The House On Haunted Hill
Year: 1999
Rated: R
Run Time: 96 minutes
Production Company: Dark Castle Productions
Director: William Malone (Creature, Scared to Death, Universal Soldier: The Return)
Starring:Geoffery Rush, Famke Jenssen, Taye Diggs, Jeffrey Combs, Lisa Loeb, Ear Loeb
T & A: Sometimes scared, often mutilated... but HELL YES
How Many Puppies: Are There Inside?
There Could Be: Three
Or: Four
Or: Five

"God Damn That Place Was Scary, Yo!"

Hey America, what would YOU do for one million dollars?"

"I'd gladly let rabid purple smurfs assrape my children with a rubber fist! Hell, with a million dollars I can buy better ones on eBay, anyway."
Judy Rodebush, Home Invader

"I'd gladly stomach Big Boss Man's oily load of Cobb County justice!"
Dirk Bigelow, Male Gigolo

"I'd shove flesh-eating millipedes up my anus and cauterize my asshole shut with a butane torch."
Parker Attipoe, Culture Brain

"Sure, you can handcuff me to that mechanical bull and break my knees with a concrete dildo. Now what were you going to say about a million dollars?"
Candice Haislip, Trick

"Hmmm.... for a cool million? Well, you know that weird-looking bitch on Ally McBeal? Yeah, the one who looks like a pony with AIDS. Well... I'd eat her."
Dak Manwich, WWF Tag Team Champion

"For one melon daughter? I should for have sex with canteloupe."
Deenar Patel, Ferocious Lover

Notice that nobody said anything about spending the night in the House on Haunted Hill (or the House on Sugar Hill). Why ask why? My dope reply: God damn that place was scary, yo! That house is full of wolfens and chuds and killbots and ghoulies and shit. Furthermore, it's home to the worst breed of ghosts on earth: the kind that get your attention with a quick flash of the titty and then, just when you're lured in for some quick guilt-free nookie (because remember kids: it's not rape if it's already dead).... SLAM! BANG! 10-HIT COMBO HWOARANG! That shit turns into some freaky sort of headless lamprey-man that sucks your face off and DDTs your penis.

But enough about me. I have lovingly prepared a few lines of hype verse that are guaranteed to give your wife crabs. So make like a gap-tooth and brace yourself... because now, straight outta the Scooby Doo Projects comes the 300 pound pipe-hitting chalupa chief we like to call THE PLOT SUMMARY:

When sadistic amusement park tycoon Steven Price decides to throw his awfully-wedded wife Famke Janssen a birthday bash... he decides to go all out: of his mind. Utilizing a sizable chunk of Ben Stein's money, this (american) psycho rents the long abandoned Vannacutt Psychiatric Institute for the Criminally Insane for the blessed event. (Back in the 1930s, the Vannacutt Institue was the scene of unimaginable horror as inmates broke free from their cells and got bloody revenge on the mad Dr. Vannacutt for the diabolic surgical tortures he subjected them to. In the wake of the orgy of rape and murder that followed- there were no survivors. The house itself remains the only witness to the unspeakable crimes.) To add to the fun-filled atmosphere, Price also puts forth a unique challenge to all the party-goers: survive the entire night inside the house and you walk away with a million bucks. Toss in a few .45 caliber party favors (and enough cocaine to kill a fucking triceratops) and you've got yourself a party. Toss in Kid 'n' Play and you've got yourself a House Party. Toss in onions, mushrooms, and pepperoni and you've got yourself a Pizza Party. Toss... my salad... and you'll get diptheria.

But what dear Mr. Price doesn't realize is that evil likes to party. It also likes to pee in the shower, but that's beside the (power) point. Price's first clue that something is amiss is when none of his invited guests show up... just five seemingly random dicks off the street. His second clue? When people start turning up torn in half by unseen demonic claws from beyond. The rage of a hundred and fifty retarded ghosts has escaped from the unclean bowels of the asylum and wants nothing more than to torture, rape, and kill the intruders. Who will survive this night of unbridled terror and civic disobedience? Will the dead get laid to rest... or will they just get laid?

One thing's for sure.... you couldn't get laid if you were a brick.

But I digest, you came here to for white-knuckle terror and black hearted anal edutainment, and by gum.... you're gonna get it. To be honest, we all had really low expectations THE HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL. None of us have seen THE HAUNTING, but went I went to see MESSAGE IN A BOTTLE with one of the fly girls from the sweat shop, I passed by the theater it was in and it gave my dick rabies. That (and Conchita's wicked bad case of hot, puffy syphilis) was enough to leave a bad taste in my mouth.

But enough shit talk, Quaid: DOES-THE-MOVIE-FUCKING-SUCK? No. WOULD-YOU-LIKE-SOME-MAKING-FUCK? Berserker. Though not a five-star classic like oh say.... having lumberjack boot sex with Maya Angelou, HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL is definitely a shit fest worth checking out. It's got a perfect premise for an Old Navy killer B-style horror flick- and the opening scenes featuring the sadistic hellfuck Dr. Vannacutt (played by the immortal Jeffrey Combs) are damn excellent. Plenty of guts, gore, and terrified nurse titty (+1 vs. undead) being savaged by retards for the kids in the opening scenes. However, after the initial shock wears off, the movie starts to slow down: favoring "ghostly chills & thrills" over pick axes to the tit. The characters, once locked inside the freaky hell house basically spend most of the film running from one macabre (word power: +2) torture chamber to another... marvelling at their grim discoveries, and then shitting their fucking pants when they see the ghost. This is surprisingly tolerable, as the ghost sometimes appears with mondo fat titties (word power: +5) and sometimes with some creative special effects (do titties count as a special effect?)... but always manages to get some great reactions from the cast. There are a few kills spattered around through the film, but most of them rely on some cheesy ass computer-generated ectoplasm sucking people off camera. Very few kills in the flick satisfy your heathen urge for carnage... well, except for that one camera technician who gets his face scooped off by the invisible satan machine.

But don't let any of this shit throw you. THE HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL is actually pretty fucking hilarious. Granted, the "happy ending" is retarded and will make you feel like crushing your scrotum in a vise... but the rest of the flick just seems to work. I'm not exactly sure why, though. Maybe it was the fact that the haunted house setting was damn cool (full of rusty old torture equipment and medical waste... sort of like my bedroom)... or maybe it was the fact that Famke Janssen gave me a handjob while I played DOUBLE DRAGON 2 in the lobby and then paid for my cherry slush. I'd say that it's worth a cheap rental... of course, I said the same thing about that Albanian whore without a lower jaw- so keep that in mind.



Our Rating System

Z-man: "If you're looking for some cheap, sleazy entertainment: go get a table dance. But if you're looking for a cheap-ass haunted house movie that'll put tits on a ghoulie: go get a table dance. To be fair, HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL isn't that bad. Terror, titty, and a pencil through the throat: all in the first 5 minutes. Just be sure to hang around AFTER the closing credits roll for the "secret footage!" NOTE: Chris Kattan deserves to have his anal crop harvested by a gang of unwiped Mexicans for fucking up the ending like that. "

Eagle Te: "A damn funny movie that is worth the price of admission to see the fun park of terror as well as a shitload of awesome reaction shots, the best of which is Geoffrey Rush's face when he sees the giant scoop that got taken out of his cameraman's face! NOTE: If Famke told me to lick jello out of her anus...I would do it and so would you. Bitch is fly, yo!"

General Zod: "If your butter doesn't melt when Famke Janssen jabs a Robert Altman's "The Playa" would-be playa to death with a wood-bee scalpel, then you're a pussy-fisted faggot!"