High Tension Switchblade Romance
Year: 2003
Rated: NC-17(international ver.) R (American Theatrical ver.)
Run Time: 91 minutes
Production Company: Columbia TriStar Home
Director: Alexandre Aja (Fruia, Hills Have Eyes remake)
Starring: Cecile De France, Maiwenn Le Besco, Philippe Nahon
T & A: (Asia)Minor
Barbed Wire: Baseball Bat

"It's Gettin Haute In Here"

Do the names Godard, Truffaut, Malle, Charbrol sound familiar? Of course they don’t you uncultured fuck. They belong to a handful of French directors responsible for reinventing the rules of cinema. One time critics and connoisseurs of fine cinemas, the “New Wave” hit the streets with no money and no big stars, filming in bars, cafes, and flats all over Paris creating their stories about real people, compromising no part of their artistic vision. In a word: faggots. The French have put out some pretty goddamn pretentious shit over the years, and they’re the last people you think about when it comes to great horror (great titties in the other hand).However, it seems as though they’ve outlived their curse of being tragically fucking French by popping out one of the most intense and tightly paced horror films we at the Office of the Creep Secretary have seen in quite some time.

Haute Tension (High Tension here in the land of the free) tells the story of two (the haute Alex and the fucking hot Marie) young co-ed’s heading out to the country for a weekend away from boys and parties to get some studying done. The night they arrive, after everyone’s gone to bed and while Marie is massaging her Shinobi clit, the ultimate hillbilly avatar (after giving his nut to a severed head) executes the home invasion Ice-T wanted back in ’93. No one is safe and no one is spared in what is one of the most brutal fucking assaults on human beings ever put to film since Abbott and Costello met ILSA: She-Wolf of the S.S.. In lieu of elaboration I’ll recite for you a haiku:

Turn the music up

While you stroke that pussy babe


Seriously folks, this movie rocked my ass like Saddam Hussein rocks a pair of jumper cables attached to his scrotum. Copious quantities of brutal violence manifesting itself in the use of a myriad, hell, a veritable cornucopia of implements of terror, death, and mayhem. Such heavy hitters like bureau, fire axe, and shotgun make appearances playing at the level of skill and professionalism we’ve come to expect from their long and celebrated history. The M.V.P.s, however, are a couple of players that went above and beyond the call of duty. First there is barbed wire wrapped around stick. Sounds simple enough, but there in lies its elegance. Not to mention the turbo charged grand slam knocking some poor bastard back into the Mesolithic era to be cornholed by an Iguanodon. The other is a cousin to one of our most famous and visible icons of horror and gore, the chainsaw. I think France may have done something bigger than Texas (and I don’t mean suckin’ dick) when it unveiled: Cement Saw. This is the image from the film, but more importantly, it is the most brutal kill. More than people are killed with this thing; I think a piece of German ingenuity died as well.

I guess it wouldn’t be right for me to give this film glowing praise without warning you about some of its lesser points. That’s bullshit. Some pussy fisted, pretentious fuckers out there watch the twist and it ruins the film. They talk about a lack of continuity and plot holes and aww my pussy hurts. Though the misguided twist prevented the film from being an across the board perfect movie, it didn’t detract from the intensity of the flick one fucking bit. Remember Timmy, if they tell you you’re no better than an immigrant, they’re right, but they’re also not your friends. In summ(Zulu N)ation, Haute kicks fucking ass. Not just for us, but it’s acted as a (motherfucker == ) redeemer for France. It finally shows they can do something more than surrender


Our Rating System

Mr. Paul: "Fucking shit! Go see it. See it now before I call Megatron in here to drop a turbo monkeyflip baboon ass elbow drop on your sorry American ass."

Z-man: "This movie came out of nowhere... and by nowhere, I mean France. That being said, it rocked me like a bitch tit on a brontosaurus. There was simply an insane level of violence in this fucker that I can only pray makes it to the U.S. release. Oh, and to those of you that find the twist a little hard to swallow? Try swallowing my greasy load. It goes does easy and, I'm told, tastes like marshmallow."