The Evil
Year: 1978
Rated: R
Run Time: 89 minutes
Production Company: New World Pictures
Director: Gus Trikonis
Starring: Colonel Trautman, Joanna Pettet, Andrew Prine, Cassie Yates Master-Bates
T & A: HELL NO
Mission: Intoxicated


"Now That's What I Call Evil."






Nothing pisses Te off more than when he rents a movie, gets back to his lair, and opens the damn box to find out that somebody fucked up and switched the damn tapes! That is how it came to pass that THE EVIL fell into our wretched little hands here at Night of the Creeps and after watching this piss poor excuse for a film, I feel like I just watched a 24 hour continuous loop of those fucking Old Navy commercials with that annoying old bitch with those damn drive-in movie theater size glasses. I have half a mind (and a large cock) to communicate with her dog MAGIC with my telepathic powers and order him to shove his GIANT DOBER DICK in her old ass wrinkled poop shoot... but I digress. The fact is that THE EVIL sucks fat nuts and the director deserves to have his nuts kicked in by THE IRON GIANT. It is also a fact that I HATE this shitstorm of a movie...so why does it suck so bad? Read on and find out, puppet.

Everybody's favorite clinical psychologist CJ (?) and his wife Caroline decide to set up a drug rehab clinic in a secluded but lavish mansion and bring in several patients for a weekend of therapy. The only problem is that one of the features that did not appear in the lease was that annoying little doorway to HELL that is tucked away in the basement below! Havoc ensues as demonic forces trap the group in the house and terrorize them with a wave of poltergeist activity that ranges froom electrocutions to people being flung by paranormal forces into a variety of walls and other hard, unyielding objects!

Sounds pretty good, doesn't it? Well, the fact is that it sure as hell isn't! To start off with, this movie moves along at an agonizingly slow pace, relying on the atmosphere and plot to drive home the terror. Ok, GIVE ME A BREAK! Watching this movie for mind freezing terror and agonizing tension is like watching a porno flick with all the fucking edited out. Not to mention the fact that there isn't one good moment in this movie to speak of and what you have my friends is a serious contender for King of the Shit List! I flush this turd of a movie out of my memory FOREVER...it never happened! Another problem with this movie is that it has great potential for retarded kills and people running around a giant mansion in terror, but doesn't deliver on this once. You are even subjected to a meeting between CJ and the prince of darkness... old and fat in a white suit.... hardling intimidating by any stretch of the imagination. LISTEN TO TE, spare yourselves the torment and pass this clunker on by when you see it in the video store. Oh you can be a clever dick and not take my advice. In that case rent it...enjoy it, too, because I guaran-damn-tee you that you will emerge from this flick an hour and a half later a broken man...in fact, if faced with the choice between taking a giant lick of Richard Simmon's cock after a 48 hours straight of gloryhole reaming in the annual gay orgy BI-athalon and watching this movie again...chances are you'll find yourself bobbing his throbbin... well, maybe you would anyway, but as for Eagle Te and Straight America, let me say that this should be warning enough! EAGLE TE HATES THIS SHIT!

-EAGLE TE

Our Rating System


Z-man: "I'd rather be strapped to a trampoline and have Carnie Wilson pogo fuck my ass with a Nerf Pool-Safe FunDoodle that endure the hell of THE EVIL again. Take it from me and my flippant Don't-Give-A-Fuck Style: avoid this gutter bitch like the plague."


Eagle Te: "It had Colonel Troutman...but other than that it sucked. I'd rather have an entire village of Hmong tribesman with dysentery shotgun shit in my mouth than watch this bastard again."


El Santo: "I'd rather be in Chyna."






Merciful Buddha!
THE EVIL: YE OLD SHIT LISTE INDUCTEE (9/9/99)