The Faculty

Rated: R
Run Time: 102 minutes
Production Company: Dimension Films
Director: Robert Rodriguez (El Meriachi, Desperado)
Starring: Elijah Wood, Famke Janssen, Robert Patrick, Laura Harris
T & A: Hell No
Biggie: Fry

"On December 25th, School's Out Forever."

Here's how it is, bitch. Teachers suck ass. They smell bad because their pits secrete some green ooze on an hourly basis. They know lots of useless shit, and they procreate in the boiler room when they think you're not looking. What does this mean? It means they're a bunch of fucking aliens. It's that classic cliche' (yes, I know that's an oxymoron you pretentious fag) that effuses from every kindergarten classroom in the nation just before naptime and right after snacktime. That delicious orange-colored water can make stupid kids dream up some cool shit. Anyway, how does this elementary school rumor translate to film? Well, let me be about the second or third to tell you. This movie is fucking badass.

Now, here's the plot. In a quaint little town in Ohio, a group of students at Herrington High discover that the faculty and some of their fellow classmates have been infected by extraterrestrial parasites that use them as mindless slaves. When they realize that the aliens are intent on taking over the world, well the shit just hits the fan, and they have to put down their pornos and go to work. There are several characters in this movie that when combining the forces of earth, wind, water, fire, and pussy form an integrated protagonist. The designated main character is Casey, resident geek and preferred customer to "Boobs" magazine. Then there's Stan, the captain of the football team who's having an identity crisis because he wants to be loved for his brain not his cock and balls. Of course for every Sampson, there is a Delilah, the hot Portugese cheerleader who likes to talk a lot of shit. Continuing along, let us not forget the stock alternative chick, Stokely. What's different about this one? She is quite skilled in the art of the word "fuck", and she's satisfyingly triggerhappy with a revolver. There is also the new girl, Marybeth, a country bumpkin who's probably spread her legs enough times to make Susanne Summers tip her thighmaster. Last but not least, there's Zeke, everybody's favorite bad boy who drives like Ookla the Mok, makes his own drugs, and yes, just happens to be a genius. Many people will walk out of the theatre feeling like they're all smart and shit because they figured out that these characters are stereotypes, archetypes, and Hollywood commodities. But, what they will fail to realize is that this is the whole fucking point. "The Breakfast Club"-obsessed screenwriter Kevin Williamson has organized six of everybody's favorite high school cliches' characterized by their sense of "alienation"(key word being "of") in a fast-paced, non-stop gorefest that keeps the suspense, but doesn't take itself too seriously.

"The Faculty" is successful at many different levels. First of all the pacing and the structure of the story is practically flawless. The gorefest begins immediately with a pretty impressive opening sequence, and continues to throw out more and more hilarious shit as the movie builds. One scene invokes that universal classroom fantasy in which someone finally uses that paper cutter blade for something other than making blue rectangles. Yeah, that's right bitch. Some crazy motherfucker gives his teacher a five-finger dismount.

In addition to quality violence, this movie also offers one of the most perceptive and brilliantly inflated renditions of high school culture. Come to think of it, there actually the same thing. What ever could they do you ask? How about a cat fight on the hood of a car. How about a vicious slap exchange between an all too recognizable latino girlfriend and her honkey-assed good-for-nothing man. Or how about some of the local bullies playing wishbone with Casey's legs and decorating the flagpole with his nutsack. "But, General Zod," you ask, "how can they fit all of this cool shit into one movie." Try five minutes, bitch. It's that jam-packed.

The movie also adds an element of suspense and plays a pretty satisfying whodunnit game(a Kevin Williamson favorite) by making you guess who the queen alien is. Up until the final moment you're not really sure. Which reminds me, the queen alien herself is totally fucking badass. She climbs, she slithers, and can do the 100 meter breastroke in under 2 seconds. Computer-generated images have come a long way.

What really makes this movie an exceptional piece of work and a harbinger of perhaps better things to come is the rampant drug usage. This breakfast club makes Judd Nelson look like an anorexic carebare.....oh yeah. They fucking snort some shit of Zeke's own concoction to prove their humanity. It's peer pressure at its best. They tweak out as if they just saw the latest episode of "Living Single" in which Overton gets raped by a lobster.

Chock-full of hilarious violence (even the football sequences kick ass), clever dialogue, cool camerawork, and plenty-o-paranoia, this flick offers a nutricious well-balanced meal that includes all of the trimmings except for one key NOTC (especially El Santo) favorite--real bona fide nudity. There is a naked chick in this flick, but she just happens to catch every shadow that falls her way, leaving all visions of nipplage to the imagination. One might call it noir-eroticism. In anycase, there is a compensating factor that General Zod will graciously accept any day. Famke Janssen is in this movie, and oh baby, is she badass. From delicate English teacher to hard-core alien sultress, the nuanced titilation is non-stop. Now, go glorify her before I bust a cap on your stupid ass.

-General Zod

Mr. Paul:"Damn. I don't care what your friends say... this shit is good. It lacks just a bit on the blood and nudity, but what did you expect? Fun for the whole family which advoacates drug use and has Famke geting sassy."

Z-Man:"Despite the fact that it's a few kidneys short of a full blown gutfest and the body count is surprisingly low, THE FACULTY is an entertaining B-flick that represents its old school 80s roots much like Kunta Kente. The hydrophillic ninja death squid are pretty fucking cool whenever we get to see them in action- and when we don't there's always plenty of drug use to keep us happy. Snort your way to glory!"

El Santo:"Everyone else here has told you why this movie kicks ass. I on the other hand will offer you a spring fresh meztizo version of what hapened in this movie. This movie had no titty. It did have a shadow titty, which is about as good as a warm dick in your ass if you ask me! As for the violence, well it did have its moments, but it wasn't anything shocking or scary. No, it was more like a wet pair of boxers if you ask this Mexican Lover. And the Mid-Movie Drama? Well, as far as I'm concerned, you can go fuck yourself if you came to this movie to see this plot development shit!!! All in all, it ain't all that!"

Eagle Te:"While I may be demonized for such a high rating, Eagle Te can say nothing but FUCK YOU, THIS MOVIE ROCKS ASS! The completely mindless premise and retard action make this a refreshing change from the usual lame ass flicks that pass for horror these days...this one definitely smacks of some of the better bad horror movies of the eighties and this one is definitely worth your time! Plenty of hot chicks, alien teachers, possessed students, and shameless drug use makes Eagle Te moist...and yearning for more...kind of like your ma when I drove that lawnmower up her ass."

Brother Phil:"This was quite a refreshing treat. I really wish that MY high school was taken over by aliens....There was a bit of titty-teasing, though. We always frown on that. Show the titty, or just kill the bitch!!! I think that the best part of this movie was the fact that you had to take drugs in order to be safe. If kids everywhere would just agree that drugs are GOOD, the world would be a kinder, happier place."

Ookla The Mok:"You gotta run, then slide, sniff that crack and take a dive."

General Zod:"If your butter doesn't melt when Famke Janssen discusses literature then you're a pussy-fisted faggot."