Dolly Dearest

Year: 1992
Rated: R
Run Time: 94 minutes
Production Company: Trimark Entertainment
Director: Maria Lease (Love Camp 7, Rebel Vixens)
Starring: Sam Bottoms, Candy Houston, Rip Torn
T & A: No
Ernest Goes To: Hell

"It's Time To Play..."

Sixty-Five million months ago, when Dinosaurs ruled ABC Primetime and you were but a crooked sperm dangling on the tip of your mother's pepperoni-sized Irish teet, the battle hardened Coco Van Peebles of NIGHT OF THE CREEPS sat down at their secret clubhouse to watch the riveting docudrama of espionage and political intrigue known as AMISH BONDAGE SLUTS Vol XIII. We had spent most of the day playing Rattle Me Bones and swapping Facts of Life Collector Pogs. I had just traded GENERAL ZOD two Tooties & a Blair for a Pog that showed Jo taking it up the ass at Sturgis 1985 when somebody made the startling realization that while our Betamax box insisted we had the hottest bonnet wearing bondage sluts ever seen on tape... we actually snagged a well-worn copy of DOLLY DEAREST by mistake. Granted, it would have been a lot better if it had been INFLATABLE DOLLY DEAREST... but buggers can't be choosers. So with swollen glands in hand- we all took to our battlestations and prepared to watch the pygmy playskool massacre that the fates had so lovingly deposited in our laps.

94 minutes later, the survivors of DOLLY DEAREST hauled their broken and battered carcasses out of the NOTC Kid's Club...

this is their story...

Meet the Reed family. They're your perfectly normal American, white-collar, nuclear family... except for the fact that they own a delapidated toy factory in the Yucatan Penninsula, and, well... their factory was built atop the ruins of an ancient indian burial ground, and ...uhhhhh... their factory is infested with demonic Mayan spirits. Like I said: your perfectly normal American family.

However, when a particularly vile spirit inhabits the body of a brand new dolly at the factory and seduces the youngest Reed daughter into taking it home with her... things start getting fucked up. The doll spices up the usual 6 year-old tea party chit chat with detailed plans on murdering the family and house servants, bomb-making, and some provocative interpretive dance steps. However, the doll isn't merely content with fucking up young, fertile minds... it's got better things to do: LIKE WOUND, MAIM & KILL. And kill it does. When the sun goes down, this pint-size dynamo makes a grand sport out of hunting down Mestizo butlers and maids and butchering them with reckless abandon. After a few grisly homicides on the plantation, people begin to suspect foul play (not that combination electrocution/drowning/stab wound suicides are rare in this part of Mexico or anything), but will they ever uncover the horrifying truth? Will they ever discover the hidden Mayan catacombs below their factory and the bloodthirsty DOG HEADED BABY GOD that lurks within? And exactly what mammalian horror lies coiled within the sweaty confines of my parachute pants?

Well, to answer your questions: YES. YES. And A FOUR FOOT PURPLE SUEDE LOVE LOG. DOLLY DEAREST does its best to cash in on the killer doll craze of the late-80s early-90s that was re-vitalized by Chucky back in CHILD'S PLAY... but it really should have known better than to fuck with the Chuck. It's a pretty obvious ripoff of the old Child's Play flicks- and while inferior, it still has some things going for it. The "dollies" themselves are genuinely creepy as shit... especially when they're whispering hateful shit to the youngest daughter or stalking their hispanic prey in the cellar of the old mansion. There are some great death scenes, particularly when a fat Mexican factory worker gets his hand caught in a sewing machine during an all out doll assault... or when a equally fat Mexican maid gets A:) kicked down the stairs B:) stabbed C:) choked with a cord D:) drowned in a vat of water and E:) electrocuted all in the same death scene. But, for all the coolness of the kills- there simply aren't enough of them to keep the movie rapping at a steady pace. The movie relies on this cerebral "implied horror" bullshit that may soil your pantaloons... but scarcely moistened my towelette. As a result, the movie seems really clunky and unnatural, like watching a gobot fuck... or a turtle shoot protons out of its ass.

The bottom line is that DOLLY DEAREST is a classic example of the disposable kind of horror entertainment that populates far too much shelfspace at the local LOOKBUSTER VIDEO: it's not bad for a couple hours of greasy entertainment, but nothing you'll want to cherish for the rest of your life. Of course, cheap Thai whores are pretty much the same way... but you don't have to rewind them.

-Los Estatos Unidos

Our Rating System

Mr. Paul: "Remember Kids, Just Say No to Mr. Paul and His Big Pumpa Dick!!!"

Z-man: "I honestly don't know what's better: the fact that the director of this slippery pool fuck starred in LOVE CAMP 7... or the fact that I starred in LOVE CAMP 8. Either way, circle gets a square- and you get a black eye."

Eagle Te: "I remember when Chet was "Hunting For Hidden Gold" in Aunt Gertrude's ass and the only way Frank and Joe Hardy could get it out was to unearth "The Secret of Skull Mountain" where the hell is my Nancy Drew blow up doll...?"

El Santo: "Mmmm Mmmm Mmmm Better than week old dick, but not quite as good as freshly squeezed dick....and less pulp."