm not that type of girl!" In both cases you should at least recieve your money back but damn it there just wasn't any justice for our poor asses as we sat through this two hour cumbath. The monster is SOOO shitty I cannot find the adjectives to do it justice. He doesn't kill directly but by proxy the entire time. What the hell do I mean, you might ask? Well, for example, at the very beginning, Mer Man comes to the surface by a native boat as they are using dynamite for fishing and instead of leaping out of the water and kicking serious ass on the deck of the ship, he reaches up and rocks the boat until a native with a lit stick of dynamite drops it, sending the boat up in a massive explosion that kills all aboard. WHAT THE FUCK???!!!! A lizardman with a sense of irony??? You've got to be shitting me!! I can hear this movie's fans now, "Look at how the lizardman (a symbolic metaphor for nature's vengeance) doesn't directly destroy his tormentors but creates a circumstance that allows for their own folly to eventually destroy themselves.....Sigh...." BULLSHIT!!!! I'm sure Wordsworth probably just rolled over in his grave and farted a long dormant crypt fart into Earth's water supply for that one, one which I will gratefully inhale for my part in the selecting of this painful shitter. After the credits rolled I knew I was in for deep shit when Z-Man stood and said calmly,"You have offended my famiwe, and you have offended Shaolin Temple" and then proceed to beat my ass with a glow in the dark Lightsaber which left scars that are not only evident on me physically...but emotionally as well.....

-Eagle Te

Our Rating System

Z-Man: "Oh Dear God! If ever there was a film that dropped straight out of Satan's hairy ass and into the unsuspecting lap of humanity. THIS IS IT. You would be hard pressed to find a more offensive example of mankind's own shameless depravity if you uncovered Grandpa's Time Machine and were teleported to the Sodomite Festival of Ass."

Eagle Te: "Watching this was like being raped by a stampeding herd of Cro Magnon bison."

Merciful Buddha!