Run Time: 90 somethin' minutes
Production Company: Villlage Roadshow Productions / Behavioral Problem Prductions Ltd
Director: David Nutter (Trancers 4: Jack of Swords)
Starring: Jimmy Marsden, Katie Holmes (Dawson's Creek), Nick Stahl, William Sadler (of Demon Knight fame!!!)
T & A: Hell Yes
Steve Clark has come to Cradle Bay to escape the painful memory of his brother's untimely death. However, what he finds is a bizarre community of students who like their parents, do their homework, and have a desire to "keep their fluids"--let the horror begin. The film starts with local punk Gavin watching one of the star football players and Blue Ribbon members, Chuck, enjoying an evening of sinful pleasure in his car at the dam. When his date makes a motion to fuck Chuck, he, like the good Christian boy he is, declines, because he needs to "keep his fluids" for the big game on Friday (evidently he needs to jiz on the competition... it boosts team morale). Buffy, or whatever the fuck her name was, isn't too happy with this because her need for dick is too great; so she goes down on him. A normal man would've said, "Fuck my fluids" and had a good time, but not Chuck... his loyalty to the team is too great; he can't risk the big game over a hummer. So he broke her neck. The cops show up soon... why? no one called them, they were just on patrol. Chuck proceeds to shoot one dead before he is calmed down by the other and told to go home and rest it off. What a town. This is just the first of Chuck's little outbursts... there's more.
Back to Steve... he's new to the community and hooks up with this cat Gavin in the cafeteria (known affectionately as the Caf) and he runs down the social classes within the school. The Skaters/Ramp Tramps (Freaks in Sneaks), Motorheads (Freaks with Leaks), Computer Geeks whose music of choice is the sound of an Apple Computer booting up (Freaks that Squeak), Blue Ribbons/Blue Robots (Freakshow Chic), and of course Gavin himself and his friends (Freaks All Week). The Blue Ribbons, he exlpains, are a group of good kids who are on the football team, make good grades, and are highly involved in the community. In other words, they've been brainwashed. Of course Stevie doesn't believe him until Gavin becomes a Blue Ribbon himself! From there Steve teams up with Rachel (one of Gavin's friends and the Dawson's Creek girl) and William Sadler (some retarded custodian) to find out who's behind this shit and stop them.
Was it great? No. Did it suck? No. Did it have titty. A little, but not from the Dawson's Creek girl. Then why did you see it? It was free.... There was something about this movie though... I can't call it great, because it wasn't. But I can't say it sucked either. There was a bit of unexpected titty--nice titty too. There was some good fight scenes too. Actually there were some really good ass whipping scenes thanks to the MVP of this film: Chuck. He killed a girl for giving him a blowjob, he ripped the nose ring out of a poor skater's (Freak in Sneaks) nose and threw him around a grocery store then he got his head bashed in by a pipe. Oh... he also felt up the Dawson's Creek girl. This guy is bad ass! Unfortunately I think I just told you all the good parts of the movie. The acting was, well, you know how acting goes. The music fucking sucked dick... all that Matchbox20 type shit. It was bizarre the Dawson's Creek girl had both a NOFX sticker and an Alternative Tentacles sticker on her truck, but she was listening to Third Eye Blind or something like that--go figure. And I think the main thing that kept this movie from being good was the fact that it wasn't a horror movie. Just another "I Know What You Did Last Summer" type Dawson's Creek mystery. The feeling tried to be there, but it just wasn't. If you're on a date, or have balls of soild steel see it, but other wise I would think twice about it.
Our Rating System
Mr. Paul: "Some good scenes, and it was much better than I initially thought it was going to be... but ultimately it turned out to be another, very forgettable movie."
Z-Man: "For God's sake look at that faggoty ass poster and tell me that this can even be considered a true horror flick! Personally, I think it would fare much better as the Halloween episode of 'Party of Five'. Oh, and all you snot nosed punks who disagree can suck my 9021-DICK."
El Santo: "The Good: It has titty and a snap your neck blowjob scene!!! The Bad: Dawson's Creek and Party of Five make up most of the cast!!! The Ugly: The Fart I let out as we left the theater!!! El Santo sez: Not too bad, but I'd rather be fucking or watching Jack Frost, or both!!!"
Brother Phil: "Thick plot, but thin titty."
General Zod: "Not scary. Not suspenseful. Not even a horror flick. But when a movie fancies itself a metaphorical flying elbow strike to high school's elitist assholes, it automatically gets General Zod's seal of approval. Besides, the fights were rather entertaining."