Hellgate

Year: 1989
Rated: R
Run Time: 96 minutes
Production Company: New World
Director: William A. Levey (Skatetown USA, Happy Hooker Goes To Washington, Blackenstein)
Starring: Petrea Curran, Evan J. Klisser, Ron Palillo
T & A: Tits Ahoy!
Hailing From: Parts Unknown



"Beyond The Darkness, Terror Lives Forever..."





In days of old, when teeth were gold and pimps were at their meanest... a flick came down- into our town- that sucked a fucking penis. The town: BOOT TOWN. The flick: HELLGATE. The hole: ASS. Yes, just when the Samurai Tit Moguls that rule over NOTC thought it was safe to re-enter the Thunderdome... we get hit with this midori-yama budoken assplex. To sum up HELLGATE: It's about as much fun as finding cum stains on the bun of your brontosaurus burger... or a dead fetus in your pot pie. Or having Iron Man and Cyclops wage a Secret War on your anus.

The production of sucka MC's who lurk beyond the Syndicate borders, HELLGATE takes a seemingly B.P. Bulletproof plot and turns it around over the course of 96 minutes into something that you'd be ashamed to be seen with on Family Double Dare. First, let's outline the things the movie DOES HAVE: It's got an amusement park overrun with zombies. It's got a sea turtle that bites a guy's face off.... a tabledance or two... an exploding mutant goldfish... and a boombox that turns into a fucking robot. No wait, my bad... that was Transformers. RAVAGE- LASERBEAK- HELLGATE- EJECT! EJECT! EJECT!

And now a plot summary that will put tits on a dwarf:

The spooky old legend of the "Hellgate Hitchhiker" is just like the clap: it's been passed around by horny teenagers for years. According to the story: back in the 1950s a voluptuous tit was kidnapped by a gang of greasy bikers who, after ripping off her pants and forcing her to table dance in the Malt Shop, ran her through a brick wall with a motorcycle. Now, many years after the fact... this ghostly hottie haunts the rural road leading to the old ghost town of Hellgate: the scene of her murder. Exactly how she managed to retrieve her pants in the afterlife is not fully explained.

Our story focuses on two mated pairs of 80s teens who decide to spend the weekend up in the mountains for a rousing vacation of wicker handicraft and oral sex. Never mind the fact that the two women are ugly enough to scare the corn out of a dead man's shit, they're only a light switch away from behind the most beautiful girls in the room. Besides, that 3" gap in that one chick's teeth is kind of erotic. Fall into the gap, indeed. The only problem is that on his way to the love shack, one of the teens makes the horrible mistake of not only picking up the Hellgate Hitchhiker (who looks 10 times better dead than his fucking ovoid pussy beast does alive), but rejecting her offer to suck the ectoplasm right out of his cock. The teens decide to drive up to the old "Ghost Town" amusement park and poke around (each other's pants, that is). What they discover is that the Hellgate Hitchhiker is quite real, and waging a psychic war against her evil father. The teens get involved in the big battle, and have to fend off zombies, mimes, and a vaudevillian stage show that will put pimples on your nuts before finally making their escape.

HIGHLIGHTS:

-A dead sea turtle reanimates (thanks to the blue beams emitted by the Element of Surprise) and bites this guy's face off.

-A dead chick reanimates, and gives me head in the bathroom while you get your ass kicked by M. Bison in Street Fighter

-Raul Julia played M. Bison in Street Fighter: The Movie.

-I played with myself during Hellgate: The Movie. My left nut did a Dragon Uppercut (F,D,DF + P) and tore a hole in my pants.

-I bought a baby on eBay.

LOWLIGHTS:

-The zombies at the amusement park... did I mention that they're all mimes?

-The tape said this flick was 96 minutes long: their clock was slow.

-When one of the Hellgate teens has her boyfriend go down on her, there's a close-up of her eyes crossing. Funny, the last time I tried that on a girl, nothing happened. Maybe they have to be alive for it to work...

-Sub-Zero got a flawless victory on you and then pulled your spine out of your ass.

-I can't believe it's not butter.

-You lost your virginity in the ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese.

-Your dog has a wooden anus.

BRIGHT LIGHTS:

-Can dazzle deer, opossums, and sucka MCs with their halogen power. Be wary of such light displays, for they can blind thee.

BIG TITTIES:

-Look much better on women than they do on men, so by a bro for your saggy man-tits, chief. They jiggle when you try to do Yoshimitsu's 10-hit combo.

Bottom line is that HELLGATE had potential.... but then someone mashed PLAY and fucked it all up. To be fair, it had its moments... particularly during the closing credits, where the film's main theme was remixed with some sort of frenzied Latino dance beat and they showed clips of masked Mexican wrestlers powerbombing midgets through tables that had been set on fire. Other than that... the movie just blew monster cock: a good thing when you're dealing with Cuban boat whores- a decidedly bad thing when you're dealing with a horror flick. Do yourself a favor and triple bypass this horseshit: rent River City Ransom instead.

-Z MAN

Our Rating System


Z-man: "There are some wounds that the eject button just won't heal. I'd rather have Zartan stab me in the ass with a pickled Dreadnok than suffer through this boring sack of shit again."


Eagle Te: "God this movie sucks...but apparently not as well as the poofy haired girl's boyfriend. Anybody who can make a girl's eyes cross from eating the pussy has my vote for MVP...'nuff said."


El Santo: "Trick or treat: it's dick I eat."






Merciful Buddha!
HELLGATE: YE OLD SHIT LISTE INDUCTEE (10/10/99)