Headcrusher
Year: 1999
Rated: R
Run Time: 80 minutes
Production Company: Alpha Films
Director: Ricardo Islas
Starring: *pending*
T & A: Hell Yes!
Mechanized: Attack



"Pain. Fear. Sex. Death."







HEADCRUSHER. Go ahead, say it three times fast. Good. OK, now say it three times fast BACKWARDS. What does that sound like? Like you're a fucking idiot: that's what. But just *watch* the independent gorefest HEADCRUSHER three times (and once backwards... just for good measure) and you'll be a kung fu genius. A triple high beam, double stuff cream, white woman's dream, guest star on A-Team, super shaolin powered swivel-arm battle grip havin' BAD ASS. If you had a posse, Slim: I'd call it pimp-o-matic. If you were shot down over Nam- I'd call in Colonel Braddock. But you don't, you weren't... and not without my baby. And what exactly does this all mean? That Q-ZAR really is America's Favorite Laser Game? That you get an erection when you hear girls fart? That you really should get that rash checked out? In a word: HEADCRUSHER. In six words: watch this motherfucker break shit down. HEADCRUSHER truly is a spectacular piece of independent horror filmmaking. It's no coincidence that it's chock full of the essential vitamins & minerals that growing Creeps need, like: VITAMIN T, VITAMIN A, and the ever elusive VITAMIN CRUSH YOUR FUCKING SKULL IN A PRESS. It's also got enough raw fiber to clog the ass of a pregnant chinchilla. So read on, loyal subjects, cuz dis shit is good:

Here's the lowdown for this Samurai Showdown: They say John Holmes fucked a thousand bitches. John Ramsey just fucked one: the wrong one. One stormy night in 1976, John Ramsey was laying some purple-headed pelvic pipe upon THE MAFIA DON's WIFE. Things were going great (mainly up & down) when BAM: Mr. Big Boss came home unannounced with a host of hired goons. Taking personal offense that his wife was getting ass-fucked Apache-style by some nappy headed schmuck while he was away on (perfectly legitimate) business, he did what any loving spouse would do: he tortured and murdered both of them. His wife got off easy: he broke her fingers one by one... then hung her ass in the basement. As for John, well... he got a hearty dose of aforementioned VITAMIN CRUSH YOUR FUCKING SKULL IN A PRESS. He also got kicked in the nads so hard that a booger shot out of his left nostril. (Funny, the same thing happened to me on USA's HAPPY HOUR when I grabbed Shannon Dougherty's titty nipple during the karaoke version of "Smooth Criminal") Anyway, after the gruesome double-homicide the mob boss had the two corpses bricked up inside the basement wall where no one would find them... or so he thought.

FLASH FORWARD 20 YEARS...

While renovating an old building in metropolitan Chicago, a hispanic construction worker uncovers an old skull that was apparently hidden within a crumbling brick wall. While his co-workers are upstairs on lunch break, the unfortunate bastard is suddenly "animated by a strange alien force". An alien force that makes him bash his own brains out against the basement wall! When taken to the county coroner's office... the body suddenly jerks to life again and goes on a bloodthirsty rampage. One by one, the surviving members of the mafia don's entourage are hunted down and butchered by this hulking man-beast. The police are powerless to stop this undead killing machine and the family of the brain-bashed construction worker want answers. Does this bizarre string of murders have any connection to a strange chemical agent John Ramsey was exposed to during Vietnam? It's up to the construction worker's daughter Sol(?) to find out the hideous secret behind the murders. But, as she and her friends will soon find out... the truth comes with a high price indeed... for it will cost them their lives!

All shitting aside: this independent slasher flick is damn entertaining for what it is. Sure, it was shot on video, and yeah... you can probably find more money in the cushions of your couch than Ricardo Islas had to budget this project... but when it comes to the blood & guts department, this fucker has it in spades. Where new-school slashers go for all these fancy computer-generated kills... it's good to see someone still uses dummies packed with uncooked meat and gooey butcher slop to devastating effect. The body count piles up pretty quickly in HEADCRUSHER, and there are quite a few memorable kills to be seen. Our personal favorite involved a guy taking a leak when the killer sneaks up behind him and stabs him repeatedly in the kidneys. There's this great overhead shot of the poor bastard's piss stream changing from a sickening yellow to BLOOD RED as his innards get punctured by the blade! FUCKING INSANE. And let's not forget the infamous scene where the mortician gets his face impaled by the steel leg of the examining table! His head implodes like a 10-pound zit! SHIT! Other highlights include: guy getting his dick bitten off during fellatio when girlfriend gets stabbed in spine, the crazy Vietnamese sex witch getting drowned in an aquarium, and well... watching that Asian girl trying to demonstrate "The Sleeper Hold". The whole "X-Files" subplot about the Vietnam-experiments was a nice idea... but never really got my hemerrhoids flaring like a good pair of starched pants. Still, any excuse that'll let us see an aging mobster hitman get his fucking head run over by a runaway freight train is fine by me! All aboard, Byatch!

The bottom line is that HEADCRUSHER has its heart in the right place. It does its best to deliver the hardcore kills and gore to the audience while not letting something ridiculous like "character development", "plot", or "dialogue" get in the way and fuck things up. This is the essence of low-brow splatter horror: distilled for immediate consumption by the bloodthirsty masses. It's quick, dirty, and while it probably wouldn't pass a rigorous vaginal taste test (oh... like you would, bitch), HEADCRUSHER definitely puts out. It might be tough to find, but for fans of underground horror- it's well worth the effort!

-Z MAN



The only problem is, HEADCRUSHER isn't the type of Z-Grade splatterflick you'll find at BLOCKBUSTER or (S)HITS VIDEO. If you're interested in ordering a copy (and bitch, you know you are... my review got those pantaloons moist) then you can contact the Hispanic causing Panic known as RICARDO ISLAS by clicking on the link below.... it'll take you to his secret lair:





Our Rating System


Mr. Paul:"The movie only deserved 3, the fourth is for Brother Phil's attempt to run away from the movie whilst sitting on the sofa after a ghoul attacked the Mestizo lead."


Z-man: "One man Latino heat wave Ricardo Islas brings his zesty blend of old-school slasher funk Stateside with his debut flick HEADCRUSHER. While he deserves to be power-bombed through the announcer's desk for subjecting us to the horror of a hairy hispanic ass, he more than makes up for it with a bloodsoaked body count in the double digits!"


Brother Phil: "I had to take away points for the reverse angle, naked meztizo crotch shot. That shit was NOT cool! The rest of the movie was pretty damn good. I feel like I need to donate the director a few lights, though. The best part was at the end when I did a little dance and just about stained my drawers."


Ookla The Mok: "Kick ass flick with head crushing, titty, head crushing, plot, speak-n-read asian chick, and head crushing. Ookla recommends that you get the edited version completly cutting the Nick and Gary scene available from the American Humanitarian Society (not the Humane society, they just give you ugly dogs)"